Two young nuns are ordered to paint and redecorate a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.



After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked..
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.



"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.
They open the door and the man enters.
"Nice boobs," says the man.
"Where do you want the blinds?"

Headlights and wheels

Motorcycle rider pulls into a diner in upstate N.Y. Seats himself and asks the waitress for 2 headlights and 2 wheels.
The waitress who had just worked all night wasn't in a good mood said what are you talking about?
The rider already tired ,but happy to relax at the diner
said" Just tell the cook he'll know what I mean by the expression 2 headlights and 2 wheels.
By this time the waitress is pissed and yells back at the old cook,
"I got this weird one out here who thinks you'll know what he wants if he orders 2 headlights and 2 wheels".
Yeah I know what he wants, Yells the cook,
He wants 2 eggs sunny side up and 2 pancakes.
No problem .
Well this just pisses off the waitress even more than before. SO, just before the breakfast is served to the rider, she walks up with a big plate of chili beans and slams them down on the table.
"Here" she yells for all to hear,
" here's you chili!
But, the rider who didn't order the chili answers back.
What is this for?
The waitress is ready for this yells back
" I thought you would want to gas up before you took off"

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman join the French Foreign Legion.
Before their first trip to the Sahara dessert their Commanding Officer tells them they are allowed to take one personal item with them and ask them what they intend to take with them.
He ask the Englisman what he is going to take and the Englishman replies
'I am going to take a radio'
' Asked why he says '
So I can listen to my favourite music''.
Fair enough say the CO.
The CO then ask the Scotsman what he is going to take.
the Scotsman replies
''I am going to take my bagpipes''
When asked why he says ''
When the Englishmans radio batteries run flat I can play my bagpipes so we still have some music''.
Fair enough says the CO.
The CO then asks the Irishman what he intends to take.
The Irishman says
''I am going to take a car door''
The CO says what the f*** do you want a car door for?''
''Simple says the Irishman.
''If it gets too hot I will wind down the window''

Don't cheat by looking down at the answers now, will you. Keep the next question at the bottom of the page until you've worked out your answer then scroll down.

Your Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?
















Answer : 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?















Answer : Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?














Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
















Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?






















Answer : Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!

The Movie Test

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Star Wars". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!


Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!



Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:



1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joys of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

to become a monk....................


A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

















The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
















The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

















The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.













That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.























The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,



We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



















The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.



If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?









The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.











The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.















The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ....



We shall now show you the way to the sound.















The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.















The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?











The monks give him the key, and he opens the door










Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.














The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

















....silver, topaz, and amethyst.















Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ..

























The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

































... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.














DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the taff

'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English bastard.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Taff: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Taff: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar……'

On the first day, God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said,
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......



On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said,
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said,
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years,
we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

For The Fallen
With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.
...
Solemn the drums thrill; Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres,
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted;
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years contemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England's foam.

But where our desires are and our hopes profound,
Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,
To the innermost heart of their own land they are known
As the stars are known to the Night;

As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain;
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.

THE CHAVS PRAYER...

Our boyfriend who art in prison.
Even mum knows not dads name.
Thy chavdom come, you'll read the sun, in Exmouth which is in Devon.
Give us this day our welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO'S as we happy slap those who got ASBO'S against us.
Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing.
For thine is the chavdom, The burberry and The bacardi, Forever and Ever...
INNIT!