it's been 9 months and 4 days.
I miss her when I'm driving all by myself.
I miss her when something good happens in my life and I can't call her.
I miss her when I can't sleep.
I miss her when I think of spring coming and her not being here.
I just miss her.

When I start to feel overwhelmed with grief I just think about my daughters favorite movie from when she was a toddler. Finding Nemo. And one scene in particular... and I just keep swimming. Life is good. I have a job. A car. Healthy children and a man who loves me. Most days I smile a lot. But im still missing her a lot. It's been 88 days. They say time heals all wounds. But I wonder how MUCH time it'll take for this hurt to subside. I had almost 37 years of the most genuine, unconditional love that I've ever known. And after 88 days I still feel so lost.
So I just keep swimming so as not to drown in my grief.

My Gramma died 19 days ago. My heart hurts every day. She was my favorite person in the world for my whole life. I was with her when she took her last breath.

She took her last breath and my heart is broken. Im so lost in my grief that I cant see straight.


"Can't Cry Hard Enough"

I'm gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is an empty chair

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.

It's been a long time since I have been an active member here. It's been a while since I have blogged here. I stopped blogging because I was going through a separation with my husband and every word I wrote seemed personal to him. I have so much love and respect for him that I needed to step away. We were not able to work things out and will be divorced before to long. But he is a good man, and also a member here. (Ladies... he is a catch! We just weren't good anymore)
So what has happened since I was here in May...
One of my childhood friends died. Drug overdose. It was devastating and broke my heart to say goodbye.
I ended a relationship that was not a good choice for me. Although he too was a good guy, we were just too different and it wasn't a good fit.
I met a guy who gave me goosebumps and made my hair stand up, he made me dizzy for a few months. But in the end he was just mean. He hurt my feelings far to often, so I ended it before it really began.
Then I met a guy who made me laugh. And smile. And feel like a teenager all the time. We have been together for 4 and a half months and I am happy. It was a rough start, but in the end, I feel like we are where we are supposed to be.
Two weeks ago I lost another friend. She fought the bravest fight with Breast Cancer, but in the end the Cancer was to much for her body to fight off. She left behind an amazing husband and two beautiful children. Her loss shook me. It rocked my foundation as I started to reevaluate where I am in my life.
So that is the last 8 months in a nutshell.
How have you been??

Those of you who have known me for a while know my story. I am a Breast Cancer survivor. YAY ME!!! This June I will participate in my 2nd Relay for life walk. This will be my 6th Cancer walk since October of 2010. One of those was the Susan G. Komen three day walk in Boston. 60 miles, three days. AMAZING!!! Here is my story as written three weeks after diagnosis.
***My story.... Why *I* RELAY.
Friday September 24th 2010. I will never forget that morning for the rest of my life. What if I had been on time for work that morning? What if I had NOT answered the phone for fear that I was already late?
It wouldn't have changed anything.
The doctor would have eventually said those words to me. "We got the results back of the biopsy. It's not good Steph."
12 words that changed me.
12 words that managed to do two things at the same time, take my breath away, and take my legs out from underneath me.
"You have Breast Cancer."
4 words that put fear in my heart.
4 words that made me want to chase down the school bus, take my babies off and just hold them.
"Okay, what do we do to fix it."
The 8 words that told him that I AM STRONG.
The 8 words that told ME that I AM STRONG.
This has been the craziest three weeks of my life. I have gone through every emotion a person could have. I have been scared, angry, devastated, lonely, and even happy. Weird huh? Not when you think about it. These past three weeks have shown me that I am not alone. EVER. There are so many people out there who are praying for me, sending me positive thoughts, and even a few who are trying to do things in my name. My friend is collecting yogurt tops at her babies daycare. So many of my friends and family have changed their FB photos pink, my friends and family are wearing pink everyday simply because I asked them too. My amazing boss and his incredible wife are doing a fundraiser. These people are all people who love me. These are people who's lives I HAVE TOUCHED. So yes, this SUCKS. CANCER SUCKS. It is scary, it is so damn scary that I feel like I could explode any moment. I cry when I'm alone. I cry when I am not alone. But I read somewhere that "Cancer is a word, not a sentence." And that is what I know in my heart to be true. I will walk away cured. But I will NEVER walk away from this cause until there is a cure. I will never stop advocating for this disease for the rest of my life. I feared those words for so long, since the first time I found a lump at 26 years old. But I am not afraid of this disease anymore. Now I am PISSED that it dares to even exist.****

Today I stand by what I said. I will NEVER stop advocating. I will never stop walking. So why am I writing this?? Because I will also NEVER stop fundraising. And I know that some of you MAY want to help. If you are interested in making a donation, please send me a PM and I will direct you to my fundraising page.
Thank you to those who will make a donation in advance.

xoxoxo
MissPriss

I didn't mean to delete that last blog. Thank you to everyone who reached out with comments or pm's.
My heart hurts. But I know I will be okay. I am strong and have been through hell and back.
The person I was referring to does not do it on purpose. I hope.
I Just know that love is the most complicated emotion there is and I sort of wish I never let myself fall so hard. Then it wouldn't hurt so much.
Sadness sucks. Hurt sucks. Depression sucks.

I'm a girl with nothing to say because she feels like no words would be right.

I'm the girl who smiles almost everyday.
I'm the girl who loves love.
I'm the girl who will have your back.
I'm the girl who blushes when complimented.
I'm the girl who loves her family more than anything in the world.
I'm the girl who says yes to almost every favor.
I'm the girl who puts every person in her life that she loves above herself.
I'm the girl who will never ask for the things SHE wants because she doesn't NEED them.
I'm that girl.