but I'm tired of it. Freezing soggy toes in boots once waterproofed are getting to be a normal thing for me. Rides to work with one friend, rides home with others. I'm sure they're tired of it, too. I know I would be. Driving out of their way on gloomy days like these with me. But that's my life, and theirs as they've accepted the roes of helper, friend, and chauffeur. *sigh*

Gloomy grey day.

I'm coming undone, mostly because the more I see and spend time with my friend/coworker... the more I want intimacy with my tall and lanky friend. I've known his lust and desire before... I'm just not sure why we're spending so much time together, nor if he's capable of giving more, or wanting more with me. For me, there are times when just being close to his body makes me come back to life, wanting to touch, tease and make love or experience carnality again... yet, I can't. We do nothing, except occasionally hold one another in a hug, kiss cheeks and just act as loving friends. Nothing more. That might be best for us, even though he talks of wanting friends with benefits, or of wanting to have sexual staying power, and asks of natural male hormonal remedies again, when with me. I'm tempted to help him, but fear he'll cast me aside and use them as before, with other women. But.. he's the only man who follows through and treats me decently. Yet, there's hope to me, even amid confusion. I'll ride this wave, and try to get both of us to open up as to what we hope wish and want with and for one another. we're friends, ultimately. And I love him for who he is, faults and flaws and all.. as.. FRIEND. The hope is more for my other man, away from me. He's the one who detests this one being there for me, and my mentioning this local's name far too often for comfort. His, and mine. He has no respect for a man who is an ignorant fool with women as loyal, good and generous as he insists that I am. But he's also now in love with the thought of me loving HIM. He's a good and dear man, someone in flux and wanting to fix his life prior to finding the woman he wants to share his life with, but informed me that he can easily see me being the one that fulfills that role in his life. Still... I'm unsure. I'm not sure I know what love is, nor what it feels like, to "Be IN Love." I've loved, but not felt loved in return. not as man and woman. Just as friends. I'm not sure if I can or ever will feel anything like that within my own life. But I do believe that it is possible, for those who're open and fit rightly together. I never have been the woman anyone wanted. I was "just good enough for now."

I'm NOT looking, I don't want to pretend, nor believe anyone could possibly love me in that way, not right now... And, I don't believe that anyone can at this time of my life, anyway. It just won't happen, so I'm not going to think about it much. But it would be nice to feel wanted, to have someone want to hold me close and help me feel special and worth being with. Maybe one day I'll feel that. For now, I know from talk that this friend, locally does see me as attractive. Does find me worth being with.. and that he doesn't hate what he's doing to assist me.
I'm still not going to be so lucky as to get my car back. Not for a while. And I'm going to take a girl I work with up on her offer of rides to and from work starting today, and until I no longer need rides. And I'm grateful in a way, for that. I NEED time with others than that man. I need him to not get too used to me in his life. I want to not feel like I'm wanting to climb walls because I'm not in control every time that I'm in his car with him. I want to enjoy my friend, this long lean man that I adore as a goofy sexy sweet man, with a heart filled with good intentions that don't always get met. He's dear and fun, and playful.. And I'm happy to have our unique friendship. I'm filled with desire for my IL friend. And for this one, I'm filled with something like that, too. But it's easy to be with him, knowing he will never expect any intimacy with me. And, knowing he's scared of me... yes, a 6'7" tall tower of a man nervous and overwhelmed around a 5'4.5" tall woman... ME. Makes me more aware of my behavior and more willing to be subdued for his sake.

Right now... I want to relax, and hope and just be able to be myself. And, then, I'd love to be able to just dream and wish... And who knows what possibilities the future holds?

to find out how badly my car is damaged... it's my engine as well as much needed replacement ball joints. They say the controller for the valves is the best case scenario. worst is the head. Anyway, I'm still fully reliant upon a man who still bumbles when it comes to women, though, amazingly not only is taking me out regularly but become very comfortable in my home, and in my life... he's a good friend, and I'm not sure what he's got to gain from being so woven into my life... I'm grateful for his sweetness, support, friendship and desire. He doesn't try to convince me to do anything, nor ask for more than what I can give. When we part, that lean, towering man merely bends himself low to kiss me on my neck or brush lips across my cheek, and holds me for a while then smiles down into my face. Anyway, I'm amazed and grateful to be friends with him.
I'm well loved, I guess... as I watch coworkers as they check in on me, hug me, or offer rides... I'm blessed.

with the hugs of a tiny child... one who trusts you completely to keep him safe... He knows I'm someone who WILL do just that. And anyone who knows me knows I'm a fierce Momma,and will protect any child within my sight. Anyway, my sweet little nephew, who's often in a micro sized business suit, was a Super Hero today., Yet, with me... he was relaxed and my buddy... dangling in my arms, while I hugged him close, and, wiggling a bit, still putting up with me, while I shared smooches that I later whispered were from his other Auntie, far away from him.

What magic lays in the mind of a little man like him??? HUGE, and powerful magic, that's what kind! He can do and be anything he wishes... dreaming big things up in his mind. I am so lucky to have gotten to be a part of that fantastic evening with my Little Dude.

is my sweet daughter's birthday... tomorrow I have the mechanic look over my engine... And tomorrow is another day of... who KNOWS how many, that I'm relying on a man I adore as a friend, for rides... and a woman I love as a great friend, too. I'm lucky to have friends at all... Let alone have caring people here, as well.

I wish, how I wish I could be mobile again. And go buy things as needed. Meds for that kid of mine, and maybe some little special something for her, too. But that's just life. I don't have the luxury... So, I'm making her a Birthstone Dragonling.... A little baby dragon wrapping it's tail around her gemstone(and mine) garnets, with them scattered in a little Dragonling's nest, as well. A gift of love... made for her.

Tonight is my nephew's birthday. A devilishly old fashioned micro sized boy. Such an adorable kid with a huge imagination. I can't wait to wrap my arms around my sister and her family tonight.

And... Tomorrow... I'll work, and wonder.. and hope and pray that I'll have the energy to shower my one miraculous gift in this life with the love and adoration I feel for her. I am blessed. I wasn't supposed to have a child, let alone survive giving birth.

This isn't the Dragonling I made for my daughter... this is one from a few years ago... But hers is just as adorable a little treasure.

Still, I thought I'd give you an idea of what I do and what I've done.

I made this for my mother... years ago. Oh, how I miss her...

Jaguar


Camero


Mustang

I love Leona Lewis, her voice, and bluesy singing...
I was listening to darker, sadder songs.. ones that express my aching, and frustration... At first I wanted to share one of those... and the one I'd chosen was of all things a bit more positive... yet, the link wasn't working....

then came across this one... and realize that I needed the reminder in song. I'm too up and down, my highs aren't high enough for he tug and pull and slamming jolts into the depths... but that's my life.

I've had no luck finding a mechanic to check the car over for me. I just want the compression checked... nothing else right now. I need to know if it's salvageable. I need to know if I dare drive it to and from work over the next while...

I need a car that's usable. And I need to fight depression to avoid that horrible feeling of being swallowed whole by something vile and dark and foul.. and endless. Today I feel like I've accomplished next to nothing, even though I've called and texted RE used cheap cars... and called mechanics, who all say I need a full day with it, or... I can't do it til Friday. There is no one to help me right now. I need to get to and from work. I need to fulfill my obligations, and earn my meager wages, to make life matter, and make the struggle worthwhile. And I'm coming undone over everything.

Anyway... I hope that you'll listen and know that though I'm sorrowing, I am capable of feeling blessed to have sweet friendships with very wonderful people.

This song reminds me that I've got the love and support of friends, and family. Love, and kindness. and a place to go when I'm feeling like I'll lose this fight called life. And lose my clarity and lucidity of thought, forever...


I'll add a few more that help build and lift up a sad soul... i'll be honest. I will most likely be the one who listens to my own blog more than anyone else.... I don't know about YOU... but I need upliftment.

just thought I'd share the few files that weren't becoming corrupted by my software. The program is old, and once was one of the nicest I had on any of my computers... I'm going to be looking elsewhere.. SOON, for something better.

Here's the one I'm using for my profile photo... until something else pops into my mind

Sexy black xxxxx




I think they like white for sexy little sports cars...