Dilbert's Laws Of Work

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A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
__________________


Thoughts for 2007

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Thoughts for 2007

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you s till can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in a hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut ;saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

All the Best to you!!!

love well!/laugh well!/live well!

Top 10 Things That People In Front Of You In Checkout Lines Say

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1. "Wait! I have a coupon somewhere at the bottom of my purse."

2. "Oh damn! I left my cheque book out in the car."

3. "Isn't that funny? None of the things I picked up had prices on them."

4. "You mean this brand isn't on sale? Ooops! Let me run and get the right kind."

5. "I demand to speak with the manager!"

6. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting to get rid of this sack of pennies."

7. "Hold on...my husband is bringing another cart cart...Where is he?... Hubert?!"

8. "Wait! Let me check that receipt-- all eight feet if it!"

9. "No. No. No. You've bagged these groceries all wrong. Let me show you the right way."

10. "Ooops! This 200-lb. bag of dog food has a hole in it. Here, you sweep the crumbles off the counter and I'll go see if I can carry another bag over

When You're Feeling Stupid, Read This!

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If there is ever a time in this New Year that you feel like you are stupid, read this and you might feel better.....

WHEN YOU'RE FEELING STUPID, READ THIS!


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?


Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"


-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USAcontest .


``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey


````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett,
Universityof Kentuckybasketball forward .

`````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washingtonhas one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.


`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ``

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.


````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


``````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President


And ..


"We are ready for an un foreseen event that
may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP

```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."


-- Dan Quayle

``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca

```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .

````````````````````````````````` < FONT face=Verdana size=2>
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
__________________
love/laugh/live cheers!

Happy ever after endings
I only wanted to dream
Happy ever after endings
I only wanted to dream

Its 12'0' clock and I am solo
The DJ plays my favourite song
My lonely tears the melody cheers
Lift up your heart
Make a brand new start

(Chorus)
I feel the music come alive in me
Heart and mind in symphony explode
I only wanted to dream A dream
Happy ever after endings
Raining down on me
A thousand happy ever after endings
When the music lives in me

When I'm in need of inspiration
I play my song and sing-a-long
Through every year
The jukebox is here
Travelling through time

(Chorus)
I feel the music come alive in me
Heart and mind in symphony explode
I only wanted to dream A dream
Happy ever after endings
Raining down on me
A thousand happy ever after endings
When the music lives in me

Music is the place we meet
Soul or country move your feet
From New York city to London town
Music and friends go hand in hand
Let the music make your life a stage
Act your shoe size not your age
Wish upon your favourite song
Your can sing-a-long

(Chorus)
I feel the music come alive in me
Heart and mind in symphony explode
I only wanted to dream A dream
Happy ever after endings
Raining down on me
A thousand happy ever after endings
When the music lives in me
happy new year !
love/laugh/live

woooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!have an awesome one !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! full of love , smiles and happiness !!! cheers !!!!

wishing everyone the very merriest of christmass' !!!!!!!!!!!! and the most happiest new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever Wonder What Your Pets Are Really Thinking?

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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG' S DAILY DIARY...

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! Kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The garden! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! Kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in moms bed! My favorite!



EXCERPTS FROM A CAT' S DAILY DIARY...

Day 183 of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am xxxxxx to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of " allergies. " Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
__________________

Christmas Tree

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When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven
knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
had hidden the rum, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"




And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree...

__________________
love n hugs love/ laugh/ live

who knew; Facts You Will Wonder How You Lived Without

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In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase....... "goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
----------------------------------------------------
__________________
live / love /laugh

1.Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

2.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

3.After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

4.I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

5.I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

6.No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

7.I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

8."If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

9.Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"



10.Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

11.On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

12.Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

13.I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

14.The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

15.Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

16.My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.

17.Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

18.I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

19.Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

20.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

21.I see your IQ test results were negative.

22.I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

23.Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
__________________
live with intention. walk to the edge.
listen hard. practice wellness.
play with abandon. laugh.
choose with no regret. continue to learn.
appreciate your friends. do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.