because its to hard to spell
ohmyfreakkinglordyesputitindeeperdeeperpleaseuhavetoohmygodcumplease

The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

This says it all ............
School 1969 vs. School 2009
Many a true word is spoken in jest but.......

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after
school.

1969 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake
hands and end up mates.

2009 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives
and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence.
They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it.
Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts
other students.

1969 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin.
Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car
and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1969 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up
normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy
is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1969 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to
playing.

2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and
loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.



For those of us that can remember this seems sort of about right!

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch........
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But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

Sometimes...

when you cry...

no one sees your tears

Sometimes...

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt

Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress

Sometimes...

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile .


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But FART!!just ONE time...

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in the
area around Natchitoches (pronounced Nack-a-dish) and sent their famous detective, Boudreaux, to investigate.

Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dem rooster fights in person.
I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in one of the fights."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

I believe in good pitch preparation... the games just not on, till the pitch is properly manicured...
Now whether its slightly grassed or is grassless is purely up to the ground keeper... but none the less the game continues... regardless of the opposing teams "believed" best pitch conditions

Now that said, much speculation can be brought up on the pitch conditions, but this is best brought up after the completion of initial game (assuming this is to be a series) and once all the analysis is complete... like
Was it a good pitch? (ps guys the answer is always, always YESS!!!!)
Did it hinder the game?
Did it help the game?
Would it have been a better game with different pitch conditions?
Is it really anything to do with the game?
Were the drinks break regular enough?(ooops that slipped in)


A couple of points for the uninitiated? NEVER discuss the following

Do not talk about other pitches u have played on! ...unless brought up by current groundkeeper

Do not threaten to find a pitch else where! ....unless brought up by the ground keeper, and is mutually agreed that a tri-nations game is in order and another pitch should be sought for inclusion.

Do not discuss that you don't need a pitch to play and u like batting teams too! ... unless brought up by the ground keeper and is mutually agreed that a tri-nations game is in order and another batting team should be sought for inclusion



Now the ground keeper as the final arbiter in this debate can take on all or none of the comments and ideas and either regard or disregard any or all for future pitch preparation...(and extra team inclusions ... )... full stop!!!

The away team can either choose quite happily, that its all about the game, and it IS the important feature here... regardless of pitch condition.... and play on...

or take his or her "bat and ball(s)" and go home (this is a forfiet of all rights to play in the future, so be careful when adopting this manoeuvre...its most undoubtbly be the last chance at this pitch)

Remember it's totally up to the grounds keepers discretion.... and continued harassment and comment from the visiting team MAY lead to a arbitory cessation of the series regardless....

The ground keeper is king (queen!!!) in all matters of the grassing levels, playing condtions and playing teams


PS The author NEVER advises the use of the heavy roller.....

by inexperienced hands anyway? lol
A little more on the age of the pitch... because this really determines the games interest.

Sure a first day or fresh pitch is good to bounce it in hard at a good line and length, and sure a six or two may be scored, but more often it’s the domain of scoring a few singles and then being sent back to the pavilion early. This is especially so for new and inexperienced batters as their eagerness and need to rush with rash shots makes this a regular and common occurrence, no more so than at their initial times at the crease...

fresh or new pitches are best opened in the hands of the experienced and more senior players... where their knowledge will help them stay at the crease much longer and hence provide much more entertainment and challenge for all

However its on the older pitch where your mettle is proved as the grind of a well delivered attack including a mixture of pace and turning deliveries will pay dividends in providing wide range of strokes being played... and in the end its a great satisfying game for the fans!!

regardless of the pitch if all players leave knowing the game and the players were the winners... then there’s nothing better


(ps...I will not mention or explain, stumping, sticky wickets, in the block hole, swing, seam upright, field positions and placement, helmets, pads, protection, the box, in the deep, into the gap, slips, Stroke, no ball, wide, point or many other terms at this stage, they are game related and what’s on the field stays on the field... thank you

A woman decides to have a for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'