How many of you have gotten to meet and hug people from this place in person? I know a few who do and have.. and some who've married or moved in with someone who fits just wonderfully enough to stay together, too...

I've been blessed to have met some wonderful sexy and good good men from this site.

Sunday night I had the privilege to add Pow_Er_Man to the rare few who've nursed a coffee while smiling and laughing and conversing... What wonderful friends I've made here on this site... dear souls whom I adore and treasure.

Hugs are mandatory, of course... I'm a hugger, and a lover, and that's just me... accept a warm, happy and light filled embrace.

I'll be taking my daughter to her surgeon in about 12 hours, to discuss the issues we'll be facing.

so many changes at work lately. People complain and I simply share about the perpetual state of upheaval or motion where I worked previously... always moving around.. Always worry over whether you'll have a job next month. Today I found a box on my desk. A hanging set of folder organinzers for the wall of my cubical. Next, some people came to install large shelves on the back wall of all the cubicals in our area. Now, we can place more of our things up there... for me, that means bringing the crystal frames award I received at the Christmas party. I'll also print up a few of my favorite photos of my daughter and, of my mountains, rivers and the Pacific ocean, too.

...today I left early due to policy about overtime. They don't believe in allowing it. I liked leaving early.

I've been doing what I can to help my daughter focus on positive while we wait for her interview with her assigned surgeon. Thinking over the size of her mass... the polyp or cyst on her ovary... and that it's almost the same size as her uterus, is.. disturbing to say the least... She has cause to be anxious.

I've been enjoying this man who wishes to have me in his life... and how much we enjoy my daughter guessing that his littlest daughter was eager to spend time with her again.. she was almost exactly correct in what that wee squeaker said. I have adored those kids of his since they were tiny mites in diapers and pull ups. Now they're all growing up.

I enjoy touching him and watching as his smile widens and eyes close to revel in the simple feel of fingers running over him... He's learning to handle being touched... I wonder if he'll ever get that he deserved it all along, at least, to me... His muscles so thickly knotted deserve to relax once in a blue moon... or, more often. I work and work that back to loosen up the almost permanently tortured body. His job requires strength and dexterity... and his body as I'm learning was always muscular.. though when he was a younger daddy with little ones he was round and chubby. Now, still with more girth than he wishes... I can't say he's any more over weight than am I... not even. Besides, his hard muscles bulge when he flexes or moves, so I KNOW he's NOT soft and knead-able like me.

This man isn't hugely well endowed like a few of the men I've been with... I realize they truly were PORN star sized... no matter... average and above average is impressive... smaller doesn't upset me, either... it's how you use what you know pleases... Anyway, a very curved curve is perfect to feel... and fingers tongue, lips and teeth, delicious too.

To be wanted and to be shown and taught that it's not just sex or friendly NSA... is a very sweet change for me to experience. Novel. This is natural and relaxed most of all.

In recent years I've learned negatives and positives.. thankfully I've had support and love from some very very important men to me, right here from this site... Men I truly care for... and if I were able to be like that broom in Fantasia and turn into multiples of me... I'd be able to be with the ones I honestly would love to be with. Sorry dears, there aren't hundreds of them, but there are a few here, who hopefully know I've been honest with them, and do treasure them...

I've decided to go with what is offered. Not wait for dreams to turn into reality. I'm the one at fault for this experience... you know why? Because I took a page out of a book and told a man of my interest and that I would be able to revert to friends again if there was nothing there, rather then pretend or hope for more than could or would be ever possible.

Dreams for me are simple and most, I believe are accomplishable. Even though some are only in small measure. Dreams must be worked upon in order to make them happen. Without desire, honesty and dedication they cannot become reality. My more recent thinking and view... of dreams... is more practical than fantasy and fairy tales. They're things that with effort are made a part of life.

I'm looking forward to sleeping in every day this weekend. I'm looking forward to leaving early for my daughter's appointment Monday afternoon. And I'm looking forward to progress of many kinds within the means and bounds of my life.

my ex is reminding me why he's my ex... sadly through our daughter.. he's a cruel shittty jerk face.. asshole, cunt, rat bastard... dick, idiot, meanie.. damn fucking liar and abuser... God, I hate him and how he hurts my daughter...

WHY the fucking HELL didn't I leave him when I was young?

God, oh God... oh how can anyone crush his child like this on her birthday...


I'm coming undone here... God, he's the ugliest soul I know...

Of all things, Lanky thought of her and wished a Boop to her... and fuck... he was kinder to us both than that asshole I once called husband ever was..

And my boyfriend and his children... all adore my child...

I wish that jerk would just drop of a stroke and not be able to say one more word... trapped inside his head recalling all the abuse he'd doled out and having to live in a hell he created for his child and all those others he's tortured and abused... nothing but punishment for his crimes against the innocent.... how I wish... just not enough to be party to it. Not enough to pray for it. Just wish that fucking asshole would recognize how undeserving she s of his abuse and feel sorry for it... and just END it.

Verbal emotional abuse is NOT acceptable... torture, threats and lies are NOT acceptable... violating trust or person is NOT acceptable...

This vile xxxxx that feels vindicated and justified is NOT acceptable...

Opening my door wide for him to step into my home, I feel the chill of winter rush over my nearly naked body... I'd just stepped out of a late shower to hear his knock... he was earlier than he'd said. His eyes take my wet hair and skin in... and he slides a hand into my loosely tied satin roe to feel my warmth... fingers running down my thigh, he pulls me close in his strong arms, enveloping me... kisses brush over my cheek and neck, then back to claim my lips. Oh, how I love his passion... kisses and caresses covering my body, He turns me to press me against the hard surface of my front door and lifts my leg to wrap it around his waist and explores my hot wet slit with fingers while he continues kissing and nibbling my lips neck then shoulder.. untying my sash, the robe slides down my body to the floor to reveal soft creamy smooth skin. The robe and sash lay on the floor and he begins cradling and fondling a breast while the other hand continues to stroke evenly in and out of my wetness.. groaning into his mouth and then sighing as I inhale... he smiles and give me a gentle kiss on my nose...

We need to get you comfortable, girl... I need to taste you tonight. His eyes glitter as he lifts his fingers to his mouth and sucks my juices off of one and offers the other to me.. I lick and then take his finger deep to suck my flavor off. Mmmm

I've missed him.

Pulling my bedding down he lifts me up to gently lay me on my too tall, too soft bed. He slides a hand over my smooth thigh and then down between my thick lips... He lets me tug his belt open, then buttons and fly spread.. to reveal the hard curve of his thickening shaft...

I need you, I whisper huskily. He pushes his jeans to the floor and pulls all of his clothes off to reveal his thickly muscled body and the hairy chest and belly.. that trail that ends in ciurls over his manly bits... He edged onto the bed, and lifts one leg and pressed it down while beginning the magic he builds for me.... making my body twitch and sending me wave after wave of orgasmic bliss as his tongue, lips and chin stimulate me until I'm utterly wanton and keening for him. My fingers trail over him, pull his face close to bury him in my treasure... I've never had anyone else give me enough to satisfy.... he does and then lifts a leg higher, to angle his hard curved shaft into my aching pussy. Wet, slippery and smooth as velvet, he slides in, deeply.. plunging his thick head in, then pulling it almost fully out. The plunging and plowing thrusts and gyrations bring ecstasy to us both.. his eyes devour me as his need increases our tempo to a more desperate beat... My orgasmic throbbing sends him into an aching need for release and I feel him fill me with liquid heat... Once we're finished, he pulls out and lays beside me pulling me to him, wet, sweaty and satisfied... we lay together kissing, stroking, touching and tangling our legs around one another... softly breathing becomes heavy and eyes close... wrapped in dreamy smiles and sounds of satisfaction...

relationships are such weird things to me... As those of you who have read this blog know, I've honestly chosen wrong most of my life. The man I'd called Lanky really wasn't ever a real friend... and the man I was girlfriend and fiance to had legal issues and health ones as well as over 1300 miles between us, that got in the way... before he'd died, he'd also opened up and been honest about having cheated twice. I had to accept that... He was there in Chicago and I was here... And, I knew he might be doing that since he had lightly discussed the need for us to be open to being with others from time to time. Looking back I realize that my monogamous intentions would not have been desired for long. Even with the beauty I experienced in that relationship.... it was far from comfortable and perfection. I realize I'm not sure I can trust anyone to want just me. No one ever has.

I don't know how to behave, and I'm not used to someone being sincere about calling me his girlfriend... But that's where I am right now. I have a boyfriend. He wants our children to be OUR children... and for them to become comfortable and used to us being together. THAT is something new. So are several other things about this relationship.

I've been seeing a man whom I'd known well over a decade ago as just a neighbor who'd been kind and polite. Back then we'd both been married and raising our children. We didn't know one another closely or think of each other with any interest, either.

Anyway, it is unique to me to have someone who'd decided he would never date again ended up not asking but rather just start calling himself my boyfriend and me his girlfriend. This started in November.. us seeing one another... I went to his Thanksgiving dinner at his mothers home. Later both my daughter and I went to her home again, for dinner on Christmas day. He had presents for each of us, and so did his lovely little mother. By Thanksgiving he'd dropped the boyfriend word into conversation a couple of times. By New Years I KNEW he cared about my daughter and her issues. I knew that he hopes that we'll have a future together... not just us, but blending our little families and our extended families as well.

That is new to me. It started carefully. Hes been hurt beyond anything I can imagine for a husband or man I would love. I've never been a girlfriend in person... I don't know what's expected and because of my past and my situation... I do NOT expect anything. I'm stunned by what he'd willingly and gladly do for me and my daughter. Especially since he'd made it very clear that we should not expect anything, not demand anything. I never have demanded except when I needed parameters.

I didn't expect anything for my birthday. I didn't expect him to be ready and willing to do the same for my daughter as he had for me... dinner and buying the cake. I honestly don't know how to deal with that. Anyway... spending time with all our kids, or just us has strengthened my belief in relationships. I've got someone who is interesting to me. The more I get to know him, the more I WANT to know more about him. And, the more we experience together... the more I know we're a good fit. This is nice. This is honest, relaxed and enjoyable.

I do not believe I have the right to expect love, or for marriage. I don't expect them. I know how few people there seem to be around me, anyway, who want anything secure, permanent or strong. FWB, NSA... this is all anyone has wanted of me, except one man who is on the other side of life...

My daughter is going through her hell to the best of her ability. But like all other relationships she picks it apart, claims to support me but acts and speaks with bitterness and jealousy. I wish it were not so... but, it is.

I'm learning that I still have a lot to give and share. I've learned that I give more than many men are used to. And I've enjoyed being able to give this man several first experiences. I'm getting some, too.

I've held this back because the past relationships and experiences I've shared ended poorly. I'm still in the exploration stage. I'm still testing and learning just what he means and what he feels about me. Three months of dating him to me, is still just scratching the surface. So, we'll see...

I'm sharing because I'm pleased and glad to be seeing this man.. no, he's not an NNer, but I know there are men of worth on this site. I know one or ten. I'm finally sharing because I don't see an end to this so far... and I wanted to share that I'm experiencing something new.

I've got a boyfriend and I like this.

50 years old tomorrow...
the day will be like others.. another day another dollar.

but my daughter has been dying to give me the present she bought me last summer...

and then comes hers.. 25 on the 25th...

today, my daughter's dad took her to pay her medical bills... that's the drive from/to hell... he bitches and moans about the cost she is to him...

but, not today...

when she'd told him about the impending MRI on Friday, he'd destroyed her emotionally... yesterday she'd found an email from him written on Sunday, and very short, asking for more details... he'd utterly shut her down with his temper tantrum last week... only wanting to focus on himself... the COST of the MRI for him to freakin bear... sorry, he gets me riled up lately.... really frustrated with his egocentric mind... I know he's got delusions of grandeur... and so much more as aspects of that damaged and deranged psyche... but still... oh, how I wish my baby had a healthier father, instead of what she calls him... sperm donor...

anyway... he was decent... I'm thinking his wife got to him, and maybe ripped him another hole when I'm sure he'd gone home fuming over the new cost his daughter was dumping on his shoulders... let me see... man making over $42 per hour.. plus two annual bonuses... Geeee.... do I feel bad about that? Not on his or anyone else's life.

Anyway, I'm glad he'd emailed her.... and apparently didn't once complain about paying her medical bills... instead he said he'd make payment arrangements with the hospital for whatever the cost would be. That's a much more DAD like response to devastating news about his only child by blood...

that poor stubborn man can't even call his wife's children his step children... and won't consider his grand baby his... that is one sad life to lead... so unyielding... so unforgiving... anyway... I'm glad he wasn't so testy and bitchy.. I was prepared for a daughter in a puddle of sorrows and tears and instead she was in shock... Oh I love her.

today, I bought her some therapy/medication...
a kit for making parachute bracelets and other small things with thatstuff... and, some PC games. We'll be looking for used Nintendo DS Lite games, too.. and plain old DS... I'm wondering if there are any Spyro ones... she loves that game
and misses the old PS1 and the old original Nintendo we'd had when she was a micro sized person. I'll be hoping to afford a set of LEGO's too... but I'll hunt around in my storage unit to see if I can find her old bucket of them, for now... ANYTHING to keep a mind distracted from sorrow, pain and past... just to focus on anything NOT likely to trigger fear and PTSD.

Yes, she's an adult... but hey, I love LEGO's too. I miss my lincoln logs... they were in the back seat of the CRV that was impounded for costs when they refused to tell me how much and when I could go down to pay for what little they did for me waaay back when... Smiles.. yes, really.. I LIKED Lincoln logs. I'd grown up with a set of them and then got the first release lego set... anyway... long time fan of building and creating wants to do things for her daughter who doesn't mind reverting to a little kid on the floor at times.

Friday afternoon... I get to take her up to the U of U Neuroscience Center, just up the road from the hospital and just before the Huntsman Cancer Center.

The clock is ticking... and I am eager to get things moving forward for my daughter... one way or another, she'll get the help she needs.

In the mean time... I'll tell you about my job...

Do you know what it's like to love your job? I seriously enjoy what I'm doing... and so much less stress... I've been wondering over my sudden ability to heal super duper fast from colds... at first I was thinking it was my over doses of multivitamins... Now, I'm wondering if it's the reduced stress, too... that would make sense.

Today they had interviews for an opportunity for Team Lead position on my project. I hadn't bothered applying. I'd been tempted... but my application would have been before my 90 days was up -- yesterday the 12th of Jan was the official date. One of the older men on the team asked when I was interviewing and told me what time his was to be happening... I smiled and told him I hadn't and he'd acted surprised. No way... I told him I wasn't ready.. later, I admitted to my own TL that I hadn't wanted that obligation and to not be there when I NEEDED to be able to be... I'll have some personal days added to my account next month. Next month I can take PAID time off. I know I'll need to use it. I told him I love my work and I'd have loved to be TL, BUT... I believe in being responsible. I wouldn't have been if I'd committed myself to learning the new job and needing to plan multiple days off for my daughters... well, for who knows how many appointments and days. I have to be realistic. He didn't say much. Eyebrows waggled a bit and his face softened. He's a loving daddy himself. Both my supervisory officers are good dads who're devoted to their children.

Anyway, I love my job. I really do love that place. There are good people there. And people all around me have at times caught my conversations on the phone and mentioned knowing what kind of person I am, and how completely I do my job. I try. I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. But I love helping people. The other day, I got into a long conversation in chat with another worker in a different section.. just a few rows from me... she told me about her area ant that job. THAT one could be stressful, but still not anything like at the call center. Why? Because this is an office. We do more than pick up the phone. We handle so much more. Anyway... when there's an opening in that section, I'm applying. I love every step in the process and that's what they do. From start to finish, that group is small, and customized... and that's fine with me. Good company. Good people. I'm happy with what I do. And I'm honored by the award I'd received before Christmas, and the feedback from my supervisors and team mates all over this office. A good place to be.

14cm.. that's the size of the mass in my kid's abdomen... further study is needed..
NOT the CT scan... an MRI.
I get to schedule it tomorrow. The doctor recommended anti-anxiety meds before we go for it since she knows how extreme K's freak outs are... nodding... no way I want her coming undone due to being in a grinding, clicking, humming tube.

my angeldoll was as cold as ice after being counseled by her PCP... I'm grateful that she gave permission for Dr. R to share the straight up with me...

I've held my daughter close to my heart so much of my life. I shared the news with my sisters and well.. with you.

14cm is big... so crazy big.

I'll tease K later about surgery making her drop pounds and inches... that'll be true provided they determine A. what the hell that thing is... B. malignant or benign.. and C. operable or not.

I'll focus my hope and faith upon my daughter.. my love and joy and gratitude for the miracle that she is...

the good things in life outweigh the frustrations and negative...

yesterday I posted in here right after my daughter erupted in self pity and ire, accusing me of making things all about me.

I'm not sure that I get that... but I listened then commented softly. I was simply pointing out a time in my life a decade ago, when I too was terrified of a negative outcome... however, I hadn't had the lump she has got. I'd experienced other symptoms thaat turned out to be my hormonal imbalance on a high... I was able to help myself... well, with the help of my now ex, who did research at work, and at home... surfing the web and purchasing books on homeopathy... yes, regardless of abuse verbal and physical he helped rescue me from my out of control body. I was the guinea pig we used to test my formulae until we found one just for me and my issues. Other women around us begged for samples offered to pay for it, then expected it all for free... we'd spent thousands of hours researching and then testing and creating samples to work with until we created one customized for my symptoms, my body.

I was lucky.

My daughter had a valid point. She's got an unique set of troubles and problems and nightmares all of her won making and all due to her own fears and her own symptoms and experiences. Her fears are completely her own. Sadly her reactions are selfish in nature... Yesterday morning, she wanted to escape our home... I'm sure it's a prison too often to her. Trapped all day long, when she'd like to see another set of walls at times, other than these ones. So little to keep her mind occupied and distracted from her own fears...

She literally was out of control with her self created night mare, and was powerfully dragging me out of bed, without thought for my welfare. I had to scream out for her to stop NOW... I would have been dragged from my too tall bed, to slam against the frame and then the floor in seconds had she not heeded my demand right then. Her fear rules her...

How many times are we each ruled by our own fears and depressions? How deeply does it run? How terribly does it destroy our hopes and dreams? And how often do we meet with real worries like this one?

The very idea of my baby, my daughter, my child.. experiencing the loss of reams of babies in her future. Her own wee one, after giving birth. held in her arms, sweat running down her face and matting her ginger ringlets... my own child is watching her own desires and hopes fall away from her. This is a real likelihood for my daughter. The possibility of a needed removal of at least the one ovary is true, real and there. She's only 24. She's never been pregnant. Unlike her father's selfish pleas of give me a grandchild, I don't care if the baby daddy is in your life... How selfish a demand... Especially of a young woman who's been on medication that could have taken away all those possibilities for her already. Anyway, I am very concerned about that daughter of mine... I know she's overreacting as she always does, to everything she fears... But I also know that I wonder... will this require removal of her ovary? A hysterectomy? Chemo? Is this benign as hoped?

All I can say is I hope things will be achieved for her, so that she can lead as normal a life as possible. So that she will be able to still feel like a "Real Woman," and, that she will have the support and counseling needed to help her through this trial in her life...

Now, back to the this place... and away from the worries and troubles in the life of my daughter and myself...

My daughter needs distraction from her woes. My goal is to find distractions she can use or have right here in our home.... Any suggestions? any thoughts?? Share them, please... I'm hoping that I can encourage her to start back into making and designing her own jewelry.. she used to sell hers when she was a teen... or maybe to find a cheap used gaming console, and games for her... thinking of other ideas, and, well... any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.