A man who owns a pharmacy showed up at work one day around noon.
He saw a man leaning against the wall outside with a grimace on his face.
The owner asked his assistant manager who the guy outside was.
The assistant said, "He came in looking for cough medicine.
I could not find any, so I gave him a bottle of laxative and told him to drink it all."
The manager said, "You can't cure a cough with laxative!"
The assistant replied, "Sure you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft,wonderful and larger than a "real one".
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone

A burglar breaks into a house and as he is tiptoeing
across the living room he hears "Jesus is watching you".

He looks around but sees nothing in the dark, so he
carries on across the room and again he hears "Jesus is watching you".

He still can't see anything and heads for the TV and video.

At this point a car comes around the and the headlights light
up the room and he hears "Jesus is still watching you".

He looks quickly around the room and sees a parrot on
a perch in the corner of the room. Laughing he walks
over to the parrot and asks the parrot what it's name is.

The parrot replies "Cuthbert"

"Cuthbert which sad bastard gave you a stupid name
like that" asks the burglar

"The same one that named the rottweiler behind you Jesus"

There's a new study out about women.
I thought these results were pretty interesting and think you will too.
85% of women think their ass is too big.......
10% of women think their ass is too little......






The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director to his face."
"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just have to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

PUBLIC SERVICE EXAM
Hello. Welcome to this year's public service entrance exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work; flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work; plus free use of government stationery - this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to Parliament - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test and ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test.

MATHEMATICS:

Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your answer sheet.

1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm how long have you had for lunch?

- The answer of course, half an hour.

For those of you who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying:

a. Can I help you, madam?
b. Can I help you, miss?
c. What can I do you for, mate?
d. How's tricks, doll-face?

- The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all.

2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say:

a. We are looking into the matter
b. Can I get back to you on this one?
c. The matters have been referred to another committee
d. I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension.

SPELLING:

Spell the following words:
a. Tea
b. Sickie
c. Lunchbreak
d. Go-slow

This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

Signs and Slogans:

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"

"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman. "Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.

"How's that going to help?" she asks "I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"