A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.




'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in a honeymoon suite. All night long, the bellboy hears laughing and clapping sounds from their room.
The next morning, he asks the old man how he can do it all night at his age.
The husband replies, "First, I remove my clothes. Then, I lie down on the bed face up. Then, my wife removes her clothes and lifts up my penis with one hand, and we make a bet. If it falls to left when she lets go, I win; if it falls to right, she wins."
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only 8 minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explained the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to
give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you
do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them,

"This is your asshole before prison...."

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.

About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."

Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.

"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.

Ian replied, "Pepper."

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."




A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"




A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like
to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair,then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.



Did you hear about the blonde that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?


Did you hear about the blonde that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?


Why can't you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
Because they go answer the door.





How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
You knock on the door.




What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”







He replied, “Well, there’s nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.




Who are you going to turn your back on?

And that my friend is a Dilemma!

There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."

Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar. She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.

And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says,

"Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."

My wife said to me, "Walter, it is about time you learned to play golf.
you know." Golf - that's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.
So I went to see Jones and ask him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure - you've got balls, haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the club house tomorrow," he said, "and we will tee off." "What's tee off?" I asked. "It's a golf term, we have to tee off in front of the club house." he explained. "Not for me," I said, "you can tee off there
if you want to, but I'll tee off behind a barn somewhere." "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." he said.
"Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground." "What!" I exclaimed. "Yes," he said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.
" I asked "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do," he said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far and I said so.
He said, "You've got a bag, haven't you?" "Sure." I said. He said "Your balls are in the bag, aren't they?" - "Of course." I told him. "Well, can't you open the bag and take one of your balls out?" he said. I said
"I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him "No, I'm the old fashioned type."
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after twentyeight years I should have some sort of idea, and I told him so. He said "You take your club in both hands," - folks, I knew then he didn't know what he was talking about - "and swing it over your shoulder." "No, no that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about." He asked me,
"How do you hold your club?" and - before I thought I said in two fingers and none of your damned business. He said "That isn't right" and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he'd show me how. He couldn't teach me that though - I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.
He said "You hit your ball and it will soar and soar." I said "I could well imagine." Then he said "And you are on the green." "What's the green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is." he said. "Sure you are not color blind?" I asked. "No! Then you take your putter." "What's a putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made." "That's what I've got, it's a putter." "And with it" he said "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected "You mean the putter?" "No" he said, "the ball, the
hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter both." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. Then he said "After you made the first hole, you go to the next 17."
He wasn't talking to me! After two holes, I'm about shot to hell. "You mean, you can't make 18 holes in one day? Hell no, it takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I'm in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will be up" he said. JUST MY LUCK.