A boy goes up to a policeman and cries.
"I've lost my dad."
"O dear,I'm sorry to hear that," says the copper.
"What's he like?"
The boy says.
"Beer and women."

A bloke pulls a stunning girl in a nightclub and persuades her to go home with him.
After they get back to his they start fooling around on the sofa.
"I'm afraid I can't have sex with you,"she says.
"I've never done it before and don't know how."
"Ok," replies the bloke.
"How about a blow job?"
"I'm afraid not,"says the girl.
"I've never done that before either,and it looks way too hard."
"Alright," the guy says.
"What about a hand job? It's easy.
Remember how you used to shake up a bottle of fizzy pop to spray someone with when you were younger?
Just do that."

Sure enough,the girl grabs hold and starts shaking away.
After a few minutes,the man's head bolts backwards and steam starts shooting out of his ears,and he screams,
"Bloody hell,woman!"
"What's wrong?"asks the confused girl.
The bloke cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!"

Steve tells his wife one day,
"I'm going to have a penis reduction operation and have three inches taken off."

"Steve, that's not a reduction!" she laughs.
"That's a sex change!"

David Beckham's football career ends and bored of doing nothing,he goes for a job at a blacksmith's.
"Have you ever shoed a horse?" asks the blacksmith in the interview.
"No," says Becks,
"but I did once tell a donkey to fuck off. Does that count?"

Mary is chatting to her friend Gloria and says to her, "I see your man has bought you a lovely bunch of flowers."
"Yeah," replies Gloria.
"That's me on my back with open legs all night!"
"Oh," says Mary.

"Don't you have a vase?"

Did you hear about the morning after pill just for men?



It changes the guy's blood type.

I've just broken up with this cross-eyed girl.


I thought she was seeing someone else.

How many shop assistants does it take to change a light bulb?


One, but they'll only change it if you've kept the receipt.

I was born just after the war and we were so poor our clothes came from the Army and Navy Stores.


Once went to school dressed as a Japanese admiral.

The first tv advert for the morning-after pill was shown on tv.

It's just a clip of the Teletubbies and a voice saying


"If you don't want to watch this shit -- take the pill"