“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.”

-- Denis Waitley

another one of my ornaments...

divorced. I'm amazed, and pleased, that it happened the same day I'd written my prior blog about it. About the divorce seeming to be forever in the courts and taking a seemingly endless amount of time to be over and done. And, now, it is finished. Except for two important things. Official documents, and my return to legally using my maiden name. My birthright.

Today after the stunning news of it, texted by my ex, to me... I started texting and calling the most important people I could thing of sharing this news with. First talking to my daughter in the hall of our apartment. Next my closest and dearest friend who even unknowingly had helped me through the entire process... and whom I'm eager to spend time with this sring one weekend.. He and I've started talking every day, almost.. and this was a conversation I'd needed to share with him. Next, on to texting my sisters and a man I've become close with here. And, a man I'd had as FWB, in real life, who's a friend as well. Next, on to calling my father, on my step-mother-s birthday. What an interesting birthday gift that was for her. *smiles* Then onto the social sites... FB, and NN. The only ones that matter to me

I ended up with a call in response to an impulsive choice to add him to my list of text recipients... from someone I've been with months ago... The trucker who'd left for TX, then moved back... Asking if he could stop by. He's NEVER been to my home. Saying he'd like to see my artwork, finally in person. He's heard almost as much as you here, have, only he'd only seen a couple photos I'd taken with my crappy little phone.

Anyway, before anything else, I took my beautiful daughter with me to dinner. Went to our favorite restaurant.. A burger joint a few blocks from home. She'd been nervous and blue knowing I had a man wanting to help me celebrate the evening. I explained that wasn't going to happen. He might come over, we might want more, but the celebration would be me and my daughter. I wanted her to know why. And I'd like to share it with you, too.
My daughter took a psychology course in High School. And more as part of her nursing training. Anyway, while reading her coursework she'd recognized some very disturbing things about her own father's mental health, based upon her studies... Even since then, that loving and protective young woman had tried to rescue me, or have me find a rescuer, to protect and remove me/us from his clutches.
I could have allowed any one of several of his family members who'd offered room or home to us to rescue us. I could have run to one of them, or friends in Arizona, or a sister in Wisconsin. Or an internet lover elsewhere...
But I chose to stand my ground. I chose to stand firm. I realized that if I chose flight instead of fight, he'd have won. He'd have the "right" to mock and berate me.. And I didn't want that. I wanted to prove a point. I chose to be the example I felt I should have been to my daughter... of a strong-willed and determined woman who fights for her rights.
Anyway, I did stay. I worked carefully and slowly over the span of years. I researched mental illnesses; Abuse, fear, violence and perpetrators. Case histories, and books written to inspire women like me to stand our ground, claim our lives and rescue ourselves.
I can say that with the loving support and insistence, with the friendship and pressure of this woman I call daughter.. I freed myself from such a mired existence, that I'm lightened greatly merely kicking off the mud.
I told her the dinner was in honor of the most influential person in my life. Someone who has loved me through everything... I told her it was for her. For, without her loving persistence, and her support, I wouldn't be here... Now... and very proudly saying... I'm free. I'm free... I'm free!
The man did come spend time with me... We talked, and talked. We kissed and held hands,and cuddled... and I showed him my paintings and my little dragons. And, I got to see myself in my artwork, as he expressed his appreciation for my skills and talents... And over and over, my patience.

The most important thing about this evening.. was sharing a HUGE strawberry milkshake with my daughter.. And seeing her eyes glow while watching my elation at being freed at last, from an abusive, thoughtless and conceited man.
I'm happy. I'm a mother... I'm a woman. I'm an example to one soul.. of my strength. She is the only one I needed to make sure to see me as that. I worked for that... And, she earned it.

One of these days, I'm going to look into the eyes of desire, Kiss his lips with wild abandon, and make him quake feeling our need.
One of these days I'll be able to fully unleash that inferno that burns within me, and know I'm safe, because his love, passion and need are at least equal to mine... His love and passion for me, the perfect soothing coolness... His hunger fueled by more than just carnal needs, but the bonds we've fed, grown and gloried in.
One of these days, I'm going to feel the love of a man so fully he and that power will surround me... And around the same time.. my love will have swelled so fully within me, I want to burst... no more quelling my soul, or my spirit, my energy and positive, my peaceful exuberance, and my aching joy.

One of these days, I'll wake up missing him and know that he'll be back warming the bed, and my body and life. One of these days, his form will be the only one I have eyes for. His laugh the only one that sends me, and his vibrations running through me, to the core.

But, before all these things happen.. First I will meet him, touch and hold him close... He will feel my tears of joy in being with him, knowing he's the man I've been waiting for, all of my life. Smiles... with my luck... It will take me the rest of my life to find him, and, then... to make sure he always knows I value all of him.

for me and a few of our lovely ladies and sexy men here...

here's a list of the other participants, and.. do understand that there MAY be a few stragglers who've decided to join in on Cuddling together with Tight_Wet_lips and our sisters.. smiles, and brothers here.. Hmm, admitting I don't wish to think of them as brothers one bit!!! YUummmmmmmm!

Spicy_purr, Uschi, Safire13, onib28, Be4andAfter, nickey69, Cotton_balls, Whispermyname, Dreamingof_U, petiteprincess, GoingGreek, dziga, VTCali, avaitor757, MrCoverYou, kricket187, arabella_topaz


the first are what I've been wearing on nights like this... cold wintery weather has touched my home with a chill that infuses me with a bite from it. Hmm, if I had someone in the bed alongside me... I perhaps wouldn't need these, instead, my summery PJs, the ones you've seen already... these ones.

sky blue pearl colored dragon will have silver and pearlescent wings and details and blue swarovsky crystal eyes.




green with transluscent swirls.. I hand blended this custom color for a friend's dragon, now offering a few in this unique very strong clay. Will have gold and opalescent details. black onyx eyes.

with a man who's got to be confused in himself.. smiles. A man I loved being with when I was the object of his craving, and even better... when we could just enjoy being together, exploring, impetuous and filled with energy.

Anyway, I'd mentioned my photography, and enjoying watching this gangling tower of a man lithely leaping, splashing, and enjoying the world around us... such a big ADHD boy... I know, yes, I miss him, and our friendship.
He texted me from work yesterday, while I was in the ER... asking if there was anything that he could do for me. I guess we are still friends after all. Even though I'd promised I'd let him help me any way that he can... I'm scared to let him.
I still want him too much. His heat and hunger were equal to mine... and unlike too many men I've been with.. his ministrations were almost like reverence, so tender, so appreciative and humbled. Hmmmm, and... I'd never had an orgasm from simply having a man make love.. to my belly button, with his tongue.. mmmm until I met him... Bellybutton sex? No clue, but oh, how amazing those O's were! I don't expect anyone to ever do that with/to me again. It's just not the average.. anything

Anyway these photos were taken while enjoying nature with him. And yes, I loved spending that time together with a tall, lean and laid back man... someone I still call my friend.

For now, I'm simply reflecting on my life. And on past passions shared... and on my hopes and dreams for the future. I've got plenty to hope for.

I called the courts today, even though I should have been preparing to leave for my Dr's appointment a whole valley away from me... as in going around an entire mountain range just to get there.
I discovered that my case had gone from the neglect I'd had in the hands of a retiring judge, into the hands of one who also didn't see me as a human being. And I wonder where my life will go... will I forever have my needs overlooked? Overturned, and ignored? THIS thing that I've requested. This Thing that my husband was finaly willing to pay for... This thing that I have the right to have to justify in my mind all the painful process I've gone through all these long months. I've been separated for over 16 months now. I WANT this part of my life to be over.. The WAITING, the not knowing, the limbo and static.... *sigh*

My life altered the day I broke the spell I'd been under, by finally listening to the words people had tried to tell me for decades, yes, DECADES ,of marriage to an abuser... They fell from the lips of a stranger, on TV... and mingled with those of people who had loved and tried to encourage me to be freed. I am now eager to learn how to avoid my health issues. Riding in the back of an ambulance was a wake up call.. A realization that my body is in a very distressed state over so very much.

I want to take my life back into my own hands. I want to know I've got something of worth to give this world. I know I have in my own little gentle ways, just in giving a coworker a hug and a Hershey's kiss. I know I'm worth something even if just now and again, because of who I am. I hear thanks in my headset every day I work. Because I genuinely believe in giving my best, loving a stranger for the few minutes or hours that person is in the phone with me... And, in the hugs returned to me from friends and family when I'm lucky enough to find their arms wrapped around me, and mine wrapped securely around them.

I know the importance of being alone aas a single woman. I wish i could be truly alone, though I wonder if that is going to be possible, due to my daughter's challenges and trials. Oh, how I love that dear young woman. The only child I could give live birth to... My one incredible miracle. THAT is what she is to me.. And, she is one of the best friends I've ever made, a genuine sassy, spirited and giving, loving gentle yet ornery soul. She is mine, my child, my daughter, my friend, and a woman I an proud of. I am grateful to have her in my life at all.

I am not sure where I'll be this next year... most likely in this tiny place I call home. And with my daughter, most ikely as well. But then, there are hopes and dreams to go make reality. There are wishes begging to come true... And there are good people all around this world to love. I'd love to collect hugs from my friends here, in person. I'd love to make love once, just once, to a man who cares enough to feel the glory in that giving and beautifully joyous experience with me... which most likely will take years even though there are some who are sure i could be the one for them... I do not know if any man could truly see that within me. For I have not been loved well, or treasured, and treated gently, but rather roughly. Even so, I've loved that man. And I've loved the few others I cared for and loved being with.
Smiles... I wish most of all, to continue growing into who I am. I'm liking loving myself. I have times when I'm hugging myself tightly in my mind because I'm happy with who I am, and where I'm going.

Anyway just a few more brief thoughts to share... I've love to express, and life to walk through, dance through, run and gambol through as well. I gladly reach out my hand to you, hold and clasp it once, and you will know my love for you... And please, please, listen to what I say and share... Be the love of your own life. Be the one who cares so much for yourself that you know that you're enough for one person.. Your own self. And then you know TRUE freedom. True light, joy and elation.. And deep calming peace.

still poor quality photos.. but these will have to do. Finished with painting in the details and loving these little sculptures.














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the red one has opalescent paints, and gold leafing to detail it... I'm in LOVE with this beautiful Wyvern (two legs and two wings). The blue one has the opalescent paint, and then silver/pewter detailing. Yes, the photos leave a great deal to be desired.. but still they're lovely. Working on greens, blues and a lavender one now.

still needing details painted onto them. The blue one will be opalescent and silver paints on it, the red... glittery paint, and like the baby one, gold leafing, as well. I'm loving these, and the creation of them!!!