From the time I was a toddler and for my entire life I had the sweetest best friend. As little girls we got into a ton of mischief. As teens we got into trouble. As young adults we got into situations. LOL.
She had a smile that lit up a room. She had a laugh that was intoxicating. And she loved me with a fierceness that a best friend should have. She tried to drown a boy once for pushing me off a dock. LOL. But not really, she just pushed his head under and we swam off. She was strong and brave and confident.
4 years ago she celebrated her last birthday on this side of Heaven. At the time I had no idea about the demons she was fighting. The demons that would take her life a month later.
Losing someone who meant so much to me for my entire life was gut wrenching. I never knew what that term meant until that day. I had felt a broken heart a dozen years earlier when I lost my grandfather, but the hollowness that comes from losing a lifelong friend, that was new. I will never forget that phone call, or the sound of someone screaming "NO" and then sobbing that filled the room. That someone was me. But I heard it as if it was coming from somewhere else.
I miss her. Every single day of my life. She was larger than life and too big for this earth. I am not a religious person, but I do believe in "GOD", and I think he must have realized how incredibly bright and wonderful she was and so he took her back. He wanted her presence because it was so all encompassing. There was never a moment in her company that I didn't smile and feel like I was the luckiest girl to have her as my bestie.
I will love her forever. And when my time on this earth is done, I know she will be waiting for me with a brilliant smile and the tightest hug. It will be like only a moment has passed. I'm not in a rush to get there, but it's comforting to know what awaits me there.

A few days ago I lost someone else that I loved very much. I was able to go and tell her I loved her, not knowing it would be the last time, but also... sort of knowing. My heart was not ready. I spent the next day crying off and on and not leaving my cocoon of my home.
It's been a few days. I'm not crying anymore. I just feel numb to it. Being sad is exhausting. Being numb is scary. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful thing... and trying to prepare for it.
I don't know what I am feeling at the moment. I think I am just existing. Work. Homework. Kids. Putting one foot in front of the other, laughing when something is funny or dumb, keeping my mind occupied with school and vacation plans.
I guess that's better than crying.

I still want to tell someone to Fuck off. I think it would make me feel better to scream it out loud. Not sure who... I just think at this point, I'm angry at the world.

So that's where I'm at. Numb. Occupied. Angry.

I miss my daddy.

I miss his goofy laugh.
I miss his dumb dad jokes.
I miss his silly faces.
I miss his straggly hair.
I miss his self made tattoos.
I miss his voice.
I miss his hugs.

I miss my daddy.

My friends dad died.
I burst into tears when I told my bf.
He just looked down to his phone.
My tears cripple him. He doesn't react.
My heart aches so much tonight.
For my friend, her brother, her kids.
I know their heartache.
I miss my dad.
7 Months. 8 days. 4 hours... some minutes since we said goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I
Am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I
Will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I
Will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something

So I will resist the urge to apologize for their humdrum tone lately.
They are my therapy, the only kind I have time for and can afford at the moment. With that said...

Grief fucking sucks. I don't choose to feel this way, as I was told. "You make it worse by thinking about it and talking about it. Think happy thoughts. Choose to be happy." Seriously. Someone in my life said those exact words to me.
How about this, the next time you are hungry, don't think about it. Don't mention it. Choose NOT to be hungry. You can do it... I'm sure of it. Mind over matter.
Fuck that. My FUCKING dad died. My heart is fucking shattered. My so called "best friend" dumped me for some lame mother fucking reason in the darkest of my days. So fuck everything. I have NO ONE. It's a fucking miracle that I manage to get out of bed, shower, feed myself and go to work on a regular basis. Add in that I am SuperFUCKINGMom and I think I'm doing pretty well.
I don't cry in front of my kids anymore. They are fed, taxi'd anywhere they need to be, I tell them they are wonderful and I love them on a daily basis. They are not suffering for my grief. No one is. I cry in the shower. I cry in the car. I cry whenever I am alone and I feel the pressure building.
I try not to post boo hoo statuses, no one wants to see that. And my FB friends and family think I am okay. I smile through the pain and fake it every single day. I get A's in my school classes, I don't call out of work. But I'm dying inside.
I'm lonely. I sleep beside a man I love every single night, he snores and I silently cry. If he moves, I stop because he doesn't understand the depth of my grief. He can't "fix it" and that makes him uncomfortable.
Have you ever felt so fucking empty and alone in the most crowded space? Have you ever looked at someone and screamed in your head, "PLEASE see that I am hurting."
I feel hollow.
I feel alone.
I feel abandoned.
I feel sad.
But I will still smile as you walk by and say "Good morning."
I will smile when you come home from work and say, "Hi baby."
I will lie when you ask how my day was.

I let someone in. They couldn't handle it. I won't do that again.

When I was little, mama's kisses could fix any boo boo. Her hugs could make me feel safe, warm and whole.
As an adult, the hurts are sometimes bigger and Mama's hugs can't always "fix" them. But they still make me feel safe and warm.

On Saturday I was alone in my car, a song broke me down. I was driving to Mama's house. I walked past all the people in yard, hung my head as to not make eye contact, and walked in to the house to find the only place I wanted to be in that moment, Mama's arms. She didn't question it, she just wrapped her arms around me and I sobbed. Only after I had caught my breath did she ask if I was okay. By then my baby sister had come to find me, she had seen me hustle through and knew it wasn't right. She asked what was wrong, I told them both that I was just having a moment of sadness. I was triggered.
Mama's hug was just the comfort I needed to pull be back together and help me get through the moment.
As a mom, I hope that my babies always find my hugs to be the balm that they need to heal their hurts.

qdflARH06dY


Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me

I try to live my life without regrets.
One of the biggest ones I will have to live with for the rest of my life is that I allowed anger to keep me from a relationship with my dad.
One of the greatest lessons of his passing is to forgive swiftly. Don't hold grudges. When people show you who they are, accept it in whatever way you can and don't try to change them.

Today I am struggling. I am hurt. I am angry. I am sad.
Why do people put on fake faces and pretend to be who they aren't?
Fuck this day. And fuck the person who isn't who they pretend to be.

That's how long my heart has been broken.
In truth, it's been longer. It broke the day he was diagnosed. December 21st 2015. The day the Dr. basically told us that our time was limited.
"Get your affairs in order, spend time with your kids and grandkids, laugh a lot, try not to cry too much. Enjoy the time you have."
We walked out of the office and said he was wrong. OUR dad was stronger than that. We would go to Boston for a second opinion and a better Dr. He said, "I can't operate. You will die on my table."
We went to the Cancer doc. He said, "the chemo will make you wish for death." Daddy said, "I don't care. I want to do it. I want to live to spend time with my grandchildren. I want to live for my children."
How does my brain remember these conversations as if I am watching them take place? Why does my heart break every time I hear his voice rebel against what the dr's are saying?
How the fuck do I "move on?" I feel like I am dying a slow death every single day. The rock in my stomach, the weight in my chest, the lump in my throat, they all fucking hurt.
I'm pissed. I'm pissed at him. How could he let me stay mad at him for almost 20 years? He was my dad, he should have pushed me, he should have made me spill my feelings. He should have tried to show me that he was sorry and that he loved me. I'm so pissed at myself. How could I let him every think I hated him? How do I forgive myself for that?
FUCK CANCER. I fucking hate it. It ruined my life. It gave me lopsided breasts and then killed my daddy.
My daddy died on a Sunday. That morning I had done a five mile cancer walk. That night I held his hand and kissed his head as he was taking his last breaths. I collapsed under the weight of my grief outside of his room. I couldn't breath. I didn't want to.
I called my uncle and told him that his big brother was gone. That my daddy had died. Then I called my step sisters and told them the same. I said the words out loud and threw up. "My daddy died tonight. I'm sorry, please don't cry."
6 months and 15 days... that's how long my heart's been broken. I don't think there is anything in the world that can fix it. It's just a place holder in my chest now. I feel empty. I feel unlovable in my current state. How can you love someone with a broken heart? I lack the ability to love you back 100%. I can go through the motions, but at the end of the day, it's still damaged. I'm damaged.
No one knows. They see me. I smile. I laugh. I pretend that my grief is getting better. If ONE person were to look me in the eyes, they would see. It's a lie.
I probably won't leave this here. It feels raw and too real.
I'm exposed...