To be honest... I wonder why I still have an account here. There are days I seriously debate deleting as I never come on this site anymore. Has it's time passed? Maybe so.

Where'd everyone go? What a hypocrite I am to ask that - where did I go?!

Nothing to report folks, but I thank the 1380 of you for reading my crap thus far. Thank you.

Blah.

Listen to music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YxqFv9WNuM

I feel like I'm playing the waiting game with so much in my life right now. It's not that I lack patience - believe me I've got tons - but that I feel somehow... Unprepared for whatever is to come, and that has always been one of my strong points.

I'm fairly decent at seeing what is generally going to happen before it does, and I at least get a little prepared for it - and I'm not even talking emotionally. I use the library heavily for researching things, and I have a wide range of friends who're very open to sharing their experiences and teaching me when I seek advice and their thoughts.

For the things I do not see coming, that do surprise me, I've also generally been good on my feet and able to adapt to new or changing things quickly. I'm very good at slowing things down, and giving myself time to figure stuff out.

But now... I don't feel a lack of confidence at my ability to do so. But I don't feel confident either. There have been plenty of times when I've gone into a situation completely confident of one thing; if I work hard at it, listen, pay attention, be sensitive to the situation, I WILL figure out what to say and do.

I might have zero idea entering the situation of what the hell to say or do, but I had that feeling right in my gut, that confidence, that the more I felt things out, the better picture I'd get and with that better picture I would find out how to make the situation better - not fix it, or make it perfect - but just simply better.

And I can't find that confidence. It's like it's missing... Misplaced would be more accurate. It's somewhere there. I just can't find it.

So I sit, playing the waiting game. Some of this stuff is out of my control, some of this stuff I've given up control of and other stuff I never had any control of but I know I'll have a say in how the aftermath goes.

But right now, I'm on the sidelines... And I suck on the sidelines... And when I think about what is to come, I don't feel that "magic" at the moment that not only will I be able to handle the coming storm, but that I will excel at it and when it's all said and done the only thing left from that storm will be a rainbow when I'm done with it.

And yet, rereading this blog, I realize something. I'm not even worried about finding it. Do I think I'll simply just get "it" back when things start going bad? Is it truly a light switch inside me that just gets flipped?

And is that lack of worry actually the dim glow of that confidence? Is it hiding under the surface, "lost", keeping my nerves calm? Who knows.

I guess we'll find out. Such is life, after all.

It's been kind of interesting going back and reading my blog. I had forgotten I had deleted some of the more personal blogs I had written. I wonder if I'll do the same this time? Who knows.

I do know, for some reason, I don't really feel much emotional connection to the more personal blogs or what they are about. Not sure if this is a good thing or not...

I had several blogs about ideas for NN, and none ever got off the ground really.

I know I do feel like I should have a crap load more blogs after writing for this long. I swear I lead a semi interesting life.

Okay, that's actually a lie, but I'm decently creative and I'm sure I could invent a semi interesting life for myself. You kinda have to be creative, working for the FBI and all. I mean the CIA. Yeah, the CIA. The CIA is definitely more interesting...

Hmm... Gonna be a potentially interesting two weeks.

Today is Monday....


says it in a sentence doesnt it





groannnnnnnnnn

Say what?

I really got nothin'. Maybe my blogs will go back to being boring for a while. I'd like to do boring for a while, I think.

Okay, that's a lie - but I'm not erasing it. That would take too much effort as opposed to all the typing/effort I am doing explaining this to you all.

There's that feeling inside. That feeling of wanting to say something, say anything, but finding that nothing comes out. A picture is worth a thousand words they say, but if you give me a thousand words, I can paint you a whole world.

Words have always been my tool. I use them to defend my friends. I use them to get me into trouble. I use them to heal friends. I use them to get me out of trouble. With words, I have been able to make the seemingly impossible come true.

Words have never really let me down. And I'm not saying they have now, but then what is this blog truly about then? What am I searching for in these words?

Something wants to come out. It's right there, and yet I can't find those words to summon forth that feeling inside that desires to be let out. That, by touching air, will somehow change things. Make things different. Better. Easier.

But, wait, do I have it? Right here? Is this it? Are these the words I want to say? Are these the words that will make all the difference? But how could these words, written on a blog, make any difference at all?

Because, you stupid hypocrite, it's better out than in - rotting like a cancer, and ripping you up inside.

So I'll say it.

You're a dumb girl, and I don't like these new feelings that try to rip inside all the warm ones I keep of you, that want to corrupt what we had.

You're a silly girl, because you tell me you miss me, and yet you do nothing about it. How many times have you read that letter?

Don't you realize you terrible cute thing? It's not too late for everything to be alright. But I don't know how long I can keep it alright without you.

Fight for me, and I'm yours.