Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor,
"I'm constipated." he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his arse with a baseball bat.
A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says,
"Stop wiping your arse with cement bags

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse,
and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job,
a flat tire made him lose an hour of work,
his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.

While I drove him home,
he sat in stony silence.
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family.
As we walked toward the front door,
he paused briefly at a small tree,
touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car.
We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me.
I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

'Oh, that's my trouble tree,' he replied
'I know I can't help having troubles on the job,
but one thing's for sure,
those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children.
So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.
Then in the morning I pick them up again.'
'Funny thing is,' he smiled,
' when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up,
there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.

THIS ONE IS WORTH SENDING ON.

Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here we might as well dance.
We all need a Tree!

"You've been a very naughty girl, and I'm waiting for you to come home!" I texted my wife.

She texted back "Do I need to be punished "

"Yes severely", I answered.

"Just so you know, I'm not wearing any knickers right now " she replied.

"What has that got to do with you finishing all the beers?"

I just bought my daughter an ipad,
my son an ipod,
myself an iphone...
And the wife iRon.
She wasn't impressed
even after I explained it can be integrated with iwash,
icook and iclean network.
This sadly triggered the iNag service,
which in turn wiped out the iShag function!

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the xxxxx out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Mad Cow Disease
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):" Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow
twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was
playing with your boobs twice a day and only having sex once a year,
wouldn't you get mad?"

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said.
"You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said.
"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

I see there is a new shield for founding members,when did this start?

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
“Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says,
“Give me two hundred baby chickens.”
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns.
This time he says,
“Give me five-hundred baby chickens.”
“Wow! The co-op man replies
“You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh.
“I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

The old Indian chief called for the two bravest warriors in the tribe.

"Running Buffalo, Falling Rocks, you go and seek buffalo skins. Whichever of you returns with the most skins will become my right hand man and will be the next chief."

A month later, Running Buffalo came back with nearly a hundred pelts.

Sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.

The tribe organized a search and looked everywhere, but they couldn't find the missing brave anywhere.

Today, as you drive through the West, you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this lost warrior. Throughout the highways, on interstates and side roads, you can still see their signs that say, 'Watch for Falling Rocks.'"