A girl about to be married confessed to her close friend that she was not, as her fiance thought, a virgin. She asked her friend what to do.
"No Problem," said the friend, "Just buy a piece of raw liver and shove it up inside you. It will make you tight and he will never know the difference."
The girl followed this advice and on her wedding night the groom consummated the marriage with tremendous energy in the
bed, on the floor, in the bathtub, under the kitchen table, everywhere.
She fell asleep blissfully, but when she awoke she was devastated to find the following note pinned to her pillow:

Dear Jane:
Last night was pure heaven.
Unfortunately, since we will never be able to repeat that performance, I am leaving you forever.

P.S. Your pussy is in the sink.

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy through unusual activities.
"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an immense amount of pleasure," said the professor.
"For example, a good bowel movement can be as enjoyable as making love."

A student replied, "Professor, either you don't know how to screw, or I don't know how to shit."

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing”. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you too”. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



His Diary:
Snowmobile wouldn't start today, can't figure out why, got laid tonight though.

Bubba and his wife had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells Bubba who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment and goes the following day.
Bubba, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
Bubba: "Yeah, I know, she's got a nice pair of tits too!"

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate
some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world....

I told them to fuck off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

Q: What do you call a 6.9?





A: A great sex position fucked up by a period!

A gas station in Kentucky was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up.

"Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged... my wife won twice last week.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball..'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go

Frow on when I say: BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.

When say: BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say: BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled: "BELL 1!"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled: "BELL 2!"

the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled: "BELL 3!"

they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled: "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 13 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.