An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

When you are over sixty who gives a shit............
*********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit.
He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.
He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to unrinate on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"
The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not wait in line for anything! Sir."

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in bed.

2. Set timer to ring every 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (ALL LIGHTS OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you start.

5. Write partners name on your hand as a back up, in case you forgot it .

6. Use extra polygrip, so that your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.


9. Don't even think about trying it twice.

HINTS FOR SENIORS
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.


Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

You're still wondering if these are facts or jokes.

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.


The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter

Henry was curious and invited them into his office


They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.


They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.


The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.


Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --


Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished a 6-pack, two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Women's response to

2 inches - I can't even hold it.


3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied



4 inches- I've had bigger than it.



5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger!



6 inches- perfect.



7 inches- Love it.



8 inches - Wow!, but cant have it all.



9 inches - Painful but manageable.



10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.




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Answer For The Survey

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This Survey Was Customer's Feedback On
Different SIZES Of Subway Sandwiches.

{But I Love The Way You Think!}

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.





I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning !





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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.





She's 25, and her name's Kathy.






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Went to our local bar with my wife last night.



Locals started shouting "pedophile !" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50.





It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.





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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".





The operator says, "How do you know ?"





The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up !"



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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.





She said she would like to come back as a cow.





I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."



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My wife has been missing a week now.





The police said to prepare for the worst.





So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.



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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan.





I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the end of the driveway.






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I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for an African orphan.





I said hell no, with my luck I'd win one !