A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 50 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please do not be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

Your Husband


When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 50
years old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 50 years old.

As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 50 a lot more times than 50 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Your Wife

Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"
" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom -He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"Because he was wrecking my fucking house"

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it

What I have learned as I have matured
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

The person in question, a woman in a Porsche, as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.

When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball."

He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have Balls."

There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"

The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"

"She's standing here next to me."

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"

The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.






It's already tomorrow in Australia"

A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness, that's good. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a very serious pile-up on the motorway. But you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, you'll do everything as before, but something did happen. Look, I'm trying to break this to you as gently as possible, you see, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

Of course the bloke cries out, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright. We have the technology now to build you a new one that will work just as well as your old one did - better in fact. But the thing is, this operation doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher now, well, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's very important that she plays a role

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have" says the fellow.

"And did she help you in making the decision?"

"Yes she did" says the bloke.

And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're having a new kitchen." the bloke replies!