Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fishfinger behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego. (If Lego are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Weetabix or Cheerio's) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more new ones and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the assistant to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your wages to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. There was a large pond in the back with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave! "The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked....I'm here to feed the alligator."

MORAL: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time

CHOCOLATE

- Chocolate is a Vegetable
- Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
- Bean = vegetable.
- Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.
- Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
- Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
- To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy.
- So candy bars are a health food.
- Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
- And remember "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?