Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,
other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into,
and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about fucking penguins,
did you?

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day,
the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said,
"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road,
and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are Farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
One day we had a dozen eggs,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,
and the moral to this story is,
'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher.
"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes.
My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky,
a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said,
“My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating."

The teacher said,
“That was good,
but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’
not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand.
She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said,
“Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand,
but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,”
so she called on him.

Johnny said,
“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye.
The teacher was concerned and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"Our house is very small.
Me, my mum and my dad all sleep on the same bed.
Last night my dad asked,
'Johnny are you sleeping?'
When I said 'No', he slapped my face and gave me a black eye." The teacher said,
"The next time your dad asks if you're sleeping,
keep dead quiet and don't answer."
The following morning Johnny came back with two black eyes.
The teacher,
by now very worried,
asked, "My god, why have you now got two black eyes?
I thought I told you to say nothing."
Johnny replied,
"Dad asked me again,
'Johnny are you sleeping?'
and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my dad and my mum started moving,
you know,
at the same time,
and mum was breathing erratically,
kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum,
'Are you coming?' Mum said,
'Yes I'm coming,
are you coming too?'
Dad answered, 'Yes!'
They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said,
"Wait for me,
I'm coming too..."'

Two guys, one old and one young,
are pushing their trolleys around B&Q when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says,
"That's okay.
It's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 years old,
tall, with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
big boobs,
a nice peachy bottom and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says,
"Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

Working at the post office,
I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk,
I responded in my calmest voice,
"What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began,
"and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.
I'll have you know,
my husband was in all morning!
He never heard a thing!"
After apologizing,
I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed.
"We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."

A lady worked at a meat distribution factory.
One day, when she finished with her work schedule,
she went into the meat cold room (Freezer) to inspect something, but in a moment of misfortune,
the door closed and she was locked inside with no help in sight.
Although she screamed and knocked with all her might,
her cries went unheard as no one could hear her.
Most of the workers had already gone,
and outside the cold room it's impossible to hear what was going on inside.
Five hours later,
whilst she was at the verge of death,
the security guard of the factory eventually opened the door.
She was miraculously saved from dying that day.
When she later asked the security guard how he had come to open the door,
which wasn't his usual work routine.
His explanation:
"I've been working in this factory for 35 years,
hundreds of workers come in and out every day,
but you're one of the few who greet me in the morning and say goodbye to me every night when leaving after work.
Many treat me as if I'm invisible.
Today,
as you reported for work,
like all other days,
you greeted me in your simple manner
'Hello'.
But this evening after working hours,
I curiously observed that I had not heard your
"Bye, see you tomorrow".
Hence,
I decided to check around the factory.
I look forward to your 'hi' and 'bye' every day because they remind me that I am someone.
By not hearing your farewell today,
I knew something had happened.
That's why I was searching every where for you."
Be humble,
love and respect those around you.
Try to have an impact on people who cross your path every day, you never know what tomorrow will bring.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum and tenderly stroke your belly.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off, whilst seductively stroking your belly.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them,
but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician,
the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire,
but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch,
and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King,
eager to help his Queen,
quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth,
and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved,
and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber,
Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick couldn't have cared less and knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King,
and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day,
Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick.......

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.
I took out my purse, got out ten pound and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said,
"That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.