The preacher’s Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies.
He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80% held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the preacher.
"I don’t have any." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" asked the preacher.
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world." asked the preacher.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said,
"It’s easy, I just outlived all those bitches."

One day a firefighter and a cop die saveing a life. They both went to heaven and at the gates they are told that they both get a pair of wings, but they were told that if they have one dirty thought then they lose their wings. Well they both were going a long really good with no dirty thoughts. Then about 3 weeks later a real good looking angel walks by and the firefighter turns his head and grin and suddenly his wing fall off, well when he bent over to pick them up the cops wings fell off.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Little Johnny , looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

A certain young man finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his apartment, the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a video. During the video, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his dingy immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!"

An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your breasts on your back?'
!

'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose dick is on his face.

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna be a politician!'

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
What about trying Viagra? asked the doctor. Not a chance, she said. He won't even take an aspirin.
Not a problem replied the doctor. Give him an Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffe and he won't taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear excalimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus, begorrah, t'was horrid, just terrible doctor.
Really, what happened asked the doctor.
Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up and with a twinkle in his eye and one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothese to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop. It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!
Why so terrible asked the doctor. Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?
T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Mulligans again!!!!!.

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'