I wish I could claim this as my own ...

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

South was always after me to go shopping with her.
Then I began wearing my favorite shirt.....
She doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore.

They say the memory is the second thing to go.





I forgot the first.

Four women and their toddler-age children are in a group therapy session. The therapist asks the first woman what her child's name is.

"Her name is Amber."
"Hmm...you have an obsession with riches and luxury. We'll help you overcome that." He turns to the second woman and asks her the same question.
"My daughter's name is Candy."
"You seem to have a preoccupation with food. We can help you with that. And you, what's your daughter's name?"
"Brandy."
"You're focused toward alcohol...we can help with that."
The fourth woman grabs her son by the hand and says "C'mon Dick, let's go."

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'



Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A new young Blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, 'Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'
'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding, dear.'
'No, mother,' the young Blonde woman laments.
'I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.'
'Well, that is being miserly,' the mother agreed,
'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'
The young Blonde woman explained,
'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.'
'Airplane ticket???
What does an airplane ticket have to do with turkey rolls???' asked her mother, confused.
The young Blonde woman quickly responded,
'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said,
'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE'.
So I flew to Alaska!'

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates.

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? '
Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.

'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;
'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars;
Ok, just once, but not here.
Let's go to that dark alley over there .'

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

'Nah', says the Scotsman... 'Costs too much...'

Hello There Nice Person
Did Anyone Ever Tell You,
Just How Special You Are
The Light that You Emit
Might even Light a Star

Did Anyone Ever Tell You
How Important You Make Others Feel
Somebody out here is Smiling
About Love that is so Real

Did Anyone Ever Tell You that
Many Times When They were Sad
Your E-mail made Them Smile a bit
In Fact It made Them Glad

For the Time You Spend Sending Things
And Sharing whatever You Find
There are No Words to Thank You
But Somebody, Thinks You're Fine
Did Anyone Ever Tell You

Just How Much They Like You Well,
My Dearest Friend Today I am Telling You

I believe that without a friend you are missing out on a lot!!!

Have a nice day, and I'm glad we are friends!!!

THIS IS A HAND OF FRIENDSHIP
YOU MUST PASS IT TO AT LEAST 4 FRIENDS!!