I have a headache.

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

"I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

Apple does it again

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store
and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained
about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

Jeremy Kyle's 12 Days of Christmas;
12 gold hoops,
11 fake uggs,
10 richmond kingsize,
9pm curfew,
8 snotty noses,
7 different dads,
6 grams of sniff,
5 sovereign rings,
4 stolen rims,
3 ASBOs,
2 many beers and a brand new S.T.D.

Thirsty work

• A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry.
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle.
After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike.
He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off.
He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded.
"This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man,
"You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"

Wearing your jacket back wards !

Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend,
"I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."
"Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.
A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him,
"Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well," the farmer explained,
"the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

Motorcycle wisdom of the road

• Midnight bugs taste best.
• Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
• Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
• The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
• Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
• Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
• If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
• A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
• Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.
• A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
• Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
• Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
• Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
• The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
• A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.
• There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
• Practice wrenching on your own bike.
• Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
• Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
• If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
• Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
• There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.
• No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.
• Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996, Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him 500,000 EURO. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
• The young man replies: "A 1996 Cosmo Quad Turbo RX-7. It cost 500,000 EURO.
• "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
• "Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
• The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
• "Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 200 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my 7?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun an RX-7?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-Bbbla...MMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and Jesus to Betsy, it is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
• The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do??

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.

'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'Wait two weeks ... fawl off by self!'

The rabbit biker

• Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself.
He had been given special powers by a local witch.
One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.
Then he said to them:
"I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes.
You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first.
"I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit.
"I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again.
"I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again.
"I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish.
"I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said
"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."