My best friend hasn't been acting like a very good friend alot of the time lately. I try to remind myself that whatever it is going on with her is her problem and not mine. But it's really hard not to take some of the bitchy, catty things she's been saying personally. For example, she has said to me several times that if I was any good at sex, then the men I've been involved with would be at my house all the time to fuck me. And since that isn't how it was, then I must be lousy in bed. I've tried explaining to her that it isn't about sex, not everything is. But she says I'm wrong cause men will do anything and put up with anything for good sex. (Nevermind the fact that both of these men live more than 30 minutes from me, have jobs, and their own lives.) Or that there is obviously something wrong with me, that I've dated and slept with anyone while they're dating (and having sex) with other women. Because if she gives her self to someone, they'd better not be doing it with anyone else. I don't know, but I thought the whole monogamy and being "in" a relationship thing was a conversation you have to have with the other party concerned after you've been dating for awhile. Last night, she was being so critical and antagonistic. She wouldn't drop anything so I asked her if she wanted to walk home because I don't have to tolerate that. Then she got real pissy with me and said, hey, she could do the same thing to me. Because apparently, on her planet, it's okay for her to be a rude, obnoxious bitch and not okay for someone to tell her to knock it off. Then she brings up about this girl when we were out who kept dancing with me. How disgusting that was. Even though she was dancing with her earlier, and she's grinded up against plenty of females. I don't usually dance that way, especially with other women, but she was cute and young and kept shoving her ass into my crotch. I was having fun. And unlike most females who dance like that with other females, I don't do that to get male attention. I like women. We're supposed to be going out tonight, but I don't want her jumping all over me and maybe stranding me out (long walk home.) And my new bestie wants to go out tonight, anyways...and my other friend has been hanging out with my new friend's ex. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing, but I go out to have a good time, not to argue.

I was talking to my best friend today about validation. How some people seek validation from others. As in, this person is treating me in a manner I don't like, so what's wrong with me? Instead of looking at it the way it really is; that person's issues and not because there is something inherently wrong with us that we don't deserve to be treated with care. (If we keep going back for more, then that's about our own issues.) Validation and worth should come from with-in. If you don't like yourself and are constantly seeking your "worthiness" from others, you're always going to feel like you're not good enough.

Well, I got alot done today. Not any writing, though. Cleaning. (Always a joy.) I went out in the back to my garden. Wandered into the tiny woods-mostly alot of buckthorn and overgrown wild grapes. I was petting a visiting kitty when I heard this super-loud buzzing...I was thinking, that sounds like a ginormously huge wasp...turned out it was a hummingbird. But it was kinda gloomy in there so I couldn't even tell what color it was. Yep, that was the most exciting thing for me today.

I'm going to stop telling men I'm "not ready for a relationship" or "I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now" or whatever version of those words I've said before. Cause I think maybe they're hearing I don't want one, not now, not ever, with them when what I mean is actually what I said. I don't want to say I'm looking for a boyfriend, either. To me, that sounds desperate. And like anyone will do. My best friend and I argue about this all the time. She thinks if you're having sex with someone, they'd better not be doing anyone else. Cause sex is "special." And never mind if it hasn't been discussed and decided beforehand. To me, sex is a biological function. Like breathing. I have sex because I want to, not because I think I'll get a relationship out of it. And I can't imagine waiting the 6 months or so it takes to really get to know someone well enough to decide if being in a committed, monogamous relationship is right before deciding to have sex. Maybe, when men ask me what I'm looking for, I'll say a "potential" boyfriend.

I had a mostly marvelous time out last night. I don't understand, though, why someone who has done some really fucked-up things to me-said really rude things to me, hit me in front of my kid, spread rumours about me, tried to fuck men I've been involved with, maybe even managed to fuck one of them, would think I'd want to speak to her. And she seemed surprised by this. So she went out of her way to try to instigate something, trying to make me pay attention to her. Cause some people just don't get that the earth revolves around the sun.

And then I run into my on/off lover's best friend...and apparently, I'm his "girlfriend" although he's never said anything to me about this. I didn't even know we were dating. Just hooking-up. We've even had that conversation-I always have that conversation cause I don't want men thinking I'm assuming things are a certain way when they're not-and I do not jump into relationships. So I would like to know why it is that these men then decide I am their girlfriend, or that I want more, when I've very clearly stated where I stand. I think people are supposed to date for 6 months or so before even talking about being in a committed relationship cause it takes a long time to get to know someone to see if your values match and if you're compatible. There aren't any lines to read between, so I don't understand why men get something different than what I've actually said.

Too much thinking. I need to get some writing time in, but I'm finding myself too distracted. I'm either thinking about relationships (and my lack of one) or I've got sex on the brain, mostly the latter. It's not conducive to my writing. Unless I want to write erotica, which I don't, cause then I'll be thinking about sex even more. Well, thank god it's a beautiful day out. Maybe getting outside will be enough of a distraction.

I get asked alot what brought me here and why I don't have any pics. An ex-lover showed me this site cause I like looking at women. (I like looking at hot men, too.) And posting nude pics of myself just isn't my thing. (I don't even give my lovers those type of pics.) Obviously, if I wanted to, I would.