I can NOT be developing a crush on this chick! This isn't FAIR! She has a fucking BOYFRIEND! Why do girls with BOYFRIENDS have to flirt with me?!

Agggh! *Slams head into wall*

And how do I know she likes me?! Because she's said so, on MULTIPLE occasions. And how do I know I'm starting to like her?! I try to be close to her, I invite her into the room to print her papers and then when the printer's out of paper (accident, I SWEAR) I get down right against her legs and fill it. I sit and look at her pictures on facebook and think how much I wanna cuddle.

NOT FAIR! NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOO!

I'm bummed. I don't know what's gotten into me recently, but I've been depressed for the past week or so now. I really don't know what it is because nothing's really changed per say. I am still getting along with Nicole and Heather minus the occasional bumps, but that's natural. The school semester is flying by, I only have a few weeks left. I'm not doing *bad* in school so far.

I just don't know what it is. Well, I have an idea, but who knows?

Got some pretty good news today. It started in Social Psyche where the teacher informed us he was postponing the test and the return date for the take-home quiz. I was very happy, because that's one less thing to freak out about these next few days. I also got a call from dad saying he and mom wouldn't be in to visit on the 9th but next week, which was awesome too. That means I'll have about a week of school, then spring break. Hurray =)

On meh-ier news, I have a test in Positive Psyche that I'm really not sure how I'm going to do in. I don't know how she does her tests, nor am I really certain what to study for. I haven't much read the chapter because it all looks the same as the notes. I don't know. I'm feeling lethargic and Heather isn't helping. I do like Heather, she's sweet, but sometimes she'll find something to tease me about and wont stop, like my gpa. It's not all that great, because I had a D in one of my classes back at my old college and it transferred over here, so I have a 2.7. Not bad, but not great. She's got a 3.6 and was talking about scholarships today and how I could apply, most of them start at the 2.5 level. Course I couldn't get any 3.5 scholarships but no worries!

Yeah...it's either that or the fact I seem to repel men. She doesn't tease me a lot, but on the days she does it's just rough.

We had Housing Day today where I had to renew my housing contract to live in the dorms. I put in for a single room, I don't want to live with anyone. But the annoying little girl from down the hall was there, and apparently no one wants to room with her (what a surprise). Her roomie and her aren't working out and her friends don't want to room with her, and she's being ridiculously picky about what room she wants. Everything is either too small or in the wrong spot or on the wrong floor. Whatever, it's a fucking dorm.

So she asks me if I want to room with her. I say: 'No, I really want to live alone.' So she 'oh's and then literally a minute later asks me if I want to room with her. Fucking no. I don't. This dumb bitch asks me practically five times about my living situation and if I want to room with her or if she can room with me and each time it's no. I want to live alone. Then she throws out: "Well, if I get a triple, would you want to room with me."

I say alone and this bitch is raising the numbers.

I'm amazed she hasn't caught on that I'm not really a friendly person lol

All around I am okay. Tired, a little 'meh,' but I'm okay. I think I just want to go to sleep for a few days. =)

I gotta go back to school tomorrow =/ I don't wanna, because I'm going to miss home and not worrying about school work and shit being due, but at the same time I wanna go back, because I miss my roomie and suitemate, and I'm looking forward to Heather tell me she missed me. That always makes me feel good =) And I miss Jax, who IS still alive (I know MD's been worrying *kotc!*)

So much for the idea of me getting the car in my name. Because I have no credit they don't want to let the car be in my name, so I can establish credit, even if there IS only 3000 left. Dad's pretty upset, and they say there's a way that if HE'S the primary on the car I can still get credit, but he doubts, and is threatening to change banks now. He's just frustrated, as am I. We also told them it had to be done today, I'm not sure why I'm just following along with dad, and they haven't called us back yet anyway.

I'm planning to visit Patrick today around 3 or so, and then I'll be home later to cook supper.

This little vacation has been nice, I've needed to get away. It's been decided I can't have an apartment so I'm getting ready for housing day on Monday. I read the FAQ online about it, and Miss Bowen said I need to get there early. It started at 7 am last year, and by 7:22 they were out of housing contracts (first come first serve). So..yeah... I'll be getting up very early. I just hope it's not freezing out, though I'm sure it will be pretty cold. Bleh lol

My positive psyche teacher and I decided what I'm going to do for my large project. We sat down and talked and figured working on my poor self-esteem issues would be good for me, so she recommended a book to follow and I need to plan out how I'm going to do this project. I bought the book she told me to yesterday with mom and dad, we all went out shopping. Mom and dad bought me some clothes, which was supper nice, so I paid for lunch. =)

Dad and I worked on my taxes today and checked the difference between how much I would get back as a dependent and as an independent. As a dependent I get about 269, as an independent 650. So I'm asking them to please file me as independent, but the catch is they pay more taxes, so it's up to them. Also doesn't help that I'd use some of the refund for a new tattoo, while dad wants me to put it toward bills. Yeah, dad's pretty logical.

I realized today that I really need to work on getting published. I remember the author that visited us saying his story was only 90,000 words or so, and I paused and realized mine is 138,000..and only about halfway done >.>; I told mom and dad about it, and mom says I need to separate the story up but I don't feel like there's any real good breaking point for the story. But I don't know. I'll take some looking at. If I can find a breaking point, maybe I'll try and throw it out to the publishing world, see what happens.

Well, I wont be getting an apartment. I sat down and talked with dad about it, and we just don't think I can afford it. He offered logic, which I hate, but need. We made up a budget and I just can't afford it and he said he wouldn't care so much about me getting it, except that even he and mom couldn't afford it if something went wrong and I couldn't pay. So... oh well... It just means I'll have to struggle through Housing Day on Monday and then insist on getting a single room for myself. I refuse a roommate and since I'm a senior it means I should get preference on that.

I almost contemplated saying 'fuck it' and taking a semester off, but I want to be done with college, and I only have two semesters left. I just gotta push through, preferably alone. I know that it's not exactly the best for me, at least I don't think it is, but I've had a shitty roommate and awesome roommates. I don't want to deal with anymore after this.

I told dad how worried I am about my situation. No credit yet, though I believe we're planning to fix it this weekend and put the car fully in my name and my responsibility to pay for it, since there's only 3000 left on it. I just feel like I should be starting my life, getting an apartment, a more steady job, living on my own, etc. Then dad reminded me I'm only 19... =/ I feel older though. Sometimes I regret doing so much so fast, but at the same time, I know if I hadn't taken the chances I had, dealt the two extra years at a college, I would go insane. End of story.

Anyway. All I want now is to relax and forget mostly about school, as much as possible. I just want away from a lot of it.

I'm going home tomorrow, thank goodness. I've been looking forward to this day for so long, I've been so insanely homesick. I just have to get through my social psychology class tomorrow and then I'm out of here and hopefully home around 4 o'clock, which will be nice.

My positive psyche teacher and I have decided I'll do my big self-project on my self-esteem issues. She's told me a book she wants me to read and that should hopefully help, along with looking into the the textbook I already have for the class. I'll probably start the project March 1.

I've been thinking maybe I should spend less time with Ash, which bums me out and it could just be female hormones talking. The Valentine's Day weekend with her was nice, but I found out she told her mom that I had basically pushed her into drinking that one night, which is a parallel of what Ariel did before, saying I had pushed her into fooling around. I'm getting really tired of girls telling people I'm pushing them into decisions they made on their own.

In any case, it just really bums me out. I enjoy hanging out with her, but if she wont share responsibility for the stupid things we do, I don't know if I want to hang out with her anymore. The idea's frustrating, because we have such a great comic and story idea going, I don't want to lose that. So I don't really know what to do. Limit my time with her, but if I do I fear we wont get as much work done on this awesome thing we have, and she's still my best friend.

I think.

I don't know. The more I talk about her with Heather, the more I realize how many negative things Ash tends to do. Heather even said at one point: "She doesn't sound like much of a friend." I'm really confused. *Sighs*

On somewhat brighter news, I think a girl in my poetry class is starting to like me a bit. She and I were talking today and she mentioned twice (TWICE) to me that she had told her boyfriend she was getting a crush on me, and she couldn't promise him she wouldn't mess around with me. We walked from class together and we got on the discussion of what sexual things I had done, and how it really wasn't that much. Then when we said goodbye she kinda did that looking-at-me-through-her-lashes move. Maybe I'm picking up on the wrong signals because I'm lonely? It really doesn't matter because she has a boyfriend so already she's off limits.

I'm going to be insanely honest. I only know one other person in my life right now that's a virgin, and she is because she literally convulses at the idea of the sex. So I'm really bummed out I'm a virgin, I'm living with two girls that only talk about how great sex is, annnnd I'm single. I'm really kind of bummed lmao

That's why this trip home is going to be so nice. Five days of not having to be reminded of how single I am and of family-friendly conversation. I really, really, *REALLY* need this.

(Here's another one. Conflict Poem. I have to take a conflict between me or someone, but I'm not really 'in' conflict with a person, at least not one I wanna write about, so I did it about my troubles and confusions with religion instead? Yeah, okay >.>;; )

He sits cross-legged and naked in her bed
atop the blue quilt, the dark curls between His legs
a nest of wet dreams and the smell of mankind.
A cigarette sits on His lower lip, lit,
budding to life and dying.
He asks her who she thinks she is, touching at the
coverlet that hides naked breasts.

“I don’t know. Me?” she offers, but He shakes His
tired head and sighs with the weight of existence and
the false ideals of hope.
She had hope, of the wrong kind. That’s why He was
paying her this visit with warm hands and
wet eyes and curled lips and spread thighs.
The magnolia creaks outside the window.

He tells her she’s Eve, and laughs when she frowns.
Things are not so simple as they once were when she was
just a little girl with blond curls and freckles.
Her sister had whispered each one was where angels had kissed,
so the girl had imagined, alone, the delicate snowflake lips on her cheeks,
arms, thighs, hips, the one above where she went to the bathroom.
Things had been innocent, pure

from the little girl that panicked when she got her
first pubic hair, who ran bawling to her father
please call mom, please call mom, something’s wrong.
Then things were not so pure
and that, He reminds her, is while she will never be Eden.
Only His Eve,
but damn she was not so little, not so naïve, not so His, not anymore.

She always tried to shut the window on Him, brandish her
tag and spit she was fine with wet grass licking her calves and
chilly nights nipping her breasts. Breathless and cold she doesn’t need
His heat or His house. Thank-you-very-much.
She doesn’t need Him, she has never needed Him but
true to His Word, bastard doesn’t stop and they look at her funny
downtown when she asks for restraining orders.

He offers her the rest of His cigarette but she
looks at the tired virgin walls instead of Him,
exhausted with His small smiles
the He takes her by surprise,
found his way inside her, until she was screaming and kicking and
shoving His chest and begging Him to just
stop, stop, stop, STOP!

So yesterday after Heather's fish died we went to the pet store and got her a new one, Napoleon. To say Napoleon was a dramatic improvement to Alfred the Great is an understatement. Napoleon was constantly swimming around, checking things out, happy as a lark.

This morning I'm sitting in the room before poetry and Heather comes in and says 'Hey, Napoleon died.'

"WHAT?!"

So I go into her room and sure enough, he's dead. We're both stumped. He was perfectly alive last night, what happened? Jax is still fine, thank goodness. I don't know what it is. But Napoleon was stone cold out. Heather's pissed, rightfully so. So just returning everything because she doesn't want to try again, she's sick of having to go to the pet store so much already. I don't blame her. We're trading tanks though because I really like hers and if Jax dies well...we'll know it's the tank somehow because I'M doing things right if Jax is still alive.

Right now I'm waiting for the water in his new tank to hit room temperature. He's sitting in his little dish again and pyscheing his reflection out. I never though I could love a fish but this little dude totally makes me happy. I'm going away for the weekend and if I come back and find I'm dead I'm going to be so insanely upset. This guy's just way too cool. I wanted to get him a little friend to play with, but the lady at the store said betas are too aggressive, even for tetras which are major community fish. Bummer. But I like Jax well enough too.

So tonight I'll be going over to Ash's. And leaving Jax by his lonesome! *Sob!* Thank goodness I don't have some fuzzy creature that I can hold. If I had something like that and it died I'd probably turn into a basket case. As it is right now, Jax just has the big puppy eyes and is on crank. No cuddling fishies sadly =(

Okay, so all last night heather was worrying about her fish Alfred the Great. She kept yelling at us she thought he was dead, then 'nope, he's okay, he just moved,' but she was really bummed out because Alfred wasn't swimming around as much as Jax was. We all went to bed and then this morning woke up and Heather was saying 'I really think he's dead.' I didn't believe her, same old story,s he said it like, twenty times last night. So I got in, look at him and shrug it off. Then she shakes the bowl and he doesn't move at all.

Wow. So I go check Jax and I just pick up the bowl and he starts swimming around again. Uh-oh. I go into Heather's room, pick up Alred's bowl. Nothing. Dude's stone cold dead. So Heather gets *really* upset cause she had really started liking Alfred. She calls her mom and Nicole and I are both 'man this sucks,' and I'm just glad it's not Jax.

Well I called into work and informed them there's 'been a death I have to help take care of,' so I'll take Heather to PetCo today with her receipt and we're demanding him replaced. This is really as much for her benefit as mine. I just don't want to go to work. =/ I hate my job, but I think I've told you that. That's one reason I kind of don't like living on my own. My parents xxxxxx me to go to work, without them making me feel guilty, I don't mind calling in. I've only done it twice now, once when I was sick and today, so that's two. I'll try not to do it again.

The kid that took the message was a dumbass though. I call in, need to speak to a manager but none are around so he says he'll just take it down (hopefully this doesn't penalize me). I say 'my name is Digoree and there's been a death that I need to help take care of.'
'Okay so what's the problem?"
"There's been a death..."
"Okay so uhm...what time are you expecting to come in?"
"Not at all. There's been a death, I need to help take care of this issue."

Unless like, presuming someone dies it only takes an hour and then you're open for the day. Maybe that's the case. Ya'll are seeing me at my worst, I feel really guilty now xD this is just me justifying it but I haven't been able to be a lazy, shitty, punkass teenager ever, so I'm taking advantage of it today.

Anyway, considering how often Melissa calls in compared to me I really don't feel all that bad.

Jax worries me every now and then. He's a cool little betafish,he sees his reflection so thinks its another fish, so he tries to psyche it out by flicking back and forward. But he also likes just leaning against the side of the bowl with the top of his head sticking out. He's kinda weird.

Anyway, just wanna say RIP Albert the Great. I'm not looking forward to walking to the garage carrying a bowl with a dead fish in it but it's not that big a deal. Heather says she may go to the beach today too, in which case I might follow her.

Sorry you guys had to see Dig are her lazy-badness. =/