A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your son, John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true . I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card... Like the one that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."
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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger.
But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life.
Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

lizard is walking through the jungle and sees a monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. So the lizard yells to the monkey "Hey, what you doing up there?"

So the monkey yells down, "Smoking some weed, why don't you climb up here and join me?" So the lizard climbs up the tree, sets himself next to the monkey and they start passing the joint between them.

An hour goes by and they have smoked many joints and the lizard starts getting thirsty so he tells the monkey he is going to the river to get a drink. The lizard gets to the river, leans over the riverbank but is so xxxxxx he loses his balance and falls in. So he is floating down the river and an alligator sees him and pulls him up on shore.

The alligator asks "Why were you floating down the river?" So the lizard tells him how he and the monkey were getting xxxxxx and he went for water and fell in, so the alligator being curious went up the river to check this out. So the alligator gets to the tree where the monkey is still smoking a joint and yells "Hey Monkey, what's going on?"

The monkey looks down at the alligator and replies "Holy shit dude, how much water did you drink?"

If you want someone...
If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbours, get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand...
If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy...

Get a CAT!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special'
Cabbie: 'There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake'
Passenger. 'Mmm, there's not many like him around.'
Cabbie: 'And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank.'
Passenger: 'Then how do you know so much about him?'

Cabbie: 'I married his fucking widow

A women is cleaning the public toilets and finds a drawing of a penis on the wall, so she rubs if off.

The next day she she goes in and there is another drawing of a larger penis on the wall, so she rubs it off.

The following day she goes in and there is another drawing of a penis, but this takes up most of the wall and underneath is written.

Don't you know the more you rub the bigger it gets.