What to say, huh?

I've done quite a bit of talking lately, and I guess when it comes down to it, I've nothing more to really say at the moment.

I wonder how long this'll last!

I have two heroes I'd like to speak of. Their names are Cheryl, and Tam. I have been blessed with having these two strong women in my life, and I am all the better for it.

Thank you both for everything you've taught me. I promise I won't let it go to waste.

I am giving this site a premature good bye, and I will explain why, although I think they will only make sense to one person here.

For the past couple of weeks, I have not been myself. If you know me, you know that one of the things I do best in this world is be myself through anything. But I lacked my confidence, I lacked my charm, I lacked my craziness, I lacked my humor, I lacked everything that makes me, me. I lacked me.

And today I lack me again. But this is a good thing. Because today I am not going to be me. I don't WANT to be me today, I won't even attempt it. Because today I am going to be someone else.

Today I am going to be Tam, wither it works out or not, today I am proud to be Tam and I will never regret what I do today as her.

Everyone is a teacher. If you listen. On every street corner, there are sights and sounds calling out to you. There are people, and they are teaching you. If you listen.

You maybe surprised what you can learn. You maybe surprised what you have learned. Sometimes it just takes a little while to let it soak in. Sometimes you're listening, when you don't even realize it.

I am a teacher - just like you are. I am amazing at it, in my own way - just like you are.

When you don't know what to say, I do.
When you panic, I am calm itself.
When you don't know what to do, I know the answers.
When trouble comes calling, I arrive first.

And sometimes I forget that the greatest ability a teacher should have is the ability to listen, and learn.

And sometimes I realize, stuck in the moment, that I was listening and learning without knowing it.

And most of the time I regret realizing that too late.

But I learn, and that is the important part, and I will teach what I have learned. So to that, I say thank you, for the lessons you taught me - even though you don't realize it. I won't forget them. I listened.

I just hope I'm someday around to listen some more, and to let you know that you weren't the only one learning, and that I wasn't the only one teaching.

My hero - for the moment anyways - is someone whom I do not know. For he, or she or it(I think I covered it all), is the inventor of the sleeping pill and I've zero idea who the Hell that is.

It doesn't matter what is going on. You could have the worst possible day, week, month, your mind could be racing a billion and one thoughts that you wish would just stop or shut up(Most likely both) and these little God sends will do the trick.

Slowly, they drift you off to sleep with a promise that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow things will be better. Tomorrow you will be better. Because tomorrow anything - ANYTHING - is possible.

Sleeping pills, I lov-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

I wish I were a little more human like you.

I see you, oh how I see you, going about your days and lives, doing as you please without thought or regret. Without a care in the world to your actions, and how they affect others.

I see how your emotions boil at a moment's notice, the release of stress and frustration that comes from a well timed scream or the wild irresponsible acts befitting a juvenile with no thought behind them.

I take note of the petty actions, the selfish ones, the cowardly ones, the disregard for others and it makes me glad to not be a human like you.

But there is that little human crawling inside me. I can feel him in my gut, and he - he - wants to wish you to feel what I feel. To know what I know. To know what you can only guess at.

But I - me - wish you well, and I am glad I feel that way, and not like the others.

I am glad not to be "human."

I'm aware of the beating of my heart. I have been since Sunday, maybe even Saturday, things have been a bit of a haze. How it slows, speeds up and dances in between. It jumps at random sometimes too now.

I'm aware of the beating of my heart. When the world is loud, I feel it. When there is nothing but the deadly embrace of silence, I can't help but hear it, every beat and pump right there in my chest.

I'm aware of the beating of my heart. This wasn't like last time. Do I care so little right now? Is that why I find this so interesting? Is that why I find myself in darkness, not to hide or seek out pain, but to listen to the beating of my own heart out of some odd morbid interest?

Yes, I'm aware of the beating of my heart, and I wish I was more aware before.

Today the most people I've been in contact with is one. But later on I'll find myself in a situation, and I will feel something we have all felt at least once in our lives.

I'll be in a group, and I'll crack jokes, I'll have jokes cracked at me, I'll smile, I'll kid, I'll be kidded, I'll be charming, I'll be with good people having a good time and no matter all that, I will feel completely and utterly alone.

I can feel it. Right there in my stomach. I felt it last yesterday, I felt it growing like an omen of the next days to come, and quietly it whispered that there would be nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing I could do to prevent it from stealing a day or two of my life - if not more, it doesn't wish to spoil the surprise. I will have to just stand there, take it, and wait for it to pass.

Since yesterday, it's only become worse. I tried to feed it with friends and laughter before the xxxxx grew too large to handle, but it's hunger was far greater.

I tried to appease it by running myself into the ground, to zap my own energy and it's in an attempt to prevent it from having the fuel to grow anymore, but even my body bounced back fairly quickly, and it continued with a sinister chuckle.

In one last ditch effort, I fed it bacon - yes, bacon - well cooked, crispy, perfect(Well, maybe a little overcooked...) and still the void in my stomach is unfilled. There is nothing I can do. It's almost done growing, and I can't stop what is to come.

So today, I will laugh, I will tell jokes, I will smile, I will be charming, I will be me and I will be the lonely person in the room.

Holy cow - my blog has gotten extremely boring!

HOLY SHIT - this latest blog just confirms this even more!

"I'm not talking about the future, and I'm not dreaming of the past. I'm not speaking about the first time, I never think about the last. So now this song is nearly over, and we may never find out what it means."