This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

A man knocks on this woman's front door. When the woman answers the man says...

Man: "Ma'am, I'm sorry but I just hit your cat."
Woman: "Oh, I don't think it was my cat. She hardly ever gets out of the house."
Man: "No, I'm sure it was your cat. She came running out of your yard."
Woman: "I really doubt it was her. What did she look like?"
Man: "Well, she's pretty flat and runny."
Woman: "NO, what did she look like before you hit her?"
Man: "Oh, well............surprised."

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

So, Eve, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," Eve replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now let's see............where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
She went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho".
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up

Make her happy.
(note the full stop)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
xpects--

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am
just as the truck pulls away.................................. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................ +1
You leave dishes in the sink..................................... -1
You leave them under the bed..................................... -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings.................................................... +5
But return with beer............................................. -5
You leave the toilet seat up..................................... -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................ 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to
the next bathroom............................................. -2
You make the bed................................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night........................ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................ 0
check out a suspicious noise and it's something.............. +5
You pummel it with a six iron.................................... +10
It's her father.................................................. -10


Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party............................ 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy........................................ -2
Named Tiffany.................................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer.............................................. -6
Tiffany has implants............................................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump........................................ -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"......................................... +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy
in bed"....................................................... -6
That woman is her sister......................................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it................................ 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18


Things Of A Disgusting Nature
-----------------------------
You unclog a stopped-up toilet................................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit............................. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent..................................... +8
remove the collie from the thresher.............................. +12
You take her mother to see Cats.................................. +16


Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together...................................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car.................................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar............................................... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.. +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............ +3
Most of it chips and beer........................................ -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors........................................ +16
Or rewiring the basement......................................... +17
Or adding a second floor......................................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..... -6
And you're tickled pink about it................................. -15
You visit her parents............................................ +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation............. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television....... -3
And the television is off........................................ -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear..................................................... -6
And you didn't even go to college................................ -10
And it's not your underwear...................................... -15


Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner........................................ 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team...................... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing....................................................... +4
And you stink..................................................... +2
And you're not half bad........................................... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause............................................... -2
You give her a gift............................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10
With her credit card.............................................. -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40


Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely................................ -10
You forget your anniversary....................................... -20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50


A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal................................................. -5
And the pal is happily married.................................... -4
Or frighteningly single........................................... -7
And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15
You have a few beers.............................................. -9
And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12
You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30
And not wearing any pants......................................... -40
Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200


Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends..................................................... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late.......................................................... +10
You wait up...................................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom....................... +25
Which you clean up................................................ +35


A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together............................................. 0
You rent a movie.................................................. +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2


A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie........................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)... +6
You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs...................................................... -15


Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25


Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5


Grooming
--------
You trim your nails............................................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15
You shave on the weekends......................................... +2
You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8
But then, neither does she........................................ +8


Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5
Something she can't use........................................... -10
Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20
And your kid needs braces......................................... -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120


Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal.................................................. -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt................. -60


The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding........................................ -10
You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble
something like, "I Love You, honey..."


Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression............................ 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10

Hi Everyone

A friend of mine is selling throws again this year for Christmas. You know what they are, the thingy that you throw over your bed to keep you warm. I only have the one attached sample to show you now. I may have already solicited a few of you so if this is a repeat request, I apologize.

They are £63.00 each ---- I know it sounds expensive, but they are really good quality. I am getting 3 --- one for my bed and two for my sofas.

Have a look, and let me know if you are interested. Orders are due by this weekend!

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural T exas saw a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Texan". The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring. There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.
Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan". He can't believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.
Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the old Texan, "but I have to know something. You're older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," says the old cowboy, "my eyes ain't what they used to be."

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said.

College Station Texas
Associated Press Wire Service

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and beat him to death.