Right then here goes...
RANT ALERT!
Triggered by adverts and TV chefs.
Christmas Dinner....
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts and supermarkets....
It's a Sunday dinner for f***s sake!
We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes...

1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all,
20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un!
Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked!

2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs,pine nuts and a shit load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!
If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking .

3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one aswell....
Bisto Jamie....
All you need is Bisto!
I (nor any other person I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables,
adding stock and flour,
cooking it for another half hour,
mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.

4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable...
If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!
If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough!

5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same.

6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl.

7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately,
if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter.
Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!
Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.
And Finally.....

NO ONE....
And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!

Rant over.

Advice needed:

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house.
Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic...
So I tried that last night,
but their constant crying and whining kept me awake.
All the
“I’m afraid of the dark” or
“I don't like it up here -
there are spiders”
really got on my nerves.

Any other suggestions?

During lunch at work,
I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).
When I got home,
my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold,
the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable,
so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity,
shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud,
but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg,
I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom,
so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point,
he removed the blindfold,
and twelve dinner guests seated around the table,
with their hands to their noses, chorused,

"Happy Birthday!"

At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said,
"It's a Muscat,
three Years old,
grown on a north slope,
matured in steel containers".
Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct" said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet,
eight years old,
a south-western slope,
oak barrels,
matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne,
high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde,
26 years old,
three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job,
I'll name the father."

These are the 10 First Place winners in the International Pun Contest. Enjoy!

1. A vulture boards an airplane,
carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says,
"I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says:
"Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft.
Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says
"Are you sure?"
The first replies
"Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal:transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?"
they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said,
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God,
a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not.
So,the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
a thug in town to "persuade"them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that:
Only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

10. And finally,
there was the person who sent ten different
puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

NOTICE OF MY INTENTION TO LEAVE THE GROUP.

It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this group,
but I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and purile remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Okay...
So I like dressing-up in ladies clothes.
So what?
And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people...
but I have particular penchant for cucumbers.
Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences,
which I know might seem strange to some people,
but group sex with dwarfs, midgets,
and pygmies is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter...
And the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained
that running naked through our local park wearing my wife’s underwear on my head and brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...

Oh shit! Wrong group!

Please ignore all of the above...

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan,
and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately,
she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem,
& told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts,
which should cause them to shrink in size,
but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons,
because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university.
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education.
You do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it.
As a gesture of appreciation,
please each put £1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened.
His sons became a doctor,
a lawyer,
and a financial planner,
each very successful financially.
When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin,
they remembered his wish.
First,
it was the doctor who put £1000 onto the chest of the deceased.
Then,
came the financial planner, who also placed £1,000 there.
Finally,
it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.
He dipped into his pocket,
took out his cheque book,
wrote a cheque for £3,000,
put it into his father's coffin,
and took the £2,000 cash.
He later went on to become a politician.

For all parents - particularly those who have (or have had) teenagers!

GCSE: Cross-curricular studies for teenagers

Time allowed: 1 hour 45 minutes

Please show your workings.

Mathematics

1. Three people live in a house.
All of those people are over the age of 14.
Please explain, with the aid of diagrams,
only one of mum or dad can take the rubbish out.

2. Josh has started an apprenticeship earning £140 per week.
His mobile phone bill this month was £385.
How much pay will he have left over?

a) All of it, WTF should he pay his own bill?

b) None of it, he has spent it all on a tattoo

3. Jane wears a clean shirt to school every day.
Jane has six shirts.
Explain using Bayes Theorem and taking into account microbiological cross-contamination how likely it is that any given shirt on the floor on Thursday morning will be clean enough to wear to school.

English language and creative writing

4. “I was like going to the shopping mall and met like Lucy, Dan and like two other people from like school.
We went to like Hollisters to get some like T-shirts for Dan and then went to like Primark cos Becky like needs a bikini for her holiday in like Benidorm.
We were like starving so we went to like McDonald's to get like some food and met up with like more people from school.
We all had like burgers and like chips and some of us had like a drink but some of us didn't have like enough money."

Explain the exact meaning and usage of the word 'like' in the above passage.

Combined Science

5. Explain, using the periodic table, why WKD will make you puke.

6. Explain the physics behind the phrase "It's just gone".
You may use any of the following objects to illustrate your theory:
an outdoor coat, one rugby boot, school tie, art coursework.

Technology and Computer Science

7. Explain how you will circumvent the broadband security your moderately techy parents have set up.
Use diagrams if necessary.

8. You have been invited to sleep over at Harvey's house.
Your parents wish to communicate with Harvey's parents about this.

(i) Explore and explain the circumstances under which the following items of modern technology would be simultaneously broken in order to prevent this communication from taking place:

a) the telephone - you should include reference to both landline and mobile.

b) email or any other internet-based communication system.

c) carrier pigeon.

(ii) Calculate the probability that, in a relatively small village, your parents already know that Harvey's parents have gone away for the weekend.

Critical Thinking

9. Explain what happens when you use the last of the toilet roll.

a) I put another full roll on the holder.

b) I stuff the full roll behind the back of the holder.

c) I'm going to Nando’s with Becky

Economics

10. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be switched on and remain on?

a) Those in the room you're in.

b) Those in the room you are about to enter.

c) All of the lights including the fridge light as,
though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut,
you can't quite shut the fridge door properly.

Philosophy

11. It's soooo unfair - discuss.

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY.....
Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said,
'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another.
It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building,
next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in -
he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it,
and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way,
she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.