Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't
good for you.
It will give you acne,
rot your teeth,
and make you fat.'

Little Johnny replied,
'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked,
'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Johnny answered,
'No,
he minded his own fucking business.

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him A 'Thank you note' by email.
Bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email says:
"Your penis wonderful.
I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra Ordinary smooth flow,
and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
Thanks a lot"


Moral:
A "space" is an essential part in English.

To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year,
I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times,
which is an average of only once every 10 days.
The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed,
the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished,
and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.
Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
----------------------------------------------
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused.
Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to 'do' the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
'Too soon' - 38 times
Went soft before we got it on - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Soiled your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were doing the sheet.
You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.
What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?"
The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air.
Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon,
so get your cheque book out.
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.
As you know,
I am in Australia and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website,
became friends on Facebook ,
had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype,
and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favourite Dad,
I need your blessing,
good wishes,
and a really big wedding.
Lots of love and thanks.
Your favourite daughter,
Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow!
Really?
Cool!
Whatever...I suggest you two get married on Twitter,
have fun on Tango,
buy your kids on Amazon,
and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband,
sell him on eBay.
Love,
Your Dad

The Defective Parrot.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
I DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger,
and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape,
the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain,
she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded,
"What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.

My racing snail seems to have lost a bit of speed lately.
After talking to an 'expert' in the pub,
I was advised to remove its shell to reduce weight,
so I tried this,
but it hasn't done any good.
If anything it's made it more sluggish !

On the outskirts of a small town,
there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day,
two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you,
one for me.
One for you,
one for me' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough,
he heard,
'One for you,
one for me.
One for you,
one for me.'
He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy,
'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said,
'Beat it kid,
can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
'One for you,
one for me.
One for you,
one for me.'
The old man whispered,
'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear,
they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard,
'One for you,
one for me.
That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand.
The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up their hands.
"See the stripes on this animal?
What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students holds up their hand.
"See the big antlers on this animal.
What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint,
it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out
"I know what it is,
it's a horny bastard."

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps?
A slice of toast?
Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says,
"it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime,
she asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of homemade soup,
homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says,
"it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime,
she asks if he wants anything to eat.
She'll go to the store and buy him some food.
Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie?
Maybe he'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

Again he declines. "It's this Viagra," he says,
"it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says,
"would you mind letting me up?
I'm starving!.