once you get to know me i am fun to be around, but i am shy at first. i have a good ear and do not repeat what i am told in confidence.
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Tuesday, January 8, 2013, 9:31:53 PM- Headache.......... | ||||||
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache!' 'Perfect,' her husband said. 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.' | ||||||
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Monday, January 7, 2013, 11:59:56 PM- Kite.............. | ||||||
One day a father and son are flying a kite. The kite is going in circles and crashing. The father comforts the son and the mother yells, ''You need more tail!'' The father then tells the son, ''Son, I will never understand your mom. Last night when we were having ''fun'', I asked her for more tail and she told me to go fly a kite.'' | ||||||
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Sunday, January 6, 2013, 4:20:31 PM- Scared blond woman.......... (TWL or NS) | ||||||
A blond takes her typewriter to the doctor. "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant." The doctor asks, "Why in the world would you think that?" She says, "Because it's started missing its period." | ||||||
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Sunday, January 6, 2013, 4:16:43 PM- Construction Ear................... | ||||||
A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it." | ||||||
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Saturday, January 5, 2013, 3:17:15 PM- Golf Ball................. | ||||||
A blond golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blond golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blond golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!" | ||||||
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Friday, January 4, 2013, 10:43:07 PM- Fast Sex.............. | ||||||
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!" Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call." she agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed. | ||||||
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Thursday, December 20, 2012, 9:19:21 PM- Little.......... | ||||||
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this." "The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth." | ||||||
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Wednesday, December 19, 2012, 10:21:46 PM- Oops............ | ||||||
I was doing this beautiful Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day. | ||||||
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Tuesday, December 18, 2012, 9:19:51 PM- New Shoes.......... | ||
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight....' Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!'. | ||
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Monday, December 17, 2012, 9:31:58 PM- How did you know.............. | ||||||
One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town. The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they held hands. A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?'' The man says,''Yes, how did you know?'' She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.'' So they kissed and kept walking. A little later the woman asks the man, ''You want to do me don't you?'' The man says, ''How did you know? By the gleam in my eye?'' The woman says, ''No, by the tilt in your kilt.'' | ||||||
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