1.Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2.Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3.Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4.How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5.I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me
6.I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7.I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8.I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9.I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I figure We Got An Even Deal
10.I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11.I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12.I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13.I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14.I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15.I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16.I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
17.If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18.If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19.Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20.My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Love Rovers
21.My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22.Please Bypass this Heart
23.She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24.You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

* You answer the door before people knock.
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe".
* You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

My best friends little girl recieved a Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas and we are having the hardest time convincing this lil 4 year old that she is not real. Although she does come with a birth certificate and you need to fill out adoption papers.Anyways she sees all her moms friends having showers for thier babies when they are born-and well now she is a new mommy too. So tomorrow beach gets to spend the afternoon at a baby shower..hosted by a four year old...for a doll. This is real..complete with games, gifts and food. I think I have finally passed the entrance exam to the nut house.

1.Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone
2.Man who run in front of car get tired
3.Man who run behind car get exhausted
4.Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day
5.Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
6.Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
7.Man with one chopstick go hungry
8.Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails
9.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
10.Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk
11.Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth
12.War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left
13.Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
14.Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night
15.It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it
16.Man who drives like hell is bound to get there
17.Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
18.Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
19.Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
20.Confucious he say, while toilet chain swing, seat still be warm

Can you crack the code?

X35 P33U
hUJOH 05 W,I
35V37d 3W d73H

Can you crack the code? No?
Read it upside down!!!!!!!!!!
*big smiles*

1.That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong
2.Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3.See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia
4.Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai
5.Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6.Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan
7.I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni
8.I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat
9.It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10.I Thought you were on a diet.................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11.This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12.Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13.Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
14.He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka
15.Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu
16.Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
17.Give it to me baby............................Suk Mai Dong
18.England will win the World Cup...............No Fu Kin Wai
19.Whos been eating all the pies?................Yo Fat Wan Ka

Answers given by contestants on Family Fortunes
1.Name something a blind person might use - A sword
2.Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
3.Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
4.Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
5.Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
6.Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
7.Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
8.Name something that floats in the bath - Water
9.Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
10.Name something Red - My cardigan
11.Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
12.Name a famous royal - Mail
13.A number you have to memorise - 7
14.Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
15.Something you put on walls - Roofs
16.Something in the garden that's green - Shed
17.Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
18.Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
19.Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
20.Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
21.Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
22.Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
23.Something associated with the police - Pigs
24.A sign of the zodiac - April
25.Something slippery - A conman
26.A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
27.A food that can be brown or white - Potato
28.A jacket potato topping - Jam
29.A famous Scotsman - Jock
30.Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
31.Something with a hole in it - Window
32.A non living object with legs - Plant
33.A domestic animal - Leopard
34.A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
35.A way of cooking fish - Cod
36.Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. {Ouch!! mustn't stand so close to the stove...}
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. {Whew... let's just hope that's because of his diet and not because he, ah, 'expired' a few days ago... not nice!! And you think that only happens in Newh Yawk...}
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing

Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

10. No one ever steals your chair.
09. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
08. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
07. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
06. You want to see if it's like the dream.
05. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
04. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
03. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
02. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
01. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" again.