NELSON SPEAKS TO HARDY ON THE EVE OF TRAFALGAR

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."


Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."


Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."


Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."


Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."


Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."


Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"


Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."


Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."


Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."


Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"


Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."


Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy!"

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK, written by a woman!

"When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of Women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck,yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The Door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your Chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the Toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door,dropping your Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your Footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the toilet seat. It is Wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so Confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
fire hose That somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto The toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that Point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet Toilet seat. You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and
then Slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to Operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands With spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women,still Waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
toilet paper Trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You Yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her Warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and Left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and Why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restroom. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also Answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the Restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto Your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Witty One-Liners

Dickson's Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?


A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better
lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

True or False...?

Say in your mind true or false after reading each line - Then scroll down for - answer at the end. No cheating. Read the complete list first.

- Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

- Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

- A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

- When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop .... even your heart!

- Only 7% of the population are lefties.

- 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

- Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

- The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

- The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

- The average housefly lives for one month.

- 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

- A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

- The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

- Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

- Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

- The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

- The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.

- John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

- Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

- In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

- Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

- The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.

- Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

- Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.

- If colouring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.





ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE!

Standards My Ass...!!

JUST A QUESTION OF STANDARDS

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? Did you know that a major design feature of the Space Shuttle was determined by the width of a horse over 2,000 years ago!!!!! The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important??

Had lots of requests for somemore upskirt and flashing shots,so been through all the photos looking for them.
hope you like the ones we post.
north lad and south girl xx

never sleep with an unintelligent gnome




its not big and its not clever.

happy birthday south girl
lots of hugs and kisses
from north lad and your little one.
and doggy
x x x
ps you stop in bed in the morning,will make you tea and toast when i get in,and take little one to school,then we can have some fun!!!!!!