The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone..'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin,
Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day,
Made love to her all night,
Made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ?
OH, come on... Take a guess.
Think about it.
You're going to love this.
Everyone knows..
You can't kill Two Birds
With
OneStone !

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas,
playing in the mud,
with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open,
as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry,
he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over,
and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,
and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen,
dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on the counter,
the fridge door was open wide,
dog food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table,
and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs,
stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife.
He was worried she might be ill,
or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels,
scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom,
he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas,
reading a novel.
She looked up at him,
smiled,
and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered,
“You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,”
was his incredulous reply.
She answered,
“Well, today I didn’t do it."

A local business was looking for office help,
so they put a sign in their window saying "HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward,
a dog trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign,
looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea,
the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined,
so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said,
"I can't hire you.
The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down,
went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him,
then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned,
but he told the dog,
"The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs,
producing a sample spreadsheet and database and presenting them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded.

He looked at the dog and said,
"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities,
however I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said,
"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Meow."

CAN ADMINS DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER,
AN ELDERLY WOMAN.
SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE,
SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES.
SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOUR'S.
I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6
AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT.
IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to heaven.....
which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said,
"I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied,
"Because when you pray,
you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
"Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie,
why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said
,"Well I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mummy had her legs straight up in the air,
and she was saying,
"OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down,
we'd have lost her!"

THE NUN FAINTED!

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic.
It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet,
when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down,
flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio:
"Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it?
Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back,
accelerates,
breaks through the sound barrier,
rises rapidly to a dizzying height,
only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.
He loops back next to the Airbus and asks,
"Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers:
"Very impressive,
but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus,
but nothing happens.
It continues to fly stubbornly straight,
with the same speed.
After five minutes,
the Airbus pilot radioed,
"Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused:
"What did you do?"
The other laughs and says,
"I got up, stretched my legs,
went to the back of the flight to the bathroom,
got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel,
which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.
But as you get older and wiser,
comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach!

A girl walked into a supermarket and on her way around,
she saw the guy with whom she’d had sex the previous evening,
after they’d met in a pub.

He was stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.

So, she walked over to him and yelled,
“You lying sod!
Last night,
you told me that you were a stunt pilot,
that was part of the reason I was attracted and slept with you!”

“That is certainly not what I told you”, he replied.

“I said I was a member of the Ariel Display Team.”

Hate it when people use their mobile on the train and talk loudly,
don't want to know.
Here's how to fix it!!!
Last Friday,
after a tiring week in the office,
a lady commuter on the evening train settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train pulled out of the station,
the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile and started talking in an overly-loud voice:
"Hi darlin’, ..
it's Eric….
I'm on the train…
yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty,
but I had a VERY long long meeting and no sweetheart,
it didn’t involve that blonde from accounts.
It was with our grumpy old boss. . .
anyway,
you know very well that you are the only one in my life. . .
Yes, I'm sure …
very sure …
cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes passed and he was still talking VERY loudly into his phone...
But by now the young lady next to him was thoroughly pissed off,
she'd had enough,
so she leaned over and said seductively into the phone,
"Oh there you are Eric…
hang up the phone big boy and come back to bed!".

Eric no longer uses his mobile in public anymore!

Mrs Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal,
his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts,
Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later,
Maria came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you
"do" sleep with Maria,
and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama

Moral:

Never Bulla Shita you Mama.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.
” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m.,a bit loaded,
I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
I told him “MIDNIGHT”…
he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked him why, he said,
“Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times,
giggled,
cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.