Someone asked me, "...And now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied,
"Yes - I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said
"I beg your pardon, but what exactly do you mean by that?"

"Very simple.
My wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."

What Pisses me off.........

ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

THREE
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

FOUR
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

FIVE
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

SIX
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

SEVEN
When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

EIGHT
When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

TEN
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears,

ELEVEN
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

THIRTEEN
McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcfuckin McTosser.

FOURTEEN
When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off

FIFTEEN
When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper I'll pay you back.' It's one fucking piece of paper you fucking retards i don't want it back

SIXTEEN
When lazy people abbreviate 'fucking' as 'fuckin'. Why?

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,
parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer,
men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before,
often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every man you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you,
just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

A MOTORCYCLE POLICE OFFICER STOPS A DRIVER FOR SHOOTING THROUGH A RED
LIGHT.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding
toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's
ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the
lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy
points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.

THE OFFICER SAYS,

"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving
record with a high number
of points and is in danger of losing his licence, SO HE HIRED A BIG GUN
LAWYER TO REPRESENT HIM.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red
light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

OFFICER RESPONDS, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top."

LAWYER: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH"
underlined."

"WHAT DOES THE "AH" STAND FOR, OFFICER?"

"AGGRESSIVE AND HOSTILE, SIR."

"AGGRESSIVE AND HOSTILE?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

WELL, SIR, YOU KNOW YOUR CLIENT BETTER THAN I DO.

HOW OFTEN CAN ONE GET AN ATTORNEY TO CONVICT HIS OWN CLIENT

Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent.
So they decide the men will sleep in one tent,
and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says,
"Bob, look at this fucking hard-on I’ve got.
It must be all the fresh air.
I’m going over to see my wife."
Bob says,
"You want me to come with you?"
John says,
"Why the fuck would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says,
"Because that’s my cock your holding."

HOW DID THE 7 DWARFS GET THEIR NAMES?
Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.
She"d almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she"d just removed her pants,
When seven dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command,
My fanny needs a lick!
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said -You"d better drop your pick.
So down he went onto all fours,
And said -I ain"t licking that-,
Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!-
The next dwarf started blushing,
Do we have to do it here?-
Snow White said -Don"t be BASHFUL,
Unless you"re a fucking queer-
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big -Heigh-Ho-.
As she rode upon his tool.
Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.
Relax- you GRUMPY bastard-,
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.
The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarfs left,
she turned and said,
You"re next, I want your knob!-
But no sooner had he entered her,
he was sleeping on the job.
Wake up you SLEEPY bastard-
She wanted more from him.
he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
That should be against the law.-He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
No wonder you"re so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick-
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said -You"ll have to use your tongue,
My twat can"t take no more!-
So he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And "cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.
So there"s the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

Just noticed we now have our ten year shield now.

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES



Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one...

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

Well thats the annual telling off from the docs over with.
BP down and lots of other stuff down aswell,
lost some weight since last time.
Been told to drink lots more fluids,
something called water,
think its a mixer for whiskey.

More from today at the doc's.

Doc. You need to drink more fluid and have more fruit.
Me. Does cider count as its both?
Doc. No,but nice try.

No sex after surgery . . .


A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital,
saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.



A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.

All we did was correct his eyesight."