Viewing Member - michael1

have an awesome day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

ONE-POINT GAGS

Run one lap around the office at top speed

Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must be in the bathroom at the time)



Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT GAGS

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT GAGS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.
!!!

The Perfect Diet

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I used to have a Labrador retriever, and was once buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh .....what was her first clue?)

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified , she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why I ended up in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have to have CPR to get over his laughing convulsions.

__________________

i hate it when you meet new people and they ask really dumb ?'s. i am always nice with my replies, but every once in awhile there is a part of me that deep down wishes to say something like that. have a great day everyone! i am going to work on adding some pics to my blog as soon as i get a day off .//live well// love well//

Hold on to your spirit
Always feel your soul
Honor the magic
In your heart

Aa family we're part of
Everlasting hope
Bringing the magic
Giving that tender love

Through ups and downs
You've got to
Hold on to your spirit
Always feel that love and
Music's everlasting

Giving of your heart so tender
Warfamily, let's surrender
In our heart and soul
There's joy and laughter

Heart so tender
Love surrender
Our hearts are filled with
Joy and laughter

Rules To Consider

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, some don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
__________________

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless, aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you, it's only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance

It's the one who wont be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong

Just remember, in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love
In the spring, becomes the rose

saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,

I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.

I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,

I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"
__________________

Things We Can Learn From Dogs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Never pass up an opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it is in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they have invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you are not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let
it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I see trees of green, red roses too.
I see them bloom for me and you,
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark say good night,
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by,
I see friends shaking hands, saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, "I love you."

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more, than I'll ever know.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
Oh yeah

i manage a business and i am the training mgr. for a lot of stores i like working with people. in my home store everyone is family . we share meals, we disagree etc., i like to go for walks usually with my pal scooby he is my dog and looks like scooby doo.i play beach volly ball at least once a week.i usally buy a new car every 3 years usually a convetable. this year i bought a 2002 camero. gave up on all the totally new stuff for it. figured i would never have the chance again (they do not make them any more)but it does have a tee top. and i added xm radio .i like to play the card game spades . i believe in people.whenever someone wants to know what i want for christmas or a bithday i always way nothing. lets go do something together. i just am not in to getting gifts or buying things for myself. i shop only when i have too.i am a loyal friend to those who know me.i believe in trust. i am single. i have 3 boys the youngest is 14 they are awesome and a great joy and help to me. i love football and tampabay hockey. i drink ice tea(brewed only), beer, and wine.and one cup of coffee in the morning .. {de caf. coffee is only colored hot water)i do not usually eat desserts unless its strawberys or blueberries over vana. ice cream.. however i am in love with tiramisu.i am of italian/ irish/ and chereekee indian desent. i love people