Shock
Shock is the initial reaction to a loss, whether in the form of death, divorce or any other form of loss that impacts an individual's functioning. Shock is the reaction that forms out of a feeling of disbelief, leaving a feeling of being temporarily numb. It is a defense mechanism that serves to protect the individual from being overwhelmed. This phase can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, depending on the gravity of the loss.
Denial
Denial is a defense mechanism that the individual employs to deny that the loss actually happened, whether the loss is finding out about the death of a loved one or finding out very bad news, such as learning that someone has a serious illness. The individual acts as though nothing has happened or denies that what she has heard is actually true. In effect, she closes her mind to what has occurred and continues her life for a certain length time, acting as though nothing has changed.
Anger
Anger typically occurs after denial in the grief phase, although it may occur at any point during the grieving process. Anger may be directed inward or outward, at others, a specific person or society in general. In this phase, emotions that may have been pent up for quite some time tend to erupt, and the frustration at having little or no control over circumstances may be directed toward anyone who gets in the way.
Bargaining
Bargaining is a form of desperation in which the individual tries to make deals to regain what he has lost. He may bargain with God or to himself in order to try to reclaim a loved one. In this stage, people try their best to cling to the things they have lost, even though they know the things will never come back.
Depression
When the individual accepts the inevitable and realizes that her efforts of avoidance are futile, a period of depression generally sets in. She finally realizes that she has no control in preventing the outcome, and she may turn away from loved ones, believing that there is no one who can understand what she is going through, or no one who can help her to feel better. She may cry frequently or appear despondent, and she may also alternate between the two.
Acceptance
Acceptance occurs when people learn to deal with the reality of the situation. They have passed through some or all of the previous phases of grief, and they now move on to this final phase where they take action to get closure with what has happened or with what is going to happen.

Three years ago today...

I held your soft hand as you took your final breath.
I kissed your sweet cheek as tears ran down my own.
I dropped my sister off at home and went home to an empty place.
I cried in the shower until the water ran cold. The pain was so intense.
The sun was shining and it pissed me off.
Today...
I miss your soft hands.
I miss your familiar smell.
I am home alone.
The pain is still intense at times. You were my home.
I miss you every single day.
I will miss you for the rest of my life.


"'cause there's holes in the floor of Heaven,
"And her tears are pouring down.
"That's how you know she's watching,
"Wishing she could be here now.
"An' sometimes if you're lonely,
"Just remember she can see.
"There's holes in the floor of Heaven
"And she's watching over you and me."

What a wreck I am.
I thought I was over the worst of it.
Yesterday I had some triggers, things that brought Dad to the forefront of my mind.
It hurts. My stomach feels so sick with grief. I barely ate. I tossed and turned. My dreams were not the good kind.
I feel lost in this space. And alone. The last "down days" I had my bf made it perfectly clear that he thinks I control my feelings. "You make yourself sadder by talking about it. Just think of something else."
He has no understanding of how it feels to lose a parent. Since we've been together, I've lost my best friend since childhood, my treasured Grammie, and now my dad. This is the first time I feel like he's indifferent to my pain.
I'm trying to swim through the storm. I'm getting so tired. I need someone to help me keep my head above water.

Hurt
Christina Aguilara

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes.

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again.
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this, ooh, whoa

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh, oh, oh.

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

It's been a long, cold winter.
My heart broke at the end of October, and the darker, colder days made the ache so much stronger.
It's been a rollercoaster for the past 175 days.
By no means is my grief done. I am not "over it."
But I feel like I have gotten through the darkest storms.

Spring is here. Summer is on the way.

The warmth and sunshine are like a balm to my soul.
I miss my daddy. I will forever miss him. But he lives on through me.
So bring on the sunshine, and bring on the warmth.

And love them anyway.

When I was a little girl I was adopted by the man my mom married. He gave me his name, two siblings, and as much love as he knew how for about 5 years.
When my parents split up, he moved on, actually he moved on first, that is why they split up. His new wife and new life did not have enough room for all of us. He became a part time dad. Not even every other weekend. More like, whenever he felt like it. His new wife liked to remind me that we shared no DNA. I was young. And although I already new the origins of my beginnings, it stung for someone to tell me that I wasn't his "real" daughter.
Those words were the only ones that would lead him to defend me. She could accuse me of "stealing" food, not taking proper care of myself, and of saying things I didn't say, and he would say nothing. He would let her send me to "my" room for hours. He would allow her to withhold meals from me for my alleged misbehaviors. She pretty much could say and do what she wanted towards me, and he would turn a blind eye. I was hurt.
I stopped visiting him. I stopped calling him "Daddy", I thought I would never forgive him.
I did.
Their marriage didn't last. I was both happy and sad. I was happy because I thought that meant I would get my Daddy back. I was sad because he was so crushed and attempted suicide while home alone with a younger sibling. It hurt to think that he would rather die without her than to live for his children. (Remember that... it will come back up later)
Years would pass and our relationship would have it's ups and downs. He got remarried and gave me another sibling. I got married, he walked me down the aisle, along with my step dad. My new husband I lived with Dad and his new wife for a little while.
My marriage didn't last. My husband was an asshole. End of that story.
Dad's new wife was the opposite of his last one. She was sweet and loving and so wonderful. We had a lot in common, after all, she was closer to my age than to his. By a lot. Dad had always been a bit of a recluse. He had social anxiety. It got worse as time went on. His new, younger wife couldn't live that life. That marriage didn't work out either. We continued to mend our relationship, always with me going to him. But I loved him, so I was willing to do that.
I got married a second time. Before my wedding dad said some things that crushed me. I don't want to share those things. But it was the biggest wrench ever thrown into our relationship. I stopped talking to him. I couldn't even believe how hurtful he could be without knowing it. For years I would only see him during holidays, I would hug him and tell him I loved him. I did. But the hurt was so big.
Dad got sick. We started to talk again and make moves forward in healing our relationship. I had no idea how sick he was. Neither did he. 15 months ago the Cancer rollercoaster showed up. It was a ride that sucked for all of us. We rallied. We all tried to go to the most important appointments. We made sure dad knew that whatever path he chose, we would walk with him. And if needed, we would carry him. He was told that the Chemo would make him wish for death. He said, "I don't care. I want to do it. I want to live to spend time with my grandchildren. I want to live for my children." 26 years earlier he had tried to end his life over a woman instead of choosing to live for his children... here we were a lifetime later and he was choosing us. He was choosing so much pain, so much discomfort, and so much fear for us. Some would say, "too little too late." But no. It wasn't. We loved him bigger, stronger, harder. We changed our lives to take care of him as the end got harder.
A couple weeks before my dad lost his bravest fight we had a conversation. He prompted it while I was feeding him chocolate pudding. The words he said to me will forever be mine alone. But they were healing words. They are the words I remember when I am feeling so broken and lost and reliving our ups and downs.
When I spoke at his funeral I shook. My heart felt like it was literally breaking into a thousand pieces. There are days that I still feel like I did that day. There are days that I will have a great day, and then the guilt that I am not deeply grieving will gut punch me.
"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

If you've read this whole thing... thank you. If not, it's okay. It was for me. Not anyone else.


Edited to add: The quote at the end is not mine. I read it somewhere. The words are so true, so I chose to use them. I don't know their origin, or I would have credited the originator.
(sorry, being in school, I want to stress that I in no way intended to plagiarize someone else's words.)

So here I sit, I should be doing homework, but I cannot concentrate. I find myself reliving my past here at NN. I have made so many wonderful friends, some of whom I talk to in other places. I am so happy to be back here. This place is more than naked people. I have found so many things here.
My confidence.
Good friends.
People to lift me up when I am feeling down.
I just want to thank you all for being incredible people.
Each day I think of my dad, sometimes there are still tears, but most of the time, I am able to think of happier times. One day I will write more about him and our relationship. I find it therapeutic, even if no one reads it.
I am happy to be back here. I have missed my friends.
xoxo

MissP

It was a crazy rollercoaster year.
My dad was misdiagnosed. His cancer wasn't pancreatic... It was liver. He went through some chemo, and it helped, a little. But then it stopped working and he got sick. We spent a lot of time together, and I was there when he lost his battle in October. Its been 80 days since we said goodbye.
I'm still grieving. Every day.

But, I'm not wallowing. I'm seeing the good in each day. I'm spending time with those who love me. I'm working, going to school, and just staying busy.

I already wasn't feeling it.
Then to find out 4 days before that my dad has Pancreatic Cancer?
Yeah, count me out of all Holiday cheer.

I tried to edit it, deleted instead.
There is NO cancer!!!! I'm all clear.
Thank you for all the love and best wishes.
The fear is easier to face when I know I'm not alone.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I had my yearly mammogram last week.
They want me back for more scans.
I'm trying to keep positive, but I'm terrified.
Fuck Cancer.