Six dwarves were feeling happy one morning.
Then Happy got out of bed,
and left the other five feeling grumpy.
Grumpy was unsurprisingly feeling bashful.
Snow White's allergies were playing up again,
and she was feeling dopey,
sleepy and sneezy all at once.
Then Bugs Bunny looked in the window and was positively astounded to see what's up Doc.

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race,
and it won again.

The local newspaper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day,
the local newspaper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop,
so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper,
hearing of the news,
posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop,
so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is:

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.
One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot:

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders,
all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her,
let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks,
and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves,
which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week,
the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope -
containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank,
the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this." Said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied.
"Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike.
We're building a big house."

"My goodness gracious.
" Said the cashier. "
And will you be working on the house again next week?"

The child thought for a moment.
Then she said seriously:

"I think so.
Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time."

Having a chat with a bloke over a pint in my local last night.
I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications,
but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.
He knew he was never going to make it in an office job,
so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up,
he then sold it for profit.
He then used the money to buy another and so on.
He did this a lot over the next 35 years,
buying,
repairing,
selling,
buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the real bad times he plugged away.
He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade,
sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £4 million.

Private Number shows up on my phone;
Man on the phone;
Hello, (in an Jamaican voice) this is the Social Security Office, how are you Ms. South?
Me; Raheem? Raheem, is that you?
Thank goodness!
It took you long enough to get back to me,
So what did they say about me claiming my husband's disability,
especially since I was the one that killed him?
Man on the phone; You killed your husband?
Me; Yes Raheem,
I told you that the last time we spoke and don't worry they will never find his body,
I buried him in the pigpen and you know those things will eat right down to the teeth.
So what did they say?
Man on the phone;
*Clears his throat* Ma'am,
this is the social security office and I am calling to inform you that a warrant has been issued for your arrest and....
Me; A warrant?-
You turned me in?
How could you do that, Raheem?
I trusted you.
We were supposed to run away together,
it's your fault he's dead and I will tell them that you put me up to it!
I swear I will tell them EVERYTHING!
Man on the phone;
Ms South, you have the wrong number I just...
Me; How can I have the wrong number,
Raheem, you called me.
You set me up, didn't you?
You thought you would get me sent away and claim all that money for yourself,
but you remember this,Raheem...
I know where you live and I didn't have no trouble killing my husband of 20 years and I certainly won't have trouble killing a man I have only known for 6 months.
What do you think about that?
Man on the phone; *Click*

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.

He notices,
however,
that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,
it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says,
"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery,
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the 'R' !
We missed the 'R' !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot,
"What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice,
the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
CELEBRATE !"

Mary Poppins was traveling home,
but due to worsening weather,
she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night:

"Certainly madam." He replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" Inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no." Came the reply.
"But room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please." Said Mary.

"Certainly madam." He replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" Asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case,
I would love a couple of poached eggs please." Mary mused.
After confirming the order,
Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you." Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional,
I don't think I have had better.
Shame about the eggs though they really weren't that nice at all."
Replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." Said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary...
.who checked out,
then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

wait for it

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

Been mooching about today,
saw the wife's wrinkle cream,
thought to myself my willy looks a bit wrinkly!
Lets give it a go then see how we get on,
so i spent 5 mins like it instructs on the package,
gently rubbing it into the affected areas as instructed by packet.
The results im pretty impressed,
its done what it said it would,
all the wrinkles have gone,
but i have a raging hardon that just wont go away.

I went to the petrol station to get petrol and some milk with south,
and as I walked into the shop part,
I noticed these 2 policemen that were watching a woman smoking while putting in her petrol.
thinking why don't they tell her to put it out or stop her?
I thought ,
is this lady stupid?
crazy or both?
especially with the police standing RIGHT there.
Anyway, I minded my own business and went in to get the milk told the cashier and thought get out of here ASAP before the whole area blows up.
As I was paying I heard someone screaming! Omg,
I’m talking violent death screams!
I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire!
She was swinging her arm,
running around going nuts!
I ran out the door, the police had the woman on the ground putting the fire out.
Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car..
I was thinking, arrested?
Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance,
not a police car?
Being the nosey person I am,
I asked the police what they were arresting her for and the guy looked at me,
dead serious and said,

"WAVING A FIRE ARM IN PUBLIC!"

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said,
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself,
make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember --
you're in this together.
It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this
information.

After a few moments a man,
name unknown,
at the back of the
room,
slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?"
said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.