- if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey
instead of a turkey, we all would be having a piece of ass for Christmas.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."The missionary is pleased with the response.They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?The chief replied, "My bike."

One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they frequently did together.They arrived at the 12th hole where the husband promptly hit a tremendous slice that ended up behind an old barn.

"I guess I'll just have to play it safe and chip it onto the fairway," said the man.

"No wait," said his wife. "You can hit the ball through the barn."

The man decided to give it a try. But he sliced the ball, which ricocheted off the barn and struck his wife in the head, killing her instantly.The man was distraught and wallowed in his misery for many weeks, depriving himself of golf the whole time.

Eventually he relaized that he must face his demons and headed out to the very same golf course to play.Once again he found himself at the 12th hole and once again he hit a slice right behind the very same barn.As he was preparing to hit out safely to the fairway one of the other players in his four some asked if he wanted to try and hit it through the barn.

"Oh no," replied the man, horrified."I tried that last time."

"What happened?"

"i shot an 8"

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

So, one Saturday morning, Johnny wakes up early and goes to his parents room to wake them up. Finding the door closed, he opens it only to find Mom and Dad having wild sex. He realizes he's done something wrong by the way Mom screamed and Dad yelling at him to get out and shut the door.
After a few moments, Dad comes out and tries to comfort Johnny since he's crying and obviously upset.
"What were you and Mommy doing in there?" Johnny says thru his tears.
"Well, son," Dad replies, "we were trying to make you a baby brother."
Johnny is just happy as hell with this. He walks around school the next Monday and tells all his friends that he's going to have a baby brother, someone to play with, and all that.
Well, later in the week, Dad comes home from work only to find little Johnny sitting on the front porch really crying up a storm.
"What's the matter, Johnny?" asks Dad.
"Well, remember the baby brother you were trying to make for me?"
"Yes..." replies the dad.

"Well, when I came home from school today, I saw the postman trying to eat him."

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnnys face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off".

what do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Rhino???????


A: hellifino

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."