Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":

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Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":

"What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."



"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"

"For a beer?"

"No, for stupid questions."
__________________
wishing for an awesome friday !

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow

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All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Cow

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day

When we come into this world
And we hunger for the touch
From the one that brought us life
From the one that gave so much

Innocence will take your hand
And speak through the one thought in your mind

Don't you know that love is all
Love is where we all begin
And when we knock on heaven's door
Only love will let us in

And as we gather to ourselves
A part of everything we see
We realize that what we own
Isn't what we really need

Innocence take my hand
And speak through the one thought in your mind

Don't you know that love is all
Love is all that we must do
It is the reason why we live
Love is all I have for you

True love cannot be broken
Through all the tears of pain
Only one truth survives,
only one truth remains

Don't you know that love is all
Love is all that we must do
It is the reason why we live
Love is all I have for you

a song by air supply
----------------------------------------------------------------

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD

Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip: when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A hangover: the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows: are making headlines.

A book on voyeurism: a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra: was a big flop.

Sea captains: don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Successful diet: the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow: Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip: someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry: life is pointless.

When you dream in color: it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms: should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you: well-red.

When two egotists meet: it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Khakis: What you need to start the car with.

Oboe: An English tramp.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.

Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

and finally,

Marriage: the mourning after the knot before
__________________

O x y m o r o n s for 2007

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1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks







Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment
when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing until Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads,"
someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell
him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me"

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise"

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as

the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly

and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid

slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and

again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,

and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... So sorry," says the waiter, "we got the wrong order, would you mind Peeking Duck??"


laugh well/ love well/ live well

funny legal system

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_ ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty .
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_____________ __ _______________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
___________________________________ ___ ______

And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


happy weekend!!

Advertisements and such
I am assured that these are genuine!

Dogs
Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.
Dog For Sale: Great Dames.
Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.

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From the Kitchen
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children $2.00

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Antiques
For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: Four-posted bed, 101 years old, perfect for antique lover.

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Vacation
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wanted
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time marred girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References required.
Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.
Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

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Services
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Ears pierced - while you wait!
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miscellaneous
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in you home for $1.

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Radio Spots
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and the u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
__________________
happy friday!!! have an awesome weekend!!

Drivers Licence

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A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly."It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

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The Paramedic and The 3 Year Old

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place...... smack his ass again!"

have a great week end!

Why men rarely get published by Dear Abby

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motor cycle next to the garage and then hide beh ind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

love n hugs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! love/ laugh/ live

I saw her once before; she didn't turn me on.
One night she stopped to talk to pass the time.
And then I saw her eyes; her softly smiling glow,
We sat and talked all night at Byblos.
She talked of feelings that I knew were true.
She painted me a picture using ev'ry shade of blue
It was light with laughter, At times it made me cry,
And now I'll never know just why I didn't ever try to hold her;
to squeeze her; to kiss her all night long, I never tried to please her.

Then, soon she had to go;
I sat there all alone
And thought of things she said
The whole day through.
And then I realized,
I never took the time
To find out where she lived
Or where to call.
I thought that I would see
Her the next night,
Anticipating how I'd set myself right.

Then, I went back to Byblos;
I sat there and waited,
Feeling just a little nervous
And a little frustrated.

Then, soon, in she came, looking just the same
Oo, I could hardly wait to take her far from the game.
Then a person came in to the club
that I had to speak to
I explained the situation to her
And i thought she understood
But I guess she thought I was jiving her around
Cause when I looked for her, this is what I found
She was rapping with a real good friend of mine,
He was happening, I guess it was his time.
I really couldn't blame him, cause he was sad and lonely too.
But just talking to her did me so much good, I knew she'd do him good too.
Then I went home and I got it on,
Sat down to write these words when I was finally alone.
And then, about halfway through I wondered if someone knew
where she was, so I could give her a call,
And I found out that she was right down the hall,
Not too far away,
but that's ok, I'll just wait for the day when I can see
her again and spend some time.

this was in the first blog i did here always thought it was a cool song. love/ laugh / live

Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,

and at the appropriate point in the process, told him

That he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured

he would try for the shock effect to bring this to

His wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,

he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

P...

E...

N...

I...

S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer

replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

have an awesome week!