I'm so excited. Making plans to meet someone Saturday. Coffee, hiking. I was supposed to have plans with an ex this Friday, but he never called me back like he said he would. (Like a week ago.) I'm crazy about him and want to hope for the best...but at the same time, I'm so afraid I'm going to feel hurt and disappointed...and there's this little voice telling me, if he really was interested, I'd know it. I don't know if I'm supposed to assume he changed his mind. (I asked him to take pictures of me-not naked ones-and Friday was his idea, not mine. I was just asking sometime.) And it wasn't to get his attention. I don't think I should have to try to get someone's attention. He just makes me want to do all kinds of stuff...okay, stuff I want to do, just haven't wanted to do it with anyone before, the way I want to with him. Well, if he calls, he calls, and if he doesn't...well, not only will that not kill me but I'll know exactly where I don't stand.

Made black bean chili; cause it's one of the easiest dinners and everyone here loves it. Even my oldest's fiance is coming here for dinner. Long, painful day...made more bearable by Stoli's vanilla vodka. Going to watch tv with my youngest. (I have over 37 recorded shows to watch; first time ever I've had more shows than my girls combined.) Maybe tomorrow I won't hurt as much and be up to writing. Been slacking on that lately. Haven't written anything (well, other than on here) since Saturday morning.

Over 30 years, and their music is still amazing.


Making oatmeal cookies. Without raisins, cause my youngest hates them. Didn't have chocolate chips so I thought I'd try something different with a few...coconut and white chocolate chips. Yummy! (But she prefers them plain.) And I had a real nice surprise today. When I came back from working in my garden, my oldest was mowing. I came inside, went to turn her fan off in her room, which she cleaned. I could actually see her floor! Something I need to do, finish my room. I get about 3/4's the way finished, get bored, distracted, side-tracked...

Made my muffins today. A dozen regular, and coconut in the leftover batter. Maybe I didn't put enough in cause it didn't seem to add anything, but at least it wasn't disgusting. Got too side-tracked by laundry (and my basement) to do any other baking. Plus I wanted to get into my garden while it was nice. The big rock, I just filled it back in. I moved it (maybe almost a foot and it's partly sticking up) but if I wait until it's convenient for someone else to help me, it would be spring and still not done. It's easier to not depend on others. That way, sometimes, I'm pleasantly surprised. Much better than being painfully disappointed.

This must be my week for breaking things. I've been trying to move this rather large boulder I found while digging up plants in my garden. I was determined to move it on my own, and too stubborn to ask for (or admit I needed any) help. Anyway, I broke the handle on the shovel. I think my next one will not be having a wooden handle.

Might make banana bread muffins tomorrow. From scratch, and I use brown sugar instead of white. I might make some cupcakes, too. Depends on how motivated I feel. (Which will depend on how tired and/or sore I am.)

It was so nice the past couple of days, being able to catch some sun. Thought I was going to get more after therapy and my hike, but some fog rolled in off the lake. I was making cucumber dressing earlier. Yes, I did say "was." The thing is, when I poured the veggies from (my oldest's) mini-chopper into my blender, I wasn't paying attention and poured everything in...including the blade attachment for the mini-chopper. So, not only do I owe my daughter a new one, I probably need a new blender as well since some of the blades are bent. And no cucumber dressing. I think I'm going to bed a bit early tonight.

What I started with.



What I ended up with. I was wondering what Reba was doing on my suggested list...then I remembered that last Tuesday, I was looking up songs for a mother/daughter dance. But this one, this is my favorite Reba song.

A yellow amanita.



A brown amanita.



Some type of club fungi. I think.


Went hiking out by these (non-existant this time of year) falls cause it's mostly wooded. There were lots of mushrooms, almost all of them off the trail. I was a little naughty cause I went off the trail for most of my pictures (there are signs saying to stay on them) but I was very careful where I stepped. I didn't go very far though, tempting as it was. Not because I would have gotten lost. I grew up in the country. I was more worried about getting caught breaking the rules.

So, I'm perusing cupcake recipes, trying to figure out what kind to try next. Right now, I'm seeing some delectable looking lemon ones...but I was thinking about these apple-bananna ones I saw last week. I also saw some sweet potato ones somewhere (with toasted marshmallow topping) and my oldest just LOVES sweet potato pie. (I don't know how anyone couldn't; it's way better than pumpkin.) The vanilla ones I made last week used baking soda (as opposed to baking powder) and you could really taste it. So I'm now making sure I don't use any recipes that call for baking soda. (The chocolate ones were the same, it just wasn't as noticeable.) The chocolate-mint flavor was awesome, though. My oldest was funny, though. She was all worried about the presentation of the cupcakes. I explained to her that I would be trying many recipes. So that's hundreds of cupcakes. Probably more like thousands. And no, I'm not doing those perfect. And when it comes time to make them for her wedding, I'll be using cake flour. And of course, I'll measure out the batter for every single cupcake. But right now, I'm more concerned with the way they taste.

Her best friend from kindergarten was over earlier this week. My daughter figured out the complete order of her line-up. They talked about songs for the wedding, including a mother-daughter song. I like The Spice Girls "Mama" but she wants a song I don't like. Some people like to tease that it's traditional for the bride's family to pay for the wedding. That would not be happening. (Her father has never financially provided support and I can't afford to pay for the wedding they want.) But that's not traditional with everyone. For example, in my adoptive family, my youngest brother married a hmong girl. Not only did he have to pay a bride price to her family (5 grand) but my adoptive mother paid for pretty much everything else. Well, my daughter and her fiance are saving. (They have a special account set up for it.) And his family is helping out (which they can afford to do.) His mother is way more excited about stuff than I am. Partly cause I'm usually a laid-back person who doesn't plan much of anything even the day of and does a lot of things last minute. And also, I can't sustain that level of excitability for 8-9 months. Although here I am, looking at cupcake recipes and browsing mother-of-the-bride dresses (and bridal gowns and bridesmaid dress.)

Jeez, now I'm making myself hungry, all this look and talk of cupcakes. (Food is my second favorite thing in the world and it never tells me no. Or ignores me.)

Tangled

my hand in your hair,
my heart in your mouth
desire, fear

(it was just a kiss, just a kiss)

but I'm still aching for your touch
my heart's still bleeding from your teeth
nothing more than a kiss...just a kiss
but it was everything to me.