... being a dirty litttle secret hurts...
and I'm reliving that side of life and sex far too much.. Drawn into it too easily. It hurts to feel a man is ashamed of his relationship with me, and refuses to share it with others. I'm not sure I can go through this again and again and again. Or even IF I'm going through it still...

I can't be sleeping with several men at once... They seem to try to get me to be willing, but, I give my best when focused on ONE. I'd like all to respect that part of my self.

There is nothing colder than my own bed when I feel cheapened, dirty and unworthy of what I once believed I was worth.

Love is a four letter word... filled with more pain and misery than any other. But it once held appeal to me that was so great, I'd do anything to believe in it, or have it in my life.

I've been making marked changes in my life.. not every choice is a good one.. but I'm learning and that's important to me.


I've learned that sex with a drunken man is weird, sad and awkward... I've learned that a man who loves to explore, touch and be romantic, tender and giving is a lovely and precious friend. That coitus isn't even close to important when a couple can snuggle, laugh, share... and smile their faces to bits, just being happy to accept, be accepted, and be friends. I've learned that a friend who's worth trusting and giving to, might be actually the best person to believe in. I've learned much of this here on NN, and some, in real life... and, I'm honestly loving the learning experiences.

I am so grateful that I'm learning much more quickly.. to recognize the rights and wrongs.. and, yes... there are MANY of you who'd seen the wrongs before I righted them... and had warned me of your views RE DC man.. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for support. And thank you for some of the most powerfully positive and important friendships that I've had.

And, to those who've reached out to me in past and recently... touched me in person... and taught me that I'm respected, desired. etc... thank you to you as well. You KNOW who you are... those who make me laugh smile, tease and forget the sorrows.. Those who offer a shoulder or arms around me, figuratively.. and to those who offer lips to kiss arms to hold me and much more.. mmmm, I'm happy to know you.

I'm watching those around me. I'm seeing patterns in attraction. I'm seeing interest and I'm fascinated by it. No, not just that which is due to me.. That isn't as clear at times as that which is shown for others. I'm only me... And always will just be the woman that you see... The woman whom if I'm brave enough.. you might hold.. And, there are some very special few that had better know how much I truly love and admire them. Strong women, and amazing men. All of whom I'd gladly hug close and tell how much they mean to me.

Smiles.. Thus said... I can share the lusty joy, passion and peace I have in my life. I expect no one to love me, but will love many regardless... Because that is part of who I am... a lover, and fighter.. a tender-hearted and gentle soul who's too cheerful for those I've lived with and still not peace filled enough or truly right with myself enough(YET) to really show the world the full affect of a happily radiant Dreamingof_U.

As I'm getting closer to actual submission of my divorce petition(finally figuring out their court digital system) I'm going through an emotional storm in an ocean of past, present and future... While I'm eager to move forward and on... I'm still finding that there are times when I grieve the marriage, the lies I'd woven to make it possible to stay with him for over two decades of fear, sorrow and abuse. I'm also letting go of the past relationships that I'd had, hoped for, and recognized were merely for the feeling of hope and security. Mourning the loss of anything secure. Recognizing that there was none, as well...

I'm letting go of a man who'd given me reason to believe he wanted me... but after months of him saying he'd send for me, or.. come to me, then nothing... I'm done believing any longer in a pipe dream. For, in reality I'm worth more than being on the back shelf of the back of any man's mind... especially one who claims to want more than anything to be my lover... Any man who cares for someone, wants to be with her, and is sincere.. I can't imagine him treating the woman the way I've been treated. A man who cannot take being honest about his plans, inability to go to the woman, etc, isn't the kind I need in my life. I recognize that honesty, openness, strength of character and the ability to love or appreciate beyond what the man sees of body, is imperative to me.

I'm letting go of things, too... for I'm lacking a great deal of needed income... Selling off what is left of my valuables as needed... and will also be working on artwork to sell on line, in galleries if possible, and commissioned works as people show interest. I'll be letting go of pride and willing to reach out to the world for a means of earning my way. Letting go of the past hindrances that blocked me from succeeding.

I'm letting go of hope.. for hope is a foolish thing to have at times... Hope at times isn't enough... it's the DO that is crucial.. Action... Do be yourself, Do try again when you fail.. Do give a test to those you find of interest. I'm going to try to avoid that thing called "falling in love." Though to be honest, I'm not sure I've ever truly fallen in love. Sad, but true. And... I'm determined to be alert to all the cues and hints in a man's voice, touch, words, actions, and everything about him when I'm with him... And try to find every emotion and pinch that will tell me just what he's made of.. Only once I've determined that not only is he the greatest friend I've had, and best lover... and, that we each bring out the best in one another naturally.. only then will I listen to my heart and see if it's ready.

some don't realize the positive influences they've been to me, personally... but I do see and love their part in my life. Each one giving me a glimmer of their light. So.. I say thanks, today to those who are friends, have been friends and who've been a part of my life in some way. Thank you, for simply... BEING YOU.

progressing and focusing on positives...
Today, my ex called and asked our(daughter and myself) plans for the morning. He and I had already planned on meeting at a branch of our bank to get my divorce documents notarized... Anyway, he was at the tire store down the street from me, and, of all things had asked if we'd go to breakfast with him. I woke my slow starting 21 yr old, and hurried her enough to get out of the apartment before he'd walked all the way up to us.

Anyway, we went out for breakfast to a local restaurant that I love to frequent... Usually for burgers, but this was breakfast... something to do while waiting for my branch of our bank to open.

Sitting together like that was a curious thing. Odd and while clearly no longer comfortable, it wasn't horrific. Thus said.. his attitude while there, and displeasure in a choice or rather lack of, in their menu led me on a memory walk into our past. Yet another saddening reminder of his lack of respect and decency in public settings. Complaints are his regular form of communication. I'm so utterly grateful that I'll be freed from his name, his claim on me as wife, and his unpleasantries in daily life.. True, I am MUCH of that now. Yet, it saddens me that he affects the people around me even now.. **half smiling** The next time I go into that homey burger joint, I feel obligated to let them know that he won't be returning. The owner and his family know me. I have no desire to have them assume that cutting and bitter acid-tongued man is my husband... He hasn't been that to me for years.

We signed my petition fro divorce in front of a notary public after our breakfast together... And then I dropped him off at the Les Schwabb Tire Center close to my home..

I'm grateful that he reminded me yet again, of the many reasons behind my kicking him out of my home and daily life, last year.

For the reminder of all that I'd gladly sacrificed to get this far away from his grasp on my heart...
And the glorious lightening on my heart and soul.

I'm not going to make it.. I'm not going to make it... Crying tears of fear and confusion.. Where will I go? how will I know?

have you ever held someone close in your arms.. or in your heart and felt lighter because of their role in your life?

There are so many souls who touch my life with love.. I'm so grateful for them.. and their effect upon my life... from my daughter to my step-mother( My Angel-Mom).. to some very special friends here, and in person... friends on platonic sites, artist and collectors throughout the world as well... I love the blogs of many here... from Tuxedojunction and Whokens I glean the glory of loving and nature, of life... and of eloquence in words and photography... So many bring light into my heart, mind and soul... hold one another close. And feel that splendid joy.

I'm learning that the rarity of friendships close and tightly woven is a very special gift. I'll hold that gift sacred. Never doubt that. I'm a lover and a woman who gives a piece of me with every sharing I can muster... Let me touch the light in your eyes and love the glory of your souls... And know that I'm someone who cherishes the kindness and goodness in many dear people who affect my life. YOU affect me with your kindness.. From liking a status to sharing a PM, or, with some of you.. reaching out in other methods, too... Let me give you some of my loving light, too... and let it infuse you brightly, even if but for one softly flickering moment.

so, here I'll share some highs and hope filled words... Some are my own, while the mostpart will be those I've gleaned from others...

"Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater."

-- Nicholas Evans
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"In truth, to attain to interior peace, one must be willing to pass through the contrary to peace. Such is the teaching of the Sages."

-- Swami Brahmanada
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"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life."

-- Mary Manin Morrissey
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"Every lesson is a widening and deepening of consciousness. It is a stretching of the mind beyond its conceptual limits and a stretching of the heart beyond its emotional boundaries. It is a bringing of xxxxxxxxxxx material into consciousness, a healing of past wounds, and a discovery of new faith and trust."

-- Paul Ferrini
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"Hope is the only bee that makes honey without flowers."
- Robert Green Ingersoll

"Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another."
- George Eliot
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And lastly.. many months ago, I'd written this and posted on Facebook.. Smiles, I'm no longer there, and who knows how long I'll be anywhere...

These words were truly mine:

As an artist, I am dazzled by color and form. I try to use words as an artistic media as well as using paints, pencils, clays, wood and stone... I am light minded, and deep thinking. I feel deeply, too. And, yet... *sigh* I have a mind filled with trivia and YES.. really... some actual useful things... And still.... filled with dreams, hopes, wishes and desires. I want to reach my goals, and make my dreams reality...

This is my own personal expression of my view of life... and my firm belief:
every breath is a prayer... every dream is a glimmering sample of hope.. and every day I face the east, waiting for the sunrise, believing it will warm me...is an act of faith. I have no choice but to believe that life is love... and that love is the key to our existence... Without loving acceptance we become embittered and lonely souls. But WITH love, all things become possible, and we can let our burdens fall away from us.

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I'd like to say I still believe in these things firmly, but I'd be lying. Right now, I'm filled with doubts. But I'd like to feel that my soul still knows this to be true. I'd like to feel hope, trust, and faith are still intact latently within me.

There is only one person in this world I can trust to be there when I am lonely or in need: Myself. All else will crush, forget, or fall away.