To you, who rains on everyone's parade.
To you, who has to have the last word, and has to make it rude or cutting.
To you, who likes to throw around hurtful barbs at defenseless people.
To you, who has no loyalty but to yourself.

What exactly do you get from it?
What does it do for you?
Do you find it fun?
Exciting perhaps?

Does it make your tiny genital area get all tingly just thinking about being noxious and nasty?

Learn to be kind, and learn to be cautious with your tongue - words can kill....................everything in their path I'm afraid.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was
broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast,and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt, because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

I can almost feel myself losing weight....by forwarding this to you!
You'll understand at the end.

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how midlife is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"


In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally
-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.


Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?


But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

remember you are beautiful!!!!!!!!!

Hi,

Over the past few weeks I have received many funny images/jokes and have posted them to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.

Unfortunately, I seemed to have upset a few people and received criticism for being sexist and shallow.

So, from now on I am only posting pictures of old monuments, nature and other cultural sights which are educational for your mind.

Here is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Toulouse , France .

What I have learned as I have matured
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,the passion fades,and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Office Memo:

Another month ends.
All targets met.
All systems working.
All customers satisfied.
All staff eager and enthusiastic.
All pigs fed and ready to fly.

hi all.
back home up north tomorrow.
hope you have liked the photos posted while we've been away.
s & m

WATER
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminium foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminium foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

For Your Info
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke? WATER OR COKE?

THE 27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

WACKY WAYS TO ORDER A PIZZA
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Use CB lingo where applicable.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation.''

Answer their questions with questions.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?''

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.''

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?''

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Act like you're ringing the police. Report a petty theft.

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.''

Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...action!''

Be vague in your order.

When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.''

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, ``This may be my last entry.''

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza.'' Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please.'' Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

Haggle.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Dance all around the word 'pizza'. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word.''

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!'' when a bullet is fired.

If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

Order a steamed pizza.

Ask for a pizza without the crust.

If the order taker gets too annoyed, pout and complain, "The last guy let me do it.''