There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the
marriage counselor 's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, 'The rhythm method . ' 'That will work, ' said the counselor, 'if you keep a good record. '

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth control pills , ' she said. Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them. '

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. He answer was, 'The pail and saucer method. ' After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were
pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby. '

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby. '


He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you? '

She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ...........

I kick the pail out from under him!

An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio
because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man?"

The Texan answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get your Ass out and wait for a Fucking camel.

The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes.

The response time of a S&W .357 Magnum is 1400 feet per second.

Think About It.......

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard. One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it.
Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory.
The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple.
The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut.
Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs.
She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times.
''I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse.''

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fuckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

ACTUAL LETTER FROM A NEWFOUNDLANDER RENEWING HIS PASSPORT....A MUST READ!
What do you think???

John Tucker
St Johns Nl
Canada


This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport
Office, from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.

Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all
those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-fucking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me,I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house,
then you ask me for my fucking address!!!!

What is going on?
Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for fuck sakes.
I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach
somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am
- you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN !!

Social worker: Do you drink?

Biker: Yes

Social worker: How much a day?

Biker: Three 6-packs

Social worker: How much cost per 6 pack

Biker: about $10.00

Social worker: And how long have you been drinking?

Biker: 15 years

Social worker: So one 6-pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900.


In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Biker: Correct

Social worker: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Biker: Correct

Social worker: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?



Biker: Do you drink?




Social worker: No




Biker: So where's your fucking Ferrari?

Last week, my friend checked into a motel on her 40th birthday and she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.

He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman passes gas. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except tonight is the last night."