Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created, corrected:
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. (Who in their right mind would take directions from a person that has to turn a map around to read it? & Remember Eve was the only one there in the garden to ask)
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. (Because she put it away somewhere that was obvious only to her. She calls it tidying up)
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. (Only a woman would like spending all day in a shopping centre/mall looking at fig leaves that all look the same anyway)
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. (She will always make that appointment to coincide with an important event: Football, tennis, racing etc. Female’s are like that!!)
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out. (Everyone knows you put the garbage out in the morning just before collection, so as not to make the street look untidy the night before)
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. (Men are jealous of Women having all the pain and the gain. Remember there’s “No gain without pain”
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. (Oh yes he would, men are proud of their tools. They would not put the tools away in a corner never to be found again)
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. (He only hid AFTER Eve’s arrival in the garden, before that he had no guilt or troubles)
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! (The bible got it wrong. Adam only found out what a headache was, because Eve was constantly telling him she had one)
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!" (He failed. Men were created in Gods likeness. Jesus said “see me and you see my father”

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do.
Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next summer. A year goes by.....
When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

A few views of the big hill.
Offer still stands to take you for a spin on the bike round it if you ever come this way. north lad steve

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL GROUNDS

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf.
23. Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be penalised.
24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.
25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.
26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of the game. You shouldn't bring him off too soon.
27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch.

There was once a wrestler who toured Scottland. His name was Ivan the Terrible, he was known for 2 terrible holds; #1 'The half pretzel' where he broke your back and #2 'The full Pretzel' where he broke your back and killed you.

One day he went to a pub and the promoter was offering $1000 pounds to any man who would face Ivan. No man would, until finally Wee William stepped up to the mark. As the fight began Ivan moved in fast and all anyone could see was an ugly tangle of limbs. Then there came a horrilble 'CRACK' and all gasped in the audience "its the half pretzel" then there was a blood curdling scream and Ivan flew up hit the ceiling and landed unconcious on the floor. After as Wee Willy was enjoying a winning pint a crowd gathered and asked "Willy how did you do it?" "Well" he replied, "we were wrestling, and he started to put the half pretzel on me i could feel it in me bones. Then, Suddenly in front of me eyes an enormous penis appeared so i bit down on it as hard as i could.... Its amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own penis.

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS. Causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you are a pain in the ass.

Impotence... Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."

Your proctologist's office called... they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.

Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little whiny-ass opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off.

Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one !!!

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU'D LIKE TO SEE!

Hang up and drive!

A few minutes before the church services started. the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed,

Satan asked,
'Why aren't you afraid of me?

'The man calmly replied........

'Been married to your sister for 48 years'

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? 'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.
'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'
She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there .'
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
'Nah', says the Scotsman... 'Costs too much...'