While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

.... and then he made the earth round.




That God, he's such a joker.......

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming,
that's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
this describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
but I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other,
that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,

and so are you, but, the roses are wilting, the violets

are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
but don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
two parts vodka, one part lime.

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Little Johnny was the most "potty-mouthed" kid in school, looking for every chance to offer a "new " word for the rest of the kids to take home. So naturally when the teacher started a new vocabulary exercise for the class it went like this:
"OK class" "I'll give you a letter and you give me a word that starts with that letter."
"Alright then, the first letter is A"
Little Johnny wanted to go first, but had finally gotten it into his head that the teacher wanted everyone to raise their to be called on before speaking, so he was in there with his hand flailing around in the air with the rest of the class.
The teacher looked around the room to pick one of the students and knew she had better not pick Johnny...after all she knew what word she would likely get and it would probably be dirty, so she called on little Mary who sat in front of Johnny.
"Mary" said the teacher. As Mary stood up little Johnny whispered to her "Say asshole, Mary, say asshole." Mary says "Apple" and the teacher says "Thank you, Mary".
"The next letter is B" Hands shoot up, teacher scans the class and picks little Billy, who sits on Johnny's left.
"Say Bastard, Bill, Say Bastard" Billy says "Baseball".
Then the letter is C, and little Amy, on Johnny's right.
"Say cock, Amy, say cock". On and on went the exercise and the teacher was running out of choices and would soon HAVE to pick little Johnny.
She had heard him whispering to the class with each letter "Dildo", "Epididymis", "Fuck", "Gynecology", and so on.
26 students, 26 letters, she had finally come to end and had to call on Johnny. "And the last letter is Z, and Johnny is the only student left who has not given an answer, so Johnny your letter is Z".
Johnny was befuddled. Z? What word started with Z in his lexicon of dirty words. Z? Johnny stood up and said "uh, Z-z-z-Zebra?"
"Very good" said the teacher feeling triumphant that she had gotten an answer that did not create a problem.
"Yeah", said Johnny " A big fuckin' Zebra with wide-ass black and white stripes!"

I figured out why I'm so fat. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, "For extra volume and body."
I am going to start using Dawn dishwashing soap. It says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

i got stopped by the police last night, as part of the drink driving campaign , The police woman asked me , How many drinks have you had in the last 24 hours Sir ?
Apparently the correct answer isnt , "Not enough to fuck you "

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"

"Because I have shit running up my neck!!!"

I Spent $50 on Ebay for a penis enlarger.

The Bastards sent a magnifying glass.