How Cold Is Cold?

60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
1.Chicken McBobbitts
2.Salmon McNella
3.Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
4.Shirley McLean Burger
5.McMenudo
6.Filet o' Gefilte Fish
7.Way Too Happy Meal
8.Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
9.Them Ain't Nuggets!
10.McKitty Sandwich
11.Boutrous Boutrous Burger
12.Rocky Mountain McOysters
13.McSpleen
14.The Depressed Meal
15.Filet O' Flesh
16.McShrooms
17.Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
18.McTonya Club Sandwich
19.Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal

You're no longer cool
You Are No Longer "Cool" When
1.You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2.You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3.The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4.You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5.You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
6.You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
7.You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
8.You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
9.When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
10.When jogging is something you do to your memory.
11.Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
12.All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
13.You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
14.You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
15.You actually ASK for your father's advice.
16.You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
17.When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board

So..do you love or adore me??

Q: How can you tell a head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees!
Q:What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
Apeed bumps.
Q:What is the lightest thing in the world?
A:A penis...even a thought can raise it.
Q:What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A:Erection Sets.
Q:Where do fags park?
An the rear.
Q:What does a female snail say during sex?
A:Faster, faster, faster!
Q:Heard about the blind skunk that tried to a fart?
Q:What is the noisiest thing in the world?
A:Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
Q:What's red and blue with a long string?
A:A smurfette with her period.
Qid you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course?
A:He was playing with too many strokes.
Q:What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A:A pubic hair.
Qefine "Egghead:"
A:What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Q:How can you tell if you have acne?
Af the blind can read your face.

Here's a list of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:

Tommy Lee's
Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's
Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's
Camp Getahoochie

Ellen DeGeneres's
Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Star's
Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's
Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbit's
Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's
Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee's
Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's
Camp Wannabewhitey

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters


Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.


Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.

Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine

Just Cuz beach loves Cowboys =0)


Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up

10. Musical Recliners
09. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
08. Hide and Go Pee
07. Simon Says Something Incoherent
06. Doc, Doc Goose
05. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
04. Kick the Bucket
03. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
02. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
01. Sag, You're It!

I am so sad to say that I could really use a lot of these words in everyday conversations


1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.


2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.


3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.


4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.


5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.


6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.


7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.


8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.


9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.


10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.