Saturday I had the rare and wonderful privilege that I've been blessed with more times than I've thought I'd gain, to meet someone that I adore as a friend here... to my joy someone who's meant a great deal to me as one of the finest souls I know, from this site, our dear tuxedojunction. A man I call TJ. One of my heros from this place.
Anyway, talking and eating, sipping waters and other drinks.. and moving ourselves as needed from the too hot Denny's to the friggin' freezing restrooms... to well, relieve ourselves of enough drink to give us reason to claim our booth permanently, it almost seemed. We have loads of laughs, and add sparkling eyes, and waggling eyebrows and goofy grins... and enjoyed putting our friendly HuggleSnugs and Snughuggles around each other in person. How blessed I am, to have had the honor to hold that wonderful man close even for a moment.

The next night, I'd gotten a series of short texts from a man I'd enjoyed as coworker/playmate this past summer. He's a tall gangling ADHD teen in a man's body. I love the sweet and gentle towering guy to pieces.. as a friend. He's been blessed with some real and unfortunate challenges, and I was one who got to truly recognize the damage to him, as well as to any woman who'd want to love him as more than friends... So, we're friends only, and I can't complain about that.. He can't help himself or control himself as he so terribly wants to. Anyway he seemed to need me and our friendship again. And I needed it too. Fingers touching fingers.. tear spilled and hands held as we confessed our nightmares and worries, and our gratitude for the sweet and rich friendship that remains between us... hands tentatively and gently tapping knee... knee touching knee in the huge booth we'd shared... and sure acceptance of a friendship that is unique. This very tall and gentle man, who's so terribly broken over his plight and that of those he once held purely close to him.. The losses he's expressed and dealt with.. The friendships that he must lose over his own actions.. Foolish choices he's sadly incapable of stopping, and knows the consequences far too dearly and, oh my dears... I can't wish anyone to blame him!! To do so would be sinning by those who mistakenly judge him! Ahh, anyway.. . I see it as a more foviable pain than that I'd experienced at the hands of the man I'd once called husband, and yet.. Admitting I was married to a man who cruelly abused, but perhaps too.. he was capable of nothing else, because of his condition, and how he viewed the world. I believe that to be TRUE, so it's far better to forgive, and to try and always love him in my own ways.

I'm lucky, to have the true honor of dear loving men I can call friend. I'm not one to look at a gift and not express my gratitude for it or pass it by. I KNOW the power of forgiveness.. both being given to me, and being able to extend it, lovingly and sweetly. Forgiveness, and love are the two most important things to learn to give, receive and embrace. I'm also ever so pleased to have so many for some reason, want to share with me, and be my friends, here.... and in my every day life. Even my father, when I finally spilled tears and shared my pain about my still plaguing experience called ... Stated I need to stay in touch, that he loves our conversations.. That we have a real friendship, and how much he loves just talking with me... I can even claim my Daddy as my friend... And my daughter.. well, I'm told she's so much like me.. and the men I adore can truly see she's a very close friend, too. Alex calls her my MiniMe... She's too amazing to me to say that personally. My tall friend had come home last night with me. Needing to NOT stare at the same four walls. I'd invited him to come up to watch a movie and have refreshments with me. We'd planned on a quiet time together... perhaps sharing more intimately too. We got an evening filled with her critiques, and sassy hilarious attitude, and he insisted she got that from me. So, my daughter too I can claim as one of the best friends a woman could ever have. She's also so much like her father, and that man I still at times wish I could share my bed with, towering friend...
I recognize and must accept the words of yet another man I know as a friend.. That I'm one of those women who heals men's souls with my loving kindness as they rush through life... Bettering them, simply by being a momentary participant in their lives. I may never be blessed to have a man linger and determine to stay and call me his ultimate friend. That thought has pained me since I was a girl... For it was my role then, as it is now... To love them enough to heal them in my little ways... Enough so that they can find someone better for them... And love and embrace that woman dearly and take her into his world and life. I'm not going to look for more than that. I accept that means I'll be a very lonely woman far too often weeping on my bed, or in my car, trying to let go of selfish sorrow and realize I'm better off not having those men be more important in my life. People insist I'm loved.. and even imagine me being romanced, and all that you see in movies.. That's never been mine to have. In all my life, I've never felt it. I've never been swept off my feet by some romantic man. Hmmm, maybe that's impossible... let's face it.. you've seen this fluffy, squishy body... Laws of physics would have to be altered!

Anyway, back to the message in this entry to my blog. I've gotten to have a one of a kind weekend. Phone calls and texts from some of the most wonderful men I've known as friends... and got to spend time in person with a couple of them, too. I'm lucky to get to love anyone at all.. Let alone get to call some of the dearest guys I've known, and met... FRIEND.

I've had a fascinating conversation with the man I've mentioned in past blog and status updates... and texted conversations with a close friend here. I've come to an eye opening conclusion that at this time of my life, I'm only at a too remedial stage of learning... I'm merely learning with the gentle guidance of a few here and elsewhere. I'm recognizing that I'm too far behind in that crucial part of the process of becoming.. of being ready for a more deep and lovely sort of relationship. One day I hope to be ready enough to have a real relationship, but I'm seeing that I'm at a child's level of comprehension on too many topics that must be understood. I'm recognizing more and more, that even with this one man, this dear friend who means a great deal to me, I'm jumping too far ahead. I'm fragmented at best... There is truly little to hope for, expect or believe in at the moment. I'm not prepared to be a lover, let alone companion or Girl Friend. A friend, yes.
Clarity of thought makes me sit back on my haunches and reevaluate my point of reference as well as presumptions. It makes me more aware of how little I've got to bring into any real relationship. It takes decades to make up for such a true lack like this one. Such deficiencies aren't something I can convince my own self, let along try to convince anyone else is a positive thing, or worth the risk.

I'm a novice at relationships. I'm unsure that I'd even recognize or accept love if it were offered me. Why proceed with any efforts based on a lack as serious as this one? It would be illogical, unproductive and perhaps terribly damaging.

I bought feathers, masks, boas, glitter and stick on rhinestones... my outlay for this is getting larger.. but it's been fun collecting these things, thinking of dual significance... I'd originally chosen and planned to make my own elaborate mask patterning the colors of my little Green-cheeked conure, and photograph Baby with me. But I'd also been drawn time and time again to Black and White. I've chosen that color combination with something special in mind. I love Pierrot dolls, and the story behind that tout blanc clown... Today is Le fet de Roi, the feast of the Kings, signifying the time when the three magi presented gifts to Jesus.. 12 days AFTER his birth, and it's pattern is used on Fat Tuesday... Mardi Gras, later in the year. Anyway, black and white, are used for Pierrot, or for harlequins often...
The man I'm working with, to get his input and interest, is a friend I'd made long ago on a platonic site, now, planning a meet and testing of our feelings for one another... He is black, and he's informed me that not only am I white as I teasingly call myself, Wonderbread.. he adds that I'm Wonderbread, with the crust cut off!
Anyway, I'll be sending him photos over the web over the next few hours, to show him ideas, and thoughts as to what I'll post for tomorrow... and sharing this adventure in creative and sexual play, is an opportunity for him to.. well, understand even MORE, why I love this site so much.. and, umm, see a glimpse of my body here and there, with feathers scattered everywhere... It's a gesture of greater intimacy with a man who'd only planned to be friends.. Buddies... when we'd met long ago now, it seems.
As he and I prepare to meet and share much more intimate activities less than or about 2 months from now... I'm allowing him to see more of me than I'd thought I would share with him prior to our meeting... But in sharing in honesty about my past on this place.. and showing him copies of photos shared here, and many of late, inspired by his curiosity and his favorite poses from me... I'm relinquishing the hard and firm grasp I've held on modesty that perhaps was wrongly placed. Though, he admitted that he couldn't recall ever wanting a woman as much as he did me, after a recent set of photos just for his viewing... I still wonder if what I'm doing is right. This man is the closest male friend I've had. But I'm allowing him greater part in my life and the things I'm doing that titillate and pique his interest. He's teased me that he might join the "Naughty site" as I call it, just to find guys who might have copies of my past videos or blatant nudes in their possession, just to SEE what I've mentioned over the past over 1 1/2 years from when we'd met. As we become more involved in one another's lives... he repeats initial statements, that he'd encourage me to stay here, and stay close with the friends that I love... That is unique to me. So far, men who've considered being involved with me seriously each asked if or told me they'd expect me to end my membership here, if we became a couple. He's the only man who's NOT on this site, who's insisted it's been too positive a place to me, and too important to me, to want me to give it up. He'd asked rather, that he take an active part in helping with choices of photos to post, and perhaps, even in posing me, or photographing them, as well. To me, that's an unique and positive view for a man who wants a woman to himself who didn't intend to ever know her body as intimately as we now look forward to trying.

just a warning.. as part of my further health decline issues, I'm letting you know that the once lovely fingernails I've had are falling apart on me.. breaking down to below the "quick" not only does it hurt, but it'll alter how I look in my photos...

HUGS to all my dear friends.

NewbieNudes brought me a lover when I'd needed his touch and uplifting, as I made the choice to leave a negative thing... marriage. It wasn't so much the abuse, but the ultimate wrongness of staying with someone who was polar opposite to myself. For I believe that he can be a better man with the right woman by his side... Just as I know that I'm far better off, NOW, with no one by my side, than someone who'd pull me down in a mere reaction to my own self. BTW, the lover's been busy with his life.. but what we'd shared was sexually high and dear as well. because we became comfortable friends as well as sharing carnal joys.

This place also helped build my self-confidence... I no longer needed to show myself blatantly, to express myself. I DID at first... baring every inch of my body. I respect myself much more for being myself, and expressing my artistic side more clearly.
I love this place called NewbieNudes... Maybe because of the wonderful souls here... women who're like sisters and besties to me... men that I honestly desire and love and care for and hope the best for. For there are one or two that I admit I desire truly... and if one of the most precious and important friends OFF site doesn't pan out when we meet for the first time in person, I hope that someone who's grown close here would be willing to give it a chance, too. Because he IS worthy of that, in my eyes... I'm not sure I am... but I know how I feel about him. He's splendid to me, and with our brief friendship I've already felt that he's a one of a kind.

Anyway, I've been blessed with friendships that I shall always treasure. I have joy from being on this site. More for the camaraderie, and friendship of friends, and loving family, than anything else.

It might be weird to claim an amateur porn site as one of the BEST places I've come to on a regular basis, but it's true. I've got real live human beings that I happen to adore and cherish right here...
Just letting you know how I feel.

Have you ever...
held the lovely blue remains of a robin's egg, within your cupped hands? or watched a Tiger swallowtail take flight in the afternoon's heated breeze? or touched a perfect smile, on the lips of a sleeping child?
These are the simple pleasures.. the true miracles of life. Reflections of the purity, and beauty that surrounds us.

I'm in love with life, my friends... and with this glorious world. I will not count the days I've got left upon it, that would shorten them in just the numbering of them. I'd far rather watch the sun rising over the snow clad mountains, caressing their peaks with gold, pinks, and apricot... tinged with purples, and cloaked in satin sheen... I'd rather watch the sun setting over my ocean, though I may never get to do so again... I'll close my eyes, and listen to the winds here, crashing against my home, reminiscent of the waves assaulting the shores that I once claimed as my playground.
I want to listen to music live, and ringing in my ears. I want, and.. oh how I wish and wish I could feel the love of someone tenderly as he touches my face, and showers me with his joy as lifts me to a higher place when we make love, or in carnality make an animalistic completion of our cravings.

but I also accept that my life may not be meant for such things... and so I will accept and enjoy all that I can have, and all that will come my way that is right, and ripe with good, and joy.

"where love is concerned, too much is not ever enough."

starting the New year with renewed hope truly requires a conscientious effort... smiles... at least, for me. I'm hoping and praying that I'm capable of making many more positive changes within me. For in making them within, all else will follow.

Do you know how much you've taught me in the past while of knowing and spending time with you my friends?
I've made so many changes... and so very many mistakes... but the one thing I'm learning about myself is that it's not necessarily a bad thing to be who I am. I'm coming to terms with my wants, hopes and goals... and I'm learning to accept that as I am.. I am still a good person, and someone who's a lover... I love quickly, feel deeply and truly so love freely those I'm blessed to know.. Some might see that as discomforting, and to them, I extend my apology... yet, I want to be a better friend and support, if I possibly can.

“We cannot rise higher than our thought of ourselves.”

-- Orison Swett Marden

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit."

-- e. e. cummings