A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"

The golf pro asks, "Where?"

Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second hole."

The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator ..."

Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After few mins) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car keys,
drop my daughter at home.

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

# Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

# Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent he says and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

# Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Something must change soon.

# Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

# Day 5 What absolute bliss!!.

# Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

# Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

# Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore.

# Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me.

# Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...

# Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

# Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

# Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry"
thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

# Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

# Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on.
The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.

# Day 16 The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

# Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Egad!
Here he comes again!

# Day 18 Aaaahhhh! He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

18 You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house
17 If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique
16 The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.
15 If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14 Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.
13 It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together
11 If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
10 Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9 When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if he is really an undercover cop.
8 You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy golf stuff.
7 You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co- workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 There is no such thing as a "golf transmitted disease."
5 If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4 Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life
3 Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
2 You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
1 Your golf partner will never say, "What ? We just golfed last week ! Is that all you ever think about ?"

A woman was having sex with her lover in her apartment, 20 floors high; suddenly she heard her husband arrive.

She told her lover: “Stay like statue and don't move”.

Husband: Who is this?

Wife: This is a robot I bought to have sex with when u r traveling.

Husband: OK, let's have sex now!


Wife: No sweetheart, yesterday I got my period; so I will go & make a cup of coffee 4 u.
After she left, the husband said "Damn it I'm so horny, I will fuck this robot!

He tried fucking.

The lover started talking in a metallic robotic way:
"SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE! SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE".


Husband: Damn it! Robot is not working properly. I'm throwing it out of the window.

The lover realized that he was on the 20th floor, so he said:
"SOFTWARE UPDATED" “PLEASE TRY AGAIN!".

A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.
It's a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.
"No lassie" he replies, "everything is in fine working order."

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?