is a man to the east of me... I've been growing closer and closer to... and wishing and dreaming of... I wonder if dreams really can come true?

a revelation so sad but undoubtedly what my future holds for me... I will never be a part of any man's life, as heartbeat, lover, wife, girlfriend or partner... Why? Because, with what my life holds for me.. there is no one who'd wish to share that burden... And so, why dare to hope or believe? When I already know even the father of this adult child of ours never wanted that role or responsibility.. I will forever be her caregiver, support and only one passably able to pick her up from her fear filled melt downs.. tolerate her hallucinations, nightmares in real time... or her accusations due to those twisted memories that replace the truth.. mental illness is debilitating... I had no clue just how it could destroy everyone until I woke up to the reality of my ex's own terror filled, twisted mind.. and then discovered just how severe hers is, at such a young age... I will forever be bound within this hell.. and never know peace, love or the joy of being the best friend to my own best friend... forever alone with my daughter, instead.. in a very bleak and ugly world.. all created within her own mind... I can't let her destroy herself.. but must sacrifice my own light and joy, and peace, to try and show her their glimmers when they can be seen... She is worth it.. I pray, and hope.. for that is the only way I can stand living like this... Devoid of what I hoped for, wanted and once believed I could one day have...

this is a great local band that I'm hooked on now...

either sent to me because they reminded someone of me.. or, seemed like me, and were reaffirmed by friends... Saying, this is you, D.

Stroke 9 -- So Good

U2 -- Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses

Josh Woodward -- She Dreams in Blue

Seal -- Don't Cry

I spent time with a man who'd been playmate, now, chosen to ask if we can just be friends. After he'd asked that, as if I hadn't already thought IF we're to have any part in eachother's lives.. it can ONLY be as friends, odd ones, at that... I made mention of his choices affecting me adversely. And said I'm devaluing myself every time I allow a man to crush me as I had with him. Instead unlistening he responded he felt I'm more honest about who I am than most women. He is who he is, I guess...

Later he texted, asking if we could talk, that he saw himself as a huge prick and needed to apologize to me. I said, good, I'd appreciate that. But when he replied in text yet again, I came undone, informed him of the things he'd done and said that truly were cruel and abusive in my mind... And that texting was impersonal and that I'd thought he'd meant talking, when he'd asked... Anyway, I'm glad i a way I was able to tell him of his wrongs... and able to be around him at all. We will never touch as we used to. I won't accept it, nor allow him close enough for that kind of intimacy. And... I honestly feel I'd rather lead a life of utter silence and loneliness than ever trust or believe a man to want me... ever again.

So, I'm going to do my best to stay alone in my home... Focus on things that must be done and make men around me back off from me, before it's too late for me to heal, and accept who I am.. and learn that just because I will not allow anyone to be close, doesn't mean I need to be unhappy. I can't afford to believe that anyone can see the good or worth in me. Nobody does who's had me.

timing is interesting...
I've been looking back upon an affair that never happened and how long I'd done my best to be faithful to a man I will never hold, touch or get to love... all the while, a friendship was stretching into different realms and growing stronger. Every time I'd hear either man on the phone I'd think, they sound so much alike. That intensely sexy chuckle... a blush in the way a voice would dip. Smiles spreading lips thinner, making vocal tones all the richer... They sounded so close to same, yet not.

As time'd drifted by and stretched out long months, I realized the one was sweeter to my heart and ears than the other... One would ask and then hungrily demand gratification and say "Lust is MORE than good enough for now." The other would ask about my wellbeing, I was weak and troubled, They would both ask, but only one would focus on my wholeness, my well-being. As time went by I recognized self-less... and self-ish.
So, when the one dropped off the world for me, for good, I let him go. Still saddened but also grateful for in knowing him and my friend I learned which one cared the most for me... My friend.

I'm making foolish and lusty choices at the moment, or I have been... And still, my friendship is becoming closer, and stronger. I still share all with him. The other day he choked out in frustration, whispering, "Dreamy, sweetheart, you're cheating on me... Why?" Then he teased trying to make light, yet the message was still clear in his tones...
I replied simply, "Sweetheart, you're not here, with me. I have needs." Each time for a while there, he'd struggle knowing I was with yet another man and experienced another sorrow. Again struggling for composure, as he'd mutter, or whisper.. "Dreamy, darling you're cheating me again." Anyway, for some reason he's determined that he'd rather know His Dreamy will always share with him, honestly. Saying he'd rather know that I'm still His Dreamy than have me close up and stop sharing, just because it hurts him. I will do my best to stay myself, open, honest, and always me... I wouldn't be me if I didn't.

Yet, I wonder at the sorrow I'm creating, pains I'm pouring out of myself and sharing with him... Am I hurting a man that I adore, by being me? Shall I step away from him, or life in general? No, I'm learning invaluable lessons.
For one thing.... I'm worth more than I'd allowed myself to hope. I have the right to walk away from a horrid date, or from a man trying to impress me of the rightness of D/S in my life. It is not right for me.
Anyway, I have rights to self esteem and my dignity, and to be viewed as a good and worthwhile woman in the life of any man who claims to want me in it. I Do have other friends, from this place who're sources of support and of the same advice, counsel, love expressed and caring.

So, wondering, I still do.. you see...
Mostly I pause to wonder at how blessed I am right now. I wonder at the friendships built here.. and in more platonic venues, like where I met that close friend...
... and on the words I've hated... lust, passion, need, like, love, you, me... we.

I'm too easy *sigh* though, in a way it's very freeing and the joys I've experienced because of it admittedly are lovely. But I also know that I want to be careful with the men I'm finding attractive.

Today I met a man from a dating site that just plain and simple seemed nice. Interesting. And both charming and funny. And I loved that I discovered even more delight in meeting with him... He's capable of intelligent conversation. Able to express his concern and love for and of his children, and... was fascinating to get to know. He impressed me in several ways. A past Jazz radio DJ, and a comedian/actor who's very enjoyable both to talk with and be in bed with. Though I hadn't imagined I'd end up in bed with him... I wasn't going to say no after sparks crackled crisply in the air around me Just sayin' he was worth getting to know. And, I am glad he's interested in more than just a one time thing.

Something in the hunger of a man's kiss and my response makes it impossible to deny the need and desire there. Touch, connection, pleasure and curiosity.. and a level of connection make some men an absolute joy.

I scare men off with my directness and my natural frankness... As in TERRIFYING them... Well.. I was told this by my friend/playmate that he's intimidated by me quite a bit. And, that he could envision me overwhelming the young guy at work who thinks he wants me to "Deflower" him... That I would do permanent damage if I don't help him ready for it. Including psychologically, emotionally and physically turn him into jello.

Lesson here... slow down, you move too fast, D... way too fast.

I'm learning things in painful but at times, positive ways...

I've learned that I DO have a mute/off button after all... I came across two men at work talking.. mentioned rather openly someone's belly becoming larger... And how it erm.. overshadows something important on his body. I made the mistake of opening my mouth sharing too plainly that a friend called his an awning for his *hmm hmm* The one gawked in shock when I proceeded to say as long as it doesn't block it from it's purpose.. an awning was fine.
The one was my playmate outside of work... He informed the other that my filters are paper thin and need replacing... That once you get me outside the walls of the office, it's like being in a men's locker room.

The lesson was worth learning... SHUT my lips and move on. Filter what I say and let them see me as a lady, not a slut. Nothing good comes from being too forward, or open about my sexual side. I'm learning that I can be effectively shut off and shut down... Thank God?

trying to heal and to accomplish something.. ANY thing. I made 4 dozen cupcakes for the Bake Sale at work.. and am proud of my rather IMperfect results..
Why?
Maybe because imperfect as they are, they were made with loving hands
...for those I adore at work... Both for the ones I work with who've become more my family than family will ever allow me to be...

And, for the cause of Angel's Hands... We raise funds to help with medical bills and Christmas gifts... So many people in need. And so much that can be accomplished on their behalf.

I find in my loneliness and sorrows.. that I need to reach within myself even more. There is no one else to rely upon. Only me... only me. And that must be enough for now. Being myself, who I am, and who I wish to be.