A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf,
so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scottish Jew: Aye, but I'm as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavishstien.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scottish Jew: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I am that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scottish Jew: Aye, I am that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scottish Jew: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

Just been watching a few videos about David Attenborough,
what with it being his 90th birthday and all that.
Saw one video about the intelligence of some birds,
specifically crows.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and a pathologist determined the cause of nearly all of the deaths to be vehicular impact.
A more detailed analysis detected various paint residues,
and it was further discovered that a huge majority of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks,
while a much smaller portion were killed by an impact with a car. Behaviourists very quickly concluded the cause of the disproportion:
when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
While all the lookout crows could say "Caw",
none could say "Truck."

Family tree of Vincent Van Gogh (always pronounced as Van Go)
Who thinks up these things!?
His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes-------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop'nGogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------ U Gogh
His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------ A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ----------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ---------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV-Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!!..

TWO PRAWNS:
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian,
'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark,
and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said,
'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away,
afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back,
and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home,
still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate,
memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted,
'It's me, Justin,
your old friend,
come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied,
'No way man,
you'll eat me.
You're now a shark,
the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back
'No, I'm not.
That was the old me.
I've changed.'.........
.
.
.
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

Bungee Jumping In Mexico
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day.
Al says to Joe,
"you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
Joe thinks this is a great idea,
so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.
When they had finished,
there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Al jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord,
but when he comes back up,
Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately,
Joe isn't able to catch him,
and he falls again,
bounces again and comes back up again.
This time he is bruised and bleeding.
Again Joe misses him,
Al falls again and bounces back up.
This time he comes back pretty messed up.
He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost xxxxxxxxxxx.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps,
"No, the bungee cord was fine.
It was the crowd...
WHAT THE HECK IS A PINATA?"

Upon reaching 65,
old Tom decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months,
his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby
Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah,
I joined a parachute club.
"What?
Are you nuts?
You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah,
look I even got a membership card."
"Old man,
you need glasses!
This is a membership in a Prostitute Club,
not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great!
now what am I going to do?
I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a , a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says
sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

I went to the horse racing for the first time ever last weekend. I haven't got a clue about betting,
so I walked up to the counter and said,
"Excuse me. Could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?"

The man said,
"No problem Sir.
An each way bet is split into two stakes.
The first is a bet on the horse to win.
The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place.
This can be first, second, third or even fourth,
depending on the amount of horses running in the race."

I said,
"That sounds perfect for me.
Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?"

"No," he replied.

"Oh," I said,
"And why's that?"

"This is a fucking hot dog stand."

Had a lovely date last night,
she owns her own company,
producing cups medals,
and awards for big sporting events.
I'm quite keen on seeing her again,
even though my friends think she's a bit of a trophy girl .........

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public toilet, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's willy was twisted like a corkscrew.
.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
.
"Like what?" Martin said.
.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
.
"Oh Bugger" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."