Why crows die on roads:
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows,
and to everyone's relief,
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries,
while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: --- when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",

not a single one could shout "Lorry.

Beer Drinking Rules

You are officially cut-off if you break any of these rules. There are no exceptions!!

Rule 1001 - No Spillage
Spilling any amount of beer will get you cut off and thrown out! You better come up with one hell of an excuse to get out of this one...especially if it's my homebrew!!

Rule 1002 - No Dual Openers
Anyone accidentally opening another beer, before finishing their current beer, is cut off.

Rule 1003 - No Warm Brew
Bringing warm (non-refrigerated) beer just pisses people off!!

Rule 1004 - No Pretenders
You either can or can't handle your beer -- 'nuff said.

Rule 1005 - No Freeloading
You may show up once without bringing your own supply. After that, you are cut off!

Rule 1006 - No Quitters
My favorite rule...if you pour it, you drink it!! People who leave half full bottles or pints of beer for me to clean up the next day should be shot, hung, stabbed, and then tortured!

Rule 1007 - No Ghosting
Forgetting where you left your beer is only forgiven if you don't break the "5 second rule." Remember where it is in 5 seconds or less and you may continue to indulge.

Rule 1008 - No Illegal Dumping
You know the type - this is the person who takes so long to finish their beer that it has become warm and flat. They try to sneak over to a bush or a sink and dump it out so they can go get a fresh refill. Please refer to Rule 1006.

Rule 1009 - No Hyper-Pumpers
Take it easy on the keg, you only need to pump it once or twice while the tap is OPEN...get it?

Rule 1010 - No Carousing
Under no circumstances may you hit on your buddy's spouse, UNLESS your buddy says it's okay!

Rule 1011 - No Mine Sweeping
There is no excuse for losing track of your beer and grabbing the closest beer as if it were yours...get your own!

Rule 1012 - No Ahh Shits
An ahh shit is what most of us say when we open the freezer and discover that we left the beer in there too long! We've all done it, but three "Ahh Shits" and you're outta here!

Rule 1013 - No Butting
Accidentally or purposely dropping a cigarette butt into an otherwise good beer will get you thrown out and chastised until the end of time!

Rule 1014 - No Bring and Switch
If you bring it, you drink it. Don't bring in some cheap-ass, knock off, $4.85 a case beer, and drink the other good beer in the house first.


Rule 1015 - No Slamming Good Beer
No slamming of quality ales or lagers! Good beer is ment to be enjoyed. You may however slam a Bud or a Coors (first beer only ) just to get the taste of the day out of your system. Then enjoy a real beer.

50 INTERESTING BUT PROBABLY UNTRUE FACTS


1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
8. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
9. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
11. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
12. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
13. There are only 4 words in the English language which end in dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
14. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
15. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
16. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
17. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
18. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
19. The characters Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
20. A dragonfly has a life span of 1.6 months
21. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
22. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
23. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
24. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
25. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
26. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
27. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
28. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
29. A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
30. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
31. Elvis had a twin brother named Aaron, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron: in honour of his brother. It is also misspelled on his tomb stone.
32. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
33. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
34. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
35. Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."
36. Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.
37. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
38. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
39. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
40. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
41. The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
42. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
43. The word race car and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
44. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
46. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
47. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
49. No president of the United States was an only child.
50. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

ETERNAL TRUTHS


1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.

7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8. If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.

9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

10.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

11.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

13.Some days are a total waste of makeup.

14.Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

16.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

17.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

18.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

19.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21.Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds,acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of Thames in London .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same ...as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the Thames near the parking lot by Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm... how do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them, and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

After 3 years to the day of not taking any new photos,we took some today.
Expect lots of new one's over the next few months.

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house!!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathised the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."

Then the mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital.

She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are ALL at risk.

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!
It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver,
which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand!
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car,
using my knees against the steering wheel,
it knocked my mobile from my ear,
which fell into the coffee between my legs,
causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS. Causing me to scream,
which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth,
ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!